Sorry July 4, 1776, but July 15, 2015, just became the most American day of all time.
The United States of America beat France in a game of American football, 82-0, on Wednesday night in the very American city of Canton, Ohio. Read that sentence over a few times. Really soak it in. Feel nice? That’s because this is about as good as it gets, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously, just look at the box score while pouring out a Coors Light for the members of the French national team.
If that 82-0 score isn’t brutal enough for you, consider that USA scored an American-made touchdown on every one of its first 12 drives. EVERY SINGLE ONE. And the only reason the team didn’t score a touchdown on the 13th drive was because they reportedly ran out the clock. That’s right. By then, the game was over.
We tried to unearth some footage of the game, but all we found on YouTube was this silent 54-second video of a photo sort of moving around, and isn't that just as good?
UPDATE -- July 22, 10:37 a.m.: Sadly, this amazing video has been pulled down.
The U.S. never kicked a field goal and never punted. Because the U.S. never punts. This is our game. It was 54-0 at halftime. The U.S. strung together 334 of the most patriotic net rushing yards in football history over the course of the game. France pulled in -26. That’s negative twenty six. Like less than if they hadn’t rushed the ball at all. Add in passing, and the overall offensive yard for each team were 454 and 75. You can guess which team had which amount of yards.
What’s better, these weren’t even the best football players America has to offer. The team is composed of recent college graduates who were never drafted into the NFL.
For those who need details, the two teams were playing in the semifinal game of the 2015 International Federation of American Football World Championship, a fun little football tournament among various normal countries and the U.S.
The final game of the tournament is on Saturday against Japan. Good luck, Japan. You're going to need it.
