There is a somewhat aging caricature of masculinity that turns weeping into a source of shame, as though someone who cries lacks courage or the integrity to hold himself together. On the other side of the gender line, the caricature is of the hysterical, emotional and irrational female, who weeps senselessly and at anything. However, aside from the flawed notion of the Stoic male repressing emotion, or the implied sexist assumptions of the out-of-control woman unable to contain herself, grief and even weeping are not shameful, but are necessary for healing and expressing authentic human empathy and emotion.
As in the case of being materially poor, merely grieving is not virtuous itself, but the end to which it is directed, and the substance of that which we mourn over, imbues our grief with meaning. The primary sign of mourning is weeping, but why do we cry, if we cry?
In the Beatitudes as recorded in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus claims, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." This is an outrageous statement on the surface, and even, unless we are fully informed, an apparent contradiction, contrary to our experience of life. Happy are they who grieve?
Some might think that weeping itself is a manipulative trick, a childish ploy and shedding tears can indeed be exactly that. It is disgusting to see the crocodile tears of emotional manipulators -- whether it is done for religious or political purposes by either a Jimmy Swaggart or a Glenn Beck. Such deceit is repugnant to us because true weeping is an act that comes to us in moments of grief that embody the exact opposite of the pretensions of cynics and con artists, actors with ulterior motives who may play it off well and fool the gullible in the public eye, or others who are a little more obvious who may just want to extract sympathy from you and me for some other end. Fake tears turn us off because we intuitively know that real tears embody transparency, humility and the breaking down of walls.
A person who is filled with grief and is weeping and in true mourning is not concerned with what other people think of him, isn't trying to hide behind a mask, or to be involved in the egocentric pursuit of keeping it together. It is at that point of authentic and transparent exposed human personality, the juncture where mutual grief occurs, that we have an opportunity for communion, empathy, love and healing. But I think it is the nature of the ego, speaking of the ego as a false construct that isn't integrated with one's deepest sense of selfhood and is motivated by fear, to be afraid of exposure, afraid of tears, afraid of what others might think, afraid of communion, and afraid of healing, and so we have the cultural trope that describes tears and weeping as weakness. I think we are often deeply afraid of the threat of pain that is a path of healing.
If we do not know how to grieve, there is something unreleased and festering in our psyche, and we become angry; stagnating anger brews depression, and this leads to numbing habits, addictions, the occlusion of real emotion or feeling, constant criticizing of others, strife, endless complaints and a lack of peace.
Jesus speaks words of consolation to those who are in difficult situations or circumstances, who have suffered loss, since no one usually grieves without reason, and again, it turns out that the difficulty itself is the path of salvation. Not only that, but grief is transformed into an interior predisposition that brings us to God, a blessing that has its own implicit promise.
For those who do mourn, weeping itself is not virtuous. We might cry because we are in pain that we have brought upon ourselves, and we feel sorry for ourselves, filled with self-pity, the same kind of despair that sent Judas to his death. Or we might cry because we have insatiable hungers that we can never fill, so we mourn our lack. We might cry because we have no money. Or because we have few friends. We might cry because we can't pay the cable bill. There is weeping that leads to death, as Saint Paul writes to the Corinthians, self-centered sorrow that is really comprised more of fear, anger and bitterness than of grief in its most profound expression. In any case, whatever we grieve over reveals what we value.
So if someone who is poor in spirit mourns, what does she grieve over? What does she value? I think the possibilities are multitudinous in terms of specifics living in a fallen cosmos, a world where the table is never really set and prepared for the meal, but is always constantly being tipped over. There is, simply, a lot over which to mourn. Maybe that state of upendedness, of separation, death, decay and disintegration is the primary root of all authentic grief. Jesus himself embodies the attribute of those who mourn when he mourns death through the death of his friend Lazarus, whom he tells his disciples, is 'sleeping', which seems to be a euphemism that they do not apprehend. The sister of his friend, Martha, comes to him and meets him after he arrives, letting him know that he is too late, that Lazarus has died. Jesus rebukes her softly, and they have an interesting but revealing conversation, as Jesus weeps in the face of death, just as we are called to weep and mourn.
