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Eric Schmeltzer Headshot

I Love You, Ann Coulter

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Dear Ann,

A few years ago, when I was press secretary for Howard Dean, I lashed out at you for making fun of the tragic death of the Governor's brother, Charlie Dean . Boy, was I wrong. In fact, I am writing this open letter to you, to tell you to keep up all the attacks on the dead brothers and children of candidates, and other offensive characterizations.

I. Think. I. Love. You.

Let me explain why. You're turning out to be one of the greatest fundraisers of all-time for progressive candidates. Since you've started your rampage on John Edwards, his campaign has been raising cash at a ridiculous clip, pretty close to his goal of $9 million with another three days to go. Having worked for the Dean campaign, which pretty much pioneered the netroots organizing and fundraising on the national level, even my jaw dropped.

As much as I love you now, I will put on a noseclip and strap on a vomit bag so I can give you mind-blowing sex until the end of the campaign, if you would just start hurling harsher insults at some of the other candidates, to ensure they all see a piece of the action. I'll even start you off with some suggestions:

Hillary -- Something regarding low temperatures and vagina

Obama -- It may seem a little trite to you, but nothing still offends as much as a comment about fried chicken and/or The Kingfish

Richardson -- Yo quero Taco Bell? Or maybe something like he can't be part-Hispanic because he doesn't have a mustache. Up to you, because you're clearly the expert on these things.

Anyway, you see where I'm going.

Now, I know some of those pinhead liberals will say that giving you attention only helps sell your books. But, the thing of it is, my love, I want you to sell books. I want you to sell a billion dollars worth of books! Because, assuming you start to fling insults and death wishes at all of the progressives, and help raise them gobs of money, you'll help ensure that the one that comes out of the primary will be well-funded. Then, we'll need you to be in the top 1 percent of earners in America, when we return to a Clintonian economy starting in January of 2009. You being in that tax bracket will go a long way towards giving people health care, investing in infrastructure, and properly funding the education of the next generation. So, sell, sell, sell!

Well, there's my confessed feelings for you, and my offer. I hope you take it. I've got 30 viagra and 20 shots of Jack ready for our rendezvous, just in case.

Your Boy Toy, Eric

P.S. Ann, maybe I didn't make myself totally clear. After I penned this, you seemed to have offered a reply in this column ( saying you won't be opening your mouth any more. Please reconsider. I will sweeten the deal. You. Me. All you can eat at Popeye's. Don't tell me you can turn down that offer.