01/10/2006 03:04 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Oh God!

Oh Lord who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.... I call upon ye to forgive us for our transgressions against you and help lead us down the righteous path so that we may avoid your divine punishment. How you have made us toil and suffer for our sins, by forcing us to listen to complete and utter bullshit -- I'm sorry, Lord, I mean poop -- from Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.
Who among us can deny that Pat Robertson's latest decree, that Ariel Sharon has been stricken with heavy cranial bleeding because you do not want your land divided, is punishment for allowing American Troops to go into battle without proper body armor, needlessly allowing for more death?
Yea, it is undeniable that you exacted your revenge against us after electing Ronald Reagan as President, a man who sought to undermine the values you have taught us -- most importantly caring and showing compassion for our fellow man -- by having Pat Robertson declare in 1981, "The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that's what's been happening."
Oh, Lord, how you warned us of your pending punishment of quotations to make our brains explode, by having Jerry Falwell declare in 1979, "I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
Lord, we should have heeded your warning, but we did not, and were rightfully punished for electing Reagan.
Oh Lord, please forgive us for Reagan. Please forgive us for his reelection, as well, when you punished us by making us listen to Pat Robertson maintain, "Individual Christians are the only ones really -- and Jewish people, those who trust God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob -- are the only ones that are qualified to have the reign, because hopefully, they will be governed by God and submit to Him."
God, forgive us for becoming obsessed with the Presidential wang in the late '90s, and spending $40 million on an investigation of it, while 34.5 million people lived in poverty in the US. We recognize now that you, in your infinite wisdom, punished us with Jerry Falwell declaring that the Teletubby, Tinky Winky, was gay, because he was "purple -- the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol."
Yet, we continued our flawed ways, and elected George W. Bush, who has gone against your word on everything from being a blessed peacemaker to caring for the less fortunate to usury laws.
Oh how you punished us for our wicked ways! "People For the American Way were founded by the creator of Archie Bunker. Do we want Archie Bunker determining what the United States Senate votes for?" said Pat Robertson in 2001. Our heads still hurt from pounding them on our walls in frustration, as was your purpose in sending this quote to us.
It is clear that our actions against the poor, the disenfranchised, our environment -- your earth -- and our fellow man has angered you, and you have sent us Falwell and Robertson as punishment. We beg for your forgiveness, oh Lord! Spare us anymore verbal diarrhea from the wingnut right and we shall strive to walk down your righteous path forevermore!