Every single hour on the news, on hundreds of different channels, the discussion is ― rightly, perhaps ― about the terrors and violence and hate occurring with frightening regularity in the world.
Every talking head, news anchor, commentator and man-on-the-street is, understandably, talking about what we can do about it. How we can figure out who’s “right.” How we can solve the problem. How we can make things better. They talk of putting up or breaking down walls, of taking up or abolishing arms, of the correct and incorrect usage and definitions of certain hashtags.
And we’re all having the same tough, combative, and frustrating conversations on the micro-scale, within our own relationships, families, social circles, as we’re all collectively trying to process and work our way through the pain. Yet, in all of these conversations, the outcome is the same:
Every attempt to find a solution to the escalating violence and escalating trauma that goes along with it results in more of the same: discord, disagreement, polarization, anger, judgment, vitriol, and a deeper sense of disconnection and despair.
So then, what? What is there to do when all discussions centering on finding a solution end up furthering the issue instead?
I recently found myself having a heated and frustrating argument with my boyfriend about all of the violence and shootings that have been plaguing our cities, our country, our world. He and I have similar views about politics and social issues for the most part ― but sometimes we have very, very different ideas around what should be done about them.
We were both feeling a sense of exasperation in our inability to connect over these issues. We both heard our voices get sharper and more combative. More angry. More disconnected. We sat, frustrated, with arms crossed, at opposite sides of the couch ― and I felt myself shutting down.
And it is here, as I fought off the urge to shut down, create my own wall between us, close him out and simply label him as wrong, that it struck me that what we are experiencing in our most intimate circles is exactly what is happening in the world on a greater scale:
Our attempts to find a SOLUTION ― to discuss, debate, analyze, rationalize, solve, to find the “right” ― is exactly what is continuing to create the very problem we’re trying to remedy.
It’s what’s creating the separation, the division, and the inability to reach understanding, connection, or peace.
And therein lies the crux of our situation: We cannot solve this problem by working to solve it.
We cannot fix this problem by figuring out how to fix it. It is not, in essence, about focusing on what to DO to make this better. Because that very act is an act of polarity. It’s a weighing of this vs. that, us vs. them. Of defining and making separate. Of looking at the singularity ― finding THE WAY ― instead of the whole.
Non-Complementary Response
There’s a concept in psychology called “non-complementarity,” or non-complementary behavior. And, in essence, what this describes is the willingness and the ability to counter what is occurring, what has occurred, or someone’s behavior not with the same, not with the like, but with the opposite.
It could, it seems, be looked at as an antidote to the energy or the actions of what causes pain, discord, or trauma by injecting the very opposite reaction to what might be expected.
This could be as simple as a heartfelt apology when the other person started the fight, or an authentic hug instead of hitting back. Or as complex and challenging as being willing to see the victim in the victimizer.
We’ve all, I’m sure, felt an example of this when a stalemate in an argument is melted away not by the sudden realization that one of you was right, nor some hard-fought victory in the battle of wills and intellects ― but rather by a softening; a loving touch or a gentle, “I’m sorry.”
And this is what’s being asked for here, in these cultural and worldwide issues that seem to have no solution.
It’s not asking any of us to claim responsibility or fault; it’s not asking any of us to simply sit and ‘take it’ when we’re being hurt; it’s not even asking any of us to delve into and understand the complicated psychology of the people who have taken lives that can’t ever be replaced.
But it is asking us to come in the opposite door from the issue. To choose the non-complementary response. To refrain from taking action in the face of the actions that have already been taken.
Love Doesn’t Do ‘Solutions’
The reason for that is simple:
Love ― which is what we’re all looking for here; what we’re all deeply craving, at a human level, to right the wrongs and bring us back to our humanity ― doesn’t do ‘solutions.’ It doesn’t do definitions, it doesn’t do categorization, it doesn’t do differentiation, analysis or rationalization. It doesn’t need a specific package, a particular reason or even an exact behavior to be given.
Because Love doesn’t ever separate.
I know that all sounds a bit esoteric, and I also know sometimes the broad-strokes idea of Unconditional Love can feel like either a platitude, a cliche, or simply too far away to reach from where we are in our pain. So in order to make this tangible and real for each one of us, and in order to actually put Love into action to find our answer to what’s plaguing us collectively, here’s something we can each do right NOW:
Stop having conversations that aim to find a solution or a way to fix this.