Jesus promises that those who mourn not only their own sins, but the sins of others, will be comforted. There is not only forgiveness for sins, but comfort given. The 19th Century Russian St. Seraphim of Sarov writes,
'"When the Spirit of God comes down to man and overshadows him with the fullness of His inspiration, then the human soul overflows with joy, for the Spirit of God fills with joy whatever He touches. This is that joy of which the Lord speaks in His Gospel: 'A woman when she is in travail has sorrow, because her hour is come; but when she is delivered of the child, she remembers no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. In the world you will be sorrowful, but when I see you again, your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you' (Jn. 16:21-22). Yet however comforting may be this joy which you now feel in your heart, it is nothing in comparison with that joy of which the Lord Himself by the mouth of His Apostle spoke: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for them that love Him' (I Cor. 2:9). Foretastes of that joy are given to us now, and if they fill our souls with such sweetness, well-being and happiness, what shall we say of that joy which has been prepared in heaven for those who weep here on earth?"
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. The person who is poor in spirit mourns over her own sins, the sins of others, and even the fallen condition of the cosmos. In other words, we grieve over the condition of death, the reality of death and decay, and our tears themselves work to cleanse us, to wash us, and to bring us relief. Moreover, Jesus Christ, who has overcome death through His incarnation and His cross, brings us comfort, consolation and joy now, and will bring us laughter in the kingdom of God.
EDIT: A more in-depth version of this article is available via my podcast, Seeking Peace, at Ancient Faith Radio
Follow Eric Simpson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ejsejsejs
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We all need comfort in such times of inexplicable human pain and I found that 'mother time' was the greatest help.
Isadora Duncans two children drowned when their taxi rolled into a river. In her autobiography she described how her friend, Eleanora Duse, helped her after the tragedy.
"From then on I lived at Viareggio, finding courage from the radiance of Eleanora's eyes. She used to rock me in her arms, consoling my pain, but not only consoling, for she seemed to take my sorrow to her own breasts, and I realized that if I had not been able to bear the society of other people, it was because they all played the comedy of trying to cheer me with forgetfulness.
Whereas Eleanora said, "Tell me about Deirdre and Patrick," and made me repeat to her all their little
sayings and ways, and show her their photos, which she kissed and cried over.
She never said, "Cease to grieve," but she grieved with me, and, for the first time since their death, I felt I was not alone."
whether you're a christian or not, grief is something you have to go through to understand it, and no amount of talking about "how to grieve" is going to prepare you for it. there may be a unique christian understanding of what happens after death, and christians can find comfort in prayer and scripture during a time of mourning, but it's still painful to lose some one, and you have to let time heal.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. if you have ever lost some one, whether you felt comforted or not at the time, think about the people who surrounded you with their thoughts and prayers. i call that a blessing.
It was then that I became a firm believer in a life after death. Anything else would be injustice, complete and utter injustice. I looked at my Aunt and Uncle, so happy, so beautiful and I knew that something so wonderful as them should not end. Evil should end, and to end something so wonderful as them would be evil.
I look at nature and am awed that it can raise them up. It is a miracle that we exist and exist with a sense of justice "so that" justice does not end, so that Good does not end. I hold fast to that belief because it is logical.
The point that I think I am trying to flesh out is that I have no less reverence for life because of my belief. I have no less appreciation, nor do I consider one more precious then the other. And I think it absurd to think that I do. In fact, it may just mean that I have a deeper appreciation, a more mature appreciation and I hesitate to say that for fear of offending, but then again, I am tired of the atheist rant, especially when it is unjust.
Atheists just don't get that.
A belief in an afterlife doesn't cheapen this life and I logically conclude that a non belief in a after life is absurd, irrational.
But more important my post was about a deep sense of injustice, and the sudden insight that I am not mere puny man, here today, gone tomorrow because that "is" to cheapen life, it is injustice. I look around me and am awed at what exists and I logically conclude that if this can exist, anything is possible including an after life.
Justice exists. That causes me to also know that I am a part of that system and must do my part, as best I can, here, because this life is precious.
When atheist whine about the poe.......pfft!. Old news. As above so below. Life isn't a free ride, we have work to do. And that work is developing justice in this life; peace, harmony.
I am not presenting an argument for atheists or agnostics, just participating in an argument between believers.
My friend was religious to a degree, but not in your face about it, otherwise, he and i wouldn't have gottan along at all. Yet his memorial service was nothing but religion. "We can be certain that Craig is at the right hand of god" "We can see Craig again in paradise." "God wants us to be whole again" "Jesus will heal all our pain."
But not mine. I don't believe in god. I don't believe there is a deity who gives a damn if I am happy or sad. I don't believe my friend will be waiting for me when it's my turn. And I don't think he's gone to a better place. I just think he's dead.
