I'm trying this online dating thing. You see, I'm late 30s and almost officially divorced. As a single mom, I don't have much options meeting men and when I do go out, guys in their mid-20s flock to me. It's sweet but not really practical.
So here I am, finally splashing in the big kid pool called dating. I wasn't sure what men wanted at my age. I mean, I had been monogamous for years and so I didn't know what to expect. I signed up for a few sites, and low and behold, I have learned a few things about what men want, according to online dating. I thought it would be conversation, company, and maybe sex.
Turns out it's not exactly what I had expected.
Yard Work:
"I'm looking for a woman to go fishing with and do yard work. I hope she enjoys it!"
This was a message I received from a man.
Note, if you have ever seen me with a weed whacker, you would know that enjoying yard work + Laura is virtually impossible.
Apparently men don't want good conversation, they want someone to pick those damn weeds!
Answer Their Damn Messages:
"We could have had something good together!"
I hadn't responded to the 50th email of his so he was angry about all of our romantic tensions dying.
Apparently, men want to be acknowledged just like women, even if they're stalkers.
Find Good Plastic Surgeons:
The first message I received from one man was: "I love your tits. Where did you get them done?"
Apparently, men want to know the names of good plastic surgeons for their future ex-wives I'm assuming.
P.S. They're real, Kiddo.
No Games, No Drama:
No games. No drama. I'm no drama. I'm no games. I'm not here for games.
The game and drama speak is endless. Men shout from their online profiles: NO DRAMA.
Apparently, men are becoming VERY serious about their online dating and attempting to cover up their endless need for drama with a refusal of said need.
Everyone knows that when thou protests much there is something to hide.
A Foot Rub:
"I would love someone to rub my feet."
Apparently, this guy's concubine was out to lunch and he just needed a fill-in.
Hey if the pay is good...why not?
More Kids: But In His Order:
"I want more children. A boy first and then a girl, and a year apart total."
Apparently, this is a baby-making service and not an online dating tool. I wonder how he planned on guaranteeing the gender of the kids?
I've Been So Blessed:
I messaged one man saying hello. He got back to me stating that "I am incredibly blessed with the ability to already find two people to talk to and so I will be closing all opportunities at this time."
Apparently, he wasn't blessed with two women to date but blessed with a gift from God or the ability to sound like a contestant in the Miss America contest.
At this rate, I may not be meeting quality men but at least I'm "learning" so much and laughing about it!
Signed,
The Woman who has Real Breasts & Hates Yardwork