That doesn’t mean giving up, or just throwing up your hands and walking away from what clearly cannot continue if we are going to continue, as a human race. Rather, it means replacing those solution-based conversations with strictly emotion-based connection. It means stopping a conversation for a while so we can hear a heart first.
These conversations we’re having are the micro of the macro of what’s going on in the world right now — we are feeling and expressing and working to transmute the unrest, the polarization, the anger and pain and confusion on the smallest scale as we reverberate with what’s happening around us on the largest scale.
In other words, we’re re-creating, in ripple after ripple after ripple of our own conversations, the same fear, anger, separation and helplessness that we’re witnessing around us. And the only thing that is going to stop that from happening, and from continuing to reinforce the very things we want to remedy, is Love. And the only way to get to Love from here is a non-complementary response to put an end to the hate-cycle.
In Order to Solve the Problem, Stop Talking about Trying to Solve It
So, as the call for something to be done gets louder and louder, and the conversations to find that ‘something’ cause even greater disparity and imbalance, what is being asked for is to “DO” nothing.
It feels counterintuitive, I know, but that’s the entire point of “non-complementary” response. It’s a bit like hitting the reset button in a video game, or suddenly shouting nonsense to distract and disarm a fight.
What is being asked of us right now is to still ourselves, to stop the ‘doing’, and to come back to center. And what’s at that center is EMOTION. It is, quite simply, just feeling. And not necessarily trying to understand, not trying to define, to figure out, to make sense of, to categorize, to box up and put into some kind of order that we think makes sense for us.
At an entirely planet-level, with every single conflict, terrifying political candidate, act of violence, or senseless neglect, what’s being asked of us is just to FEEL. And nothing else.
Some of the most powerful conversations we can have around these events and happenings right now is going to be to say, simply, on BOTH sides, “I feel...”
“I feel lost.”
”I feel frustrated.”
”I feel terrified, helpless, confused, broken…”
”I feel so ashamed.”
”I feel so alone.”
”I feel hopeful.”
”I feel so much love for them.”
And then to expand into those feelings — not by bringing our rationalizations, our judgments, our explanations or ideas to make sense of them, or even to undo them — but by bringing how we feel out of our heads and into our bodies, bringing it into the truth of our experience, and into the space in between us.
In expressing our emotions in this way, we’re reminding the other person — and reminding ourselves — that we are, underneath everything else that has been labeled and judged about us, a Soul having an experience. No matter what about us is different — our sexuality, our gender, our skin color, our beliefs, our religion — we’re reminding both ourselves and the other person that, “I am here. I am a Soul. I am having an experience.”
Because that is how we experience as human beings — by having EMOTION.
And it doesn’t mean those feelings won’t be painful; or that they’ll be easy to express, or to sit with. But we will be exchanging the emotions, exchanging the charge of them — this energy in motion — so that the other person can feel us, and so that WE can feel our experience, as well. And it is that ex-change that will allow those feelings to CHANGE; that will allow them to heal.
So, start there. And try to end there, just for now, too ― with your emotions; with your feelings. The next time these topics come up, really feel into your body, into your deepest self to mine those truest and most human emotions, and share them. Without rationalization. Without, “because.” Without, “Yeah, but.” Yes, even without blame. And invite the same from the person across from you.
When they start to move toward making sense of these emotions, finding rationalizations for them, forming opinions about what should or could be done ― which is likely inevitable, and understandable ― just invite them back into the body; into emotion.
Invite them back into their human experience, and see if you can just BE here together.
Maintain the connection which necessarily (and only) happens in the heart. Relating. Sharing. Both of you remembering your Souls and the source of your most fundamental connection, rather than the painful and polarizing examples of your separation.
We all want this to get better, for the terror and violence to come to an end. And the reason we can feel so hopeless, and it can feel so daunting to figure out how to make it better, is because we all disagree about the best way to do that.
But what we can do NOW, and EASILY, is simply feeling into our bodies, and deeply connecting to each other through embodying and sharing our emotions, rising above the “things” we disagree about. It’s this that will get us into our fundamental, visceral, and shared human experience, by getting ourselves out of our heads, thinking that we have to have an answer.
And, truthfully, it is only going to be our reconnecting to our emotion, to that one force which has the power to connect us, that is going to be that answer we’re all searching for.
Eventually, yes, there will likely be things that need to be ‘done’ ― but nothing worth doing is going to be found or achievable until and unless we have this human connection FIRST.