How Do I Thank Thee, Sarah Palin?

(With profound apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How do I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin? Let me count the ways.

I thank thee to the depth and breadth and height my Democratic, Obama-loving, unemployed soul can reach, still exhausted mightily from the interminable weeks of horrific suspense, waiting to find out if what we were witnessing was a monumental comedy or a catastrophic, world-ending horror-movie.

For letting Katie Couric peel back the layers early on and show that "There is no there there." For not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is or being able to name any Supreme Court cases. (For a second there, I really thought you might say: "Howzabout 'Stop In the Name of Love?'")

For winking during the debate as if twin 747s had flown into your eyes.

For not believing in evolution, for being as narrow-minded and mean-spirited as Scrooge on Christmas, for assuming that all American IQs were no higher than your shoe size, for thinking you could do a Houdini with shockingly expensive couturier fashions, for making the great Joe Biden, a distinguished, solid, national treasure, look and seem even more treasurable.

For honestly believing that real life in our great land had become just one big reality show and that overnight, without benefit of wisdom, knowledge, intellect, experience, ethics, conscience or the merest trace of substance, you wouldn't get voted off the island, could/would dance better than anyone else or be selected the next American Idol rather than the next American Midol.

Oh, how I thank you now for running, Sarah Palin. My mirth is bottomless!

I thank you for Ted Stevens, for thinking you could run the Senate, for defiantly refusing to show us your medical records, for thinking you could somehow look cool on SNL, for providing exquisite fodder for Keith, Rachel, Jon, Bill Maher, Richard Lewis and other mondo-brilliant minds everywhere who managed to spin your transparent mendacity and fomented hatred into gold, as we all watched and waited, breathless, astonished, that you, so unworthy and unfit, even came close. That you were ever even picked and taken half-seriously, you who wouldn't know NAFTA from NAMBLA, didn't know that Africa is a continent and not a country, allowed yourself to be pranked by a couple of impish and astute Canadian comedians, and probably thinks your next check-up is with Diet Dr. Pepper.

What a lesson it's been. America is great enough, free enough, to let someone like you run. But also smart enough to let you lose.

So, I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin, and for helping us last Tuesday to dodge the surreal, existential and yes, perhaps the greatest historical bullet of our lifetime. (As has, no doubt, our pre-natal paragon, Levi "Shootin' Shit" Johnston.)

Now, if only those poor Alaskan wolves could be so lucky.

Comments

[carolinealicia]

Pure unadulterated awesomeness, this is going on Facebook, and whatever else i can post it to.

[Jaded1]

Erica, this is a brilliant piece! Love it, love it, love it! Thank you.

[lisa010]

From this day forward, I've decided that I will simply not talk about, watch or read ANYTHING pertaining to this woman. If we all ignore her and any press(for or against her), then maybe they will finally get it that she is a non-story. At least I won't have to be tortured by her anymore, and hopefully everyone will soon be rid of her.

[Shrinath]

Amen!!!

[carolinealicia]

here here!

[Wouroufato]

Could someone ask her to shut up, please, history is being made..................................

[Swissme]

Seen from Europe the US presidential elections are fascinating, and mysterious.
Here is a country of several hundred million people, home of some of the best schools and universities in the world, home of Harvard and MIT, and yet every four years this great country presents some of the most unbelievably uneducated, not to say dumb, people to run for the country's highest position. Worst, they get elected, and reelected. (Bush, Reagan just to mention two).
With Sarah Palin you've reached a summit.
Can you guys explain to me how this work?
PS. Yes, many of our European politicians are croocks, liars and dishonests. But in general they're educated and intelligent: Which make us feel less dumb for having been screwed...

[jwatso7]

This may confuse the issue more than explain it, but many Americans, myself included, feel exactly as you do. The depth of candidates is often bewildering. I think much of it stems from deeply rooted partisan beliefs among some in the electorate. Those who supported Sarah Palin, which, by the way, is not as great a number as her publicity might suggest, liked her because of her core beliefs. They didn't really care if she was smart, as long as she'd work to ban abortion and get creationism in the schools. That's what those people cared about, so they supported the candidate they thought would make their agenda happen. I think our media plays a major role, as well. Candidates and surrogates go on the air and say all kinds of things that are largely false or unsupported (this happens on both sides of the political spectrum), and the anchors don't stop them to question their claims or to call them out on information that is easily disproven. We also rarely seem representatives of the middle or those who are objective, rather the spokespeople for issues are the far right and left wings of the spectrum. The result is that people hear the same things over and over and they start to believe them. I'll admit our system is pretty mess up on most days, but there are other times, like last week, when we get it right. I'll be curious to see other thoughts submitted by my fellow citizens.

[pg florida]

Gee, I was hoping that her 15 (well, maybe in this case 30) minutes of fame would be up by now and that we wouldn't have to hear about her again. Guess its like "accident syndrome" we don't want to look but find ourselves doing it anyway. Oh well...

[DianeTreehugger]

Note to Sarah re: recent election results. Maybe it was God who slammed the door in your face.

[Mercy8 om]

Do not be blissfully lulled to sleep on this...Palin, we will soon discover is the monster in the movie that refuses to die. She may be woefully inadequate, disheartingly dishonest, and devastatingly destructive, but she is not going away any time soon. We have have to vanquish her many times over. So, dear gentle folk, be alert and be prepared!

[lunchlady]

Thinking of the hydra that Hercules had to defeat. He cut off one head and several more grew back. Eeks. How did he defeat it finally?

[Old-Surveyor]

You folks out in the audiace just do no get it do you. Why the contueing effort to destroy Sara Palin? THEY FEAR SHE WILL BE BACK>

[lunchlady]

Sarah is a big red flag waving in our face that forcefully shows us how dangerous, impervious, and mean spirited the far right is. The more she talked the more extreme and incompetent we learned she was. And to have millions of people be "energized" by her is appalling. And yes, I do fear she will be back. She loved all the attention and "the base" thinks she's the cat's meow.

[CorlissRubi]

Not to mention that she is making the media rounds at an astonishingly break-neck pace. The election is over, and as much as I love my candidate, I already find myself in need of a bit of an Obama break. While I would prefer subject matter of greater interest and newsworthiness than Sarah Palin with her shameless clamoring for media attention, I suppose I don"t mind a brief segue from the sublime to the ridiculous. Everybody loves a circus! *wink*

[PrinceKeith]

Also, did anyone else notice how often she said 'also' at the end of a sentence? That was really annoying also.

[ersf]

Amen. Thank Palin for exhibiting the ignorance, extremism, and demagogery that made her the Willie Horton of this election.

[Mamalucia]

"America is great enough, free enough, to let someone like you (Sarah Palin) run. But also smart enough to let you lose." Erica, well said!
Jeeezus! God, if you really exist, please make Sarah Palin just a bad dream.
"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is. Even if it's cracked up a little bit, maybe