Over the last few years, I have reflected on the ends of friendships in my life. Many friends have come and gone. Some move away and lose touch. Some pursue careers while others pursue families. Some find themselves in new life situations where there was little in common. Newer friends move in to the slots former friends fulfilled.
But when friendships end badly, what are we supposed to do? One of the most difficult feelings is to consider someone you loved so much and knew so well to now be a stranger. Should we try to mend the tangled mess of anger and disappointment? Should we just be kind in social situations where we might run in to that person? Should we cut the cord and never look back?
It always depends on the situation, of course. But, I believe that kindness and human decency should always win out, especially when dealing with someone who used to mean so much to you. To be kind is to be strong. It’s hard, sometimes painful, to act with goodness when someone has treated you badly.
There comes a time when you have to allow yourself to heal from any anger you may feel and choose not to dwell in it any longer. There comes a time when you no longer give power of your emotions to another person.
When friendships end badly, there may not be closure. Often times there isn’t. You may not get that conversation where you can explain why your friendship isn’t the way it used to be. There may not be a natural dissolution where the intimacy just fades away. There may be a toxic blow up. Or there may be a stream of silence. However it ended, it’s important to end it for yourself. Sometimes, I write a letter, expelling the negativity and frustration that I feel. She won’t ever read it. But writing out my feelings and giving closure to the relationship releases me from any power that she might have held over me:
Writing out my feelings and giving closure to the issue releases me from any power that she might have held over me...
To the friend I’ve said goodbye to,
The last few years held a lot of changes for you, for me, and for many of the women in our lives as we have struggled through monumental life changes within our relationships, our professional ambitions, and the journey of ourselves. We have all endured battles that other people are not aware of, battles that have changed who we are and how we respond. We have all drowned in our own issues and have, at times, let those issues bleed onto the lives of others around us.
But friendship that is true is friendship that continues to support even in times of silence and struggle.
The waves of the last few years have rocked you so far from the shore that you have lost sight of the foundation, which you have always said you clung to. The grounding of kindness and compassion, which you say fuels your life’s work has not been present in your daily life in your interactions with others. When we said hello, you looked the other way, spurning those who have been dear friends. Now, you surround yourself with people who aren’t. But for your sake, we hope that they become friends someday. For years, we have watched you chase men who have used and discarded you. We have listened to you stand up for women who have disrespected you in professional and personal settings. Now, we see you clinging to those people and discard the ones that loved you in your ugliest moments.
The truth is, even at your meanest and even in the moments that we have been the most hurt and the most angry, we still hope the best for you.
While we have done things that have probably hurt you, or disappointed you, or angered you, we have remained good women who are good friends. Good because we loved and cared for you. There have been countless hours we listened to you cry. We spent many nights with bottles of wine, talking through the ups and the downs with men, with family and friends, and professional ambitions that sometimes felt more like a slide down than a climb up. There have been countless times that we have come to your rescue – paying for things when you couldn’t or didn’t, covering for you when colleagues nearly found out about some of your darker demons, supporting you and those you love with our time, our attention, and our concern.
But that wasn’t always reciprocated. You have also hurt feelings. You have lied. You have stolen. You have disrespected and disappointed. It does no good to lay each offense before you. Offenses were committed, hearts were hurt, tears were shed, and distance was created. But in that distance, you still had good friends. One day, you will realize this. And when that day comes, you won’t have to say that you’re sorry for lying, stealing, disrespecting, or for other actions that made your ‘friends’ doubt themselves as human beings.
You won’t have to say you’re sorry because we have already forgiven you.
You can choose to continue your path of bitterness, hostility, and blaming if you so choose. That’s entirely your choice. But all that will do is fester within you and boil over into continued destruction of yourself and those around you. We have chosen not to dwell in that. That’s not to say that we haven’t been angry, disappointed, brokenhearted, and hurt by your actions. Instead, we made a choice to live lives of compassion and kindness, even toward those who haven’t always shown that to us. We have chosen to continue to show you goodness despite you choosing the opposite.
You have been searching for peace and joy for a long time. I hope you find it someday.