So much emphasis is placed on the spiritual when we mourn our dead, And thats fine, for those who believe. For the rest of us, we just feel left out of the mourning; and the loneliness of our loss is compounded by the implication that our pain doesnt count.
I'm not saying keep god out of it all together. But I would ask that you Christians throw in something at you throw something in for us too.
Well, far be it from me to "throw something in for us/you too" because that would be like treating you as though you were a dog. You certainly deserve more dignity then that.
That said, even as a Christian I often feel inadequate when confronted with another's pain, or sense of loss, in regards to a loved one. What could I possibly say that could really comfort them. Nothing really, but I also know, simply as a human being that to say nothing is worse then saying the wrong thing.
And so I wish to extend to you my sincere sorrow for your loss of a good friend. I hope that like others you and your friends will gather and remember your friend, laugh and cry and I hope you laugh often remembering. That was how I got over some of the deaths that I had to get over. But then again I am Irish, have a beer toast the stories, remember your friend, remember the good.
And, in that it appears that you are in the military, a deep and heart felt gratitude.
You're right, that nothing can keep the loneliness away, but to be left out all together is excruciating. I honestly felt unwelcome. And the only reason I'm bringing it up, is that I hope to make believers consider this point of view, if and when they plan a funeral in the future. I don't think anyone was intentionally excluding anyone. It was just an oversite. I just hope to save someone else the same misery in the future.
I chose a Brazilian priest to say the funeral, because I knew he would not get gloomy. I told a story from the Andy Griffith show about Oppie and his baby birds leaving the nest. Then I had post traumatic shock for a few days, from the effort of it all. I won't go all mystical and invite ugly comments...after all some people look at a human being as a mess of minerals only.
This experience affected my family a lot. We became a tight platoon, valuing love and simply being alive more than ambitions for the future. The future is only a fantasy. All we have is NOW.
I must correct a misconception here. Please understand this correction is offered with love, as it is a very common mistake. In my experience, very few atheists see us as "a mess of minerals only." I won't speak for us all, but to me, the belief taht there is no life beyond this one, makes this life even more precious. It makes loss even more painful. More importantly, it means we must laugh harder; love more deeply; and forgive more completely, any offense that detracts from the joy of the one life we have.
I love that you chose a priest who would not be gloomy at your childs funeral. Death is inherently gloomy, but life should be happy, and when it ends, it should be celebrated as it was. The life of a loved child isn't gloomy. It is filled with laughter, and joy and wonder.
I'm truely sorry for your loss, and wish you the very best in the future. I hope you'll remember the good times.
Few Christians get this, as most posts here indicate. The proper Christian response to death should be as illustrated in this exchange:
A: My mother has cancer and they give her only a few weeks to live.
B: What wonderful news, you must be so happy for her.
C: Yes, we have been hoping for this for such a long time.
D: I am jealous. Ask her to say hello to Jesus for me.
If you said something like that you would probably be arrested. As Christians, however, we should not fear death, we should welcome it, and celebrate the good fortune of friends whose meeting with Jesus is no longer delayed.
I just wanted to say that grief at two of my friends' death, who practiced Christianity well, was filled with just a deep longing to see them again, but a profound joy at knowing them as humans. They are with me when I need them. I used to call either women for ethical questions and always was able to get a fair and reasonable answer. They taught me the meaning of true compassion. I am an atheist who loves anyone who dwells in a state of grace on this earth. There are many who walk among us who, when dead, may bring tears, but joy at knowing them can be overwhelming. Such are people like Jimmy Carter in the modern world and Abraham Lincoln from the past. There are many others.
We are deific in being a neophyte in what some people call death, however, in reality their is no such thing. If there were to be death, then their would be no life in the symmetry of things.
The British will take care of their own. The Russians will take care of their own. The USA will take care of their own.
All have dead. And when we start burying our own dead, the world will be a better place.
When nations, religions, atheists, and agnostics start burying their own dead, rather then trying to bury the dead of others, we will get better and world peace will actually be a possibility for the first time in our collective memory.
What about charity? I will remind us all that 50 million Americans live in poverty, up 5 million since last month. Many are subsisting on unemployment. When that runs out, it will be the welfare lines or they will literally starve. If the republicans cut off unemployment, the middle class will totally pick up the tab of welfare. As it stands, corporations do have to at least contribute something to the unemployment compensation programs.
Yes, let the dead bury their own dead.
America shells out trillions of dollars world wide, and the only thing they are accomplishing is propping up corruption, and immorality not just in foreign governments but often it's people.
Let them bury their own dead, meaning their own sins/immorality. We can't do it for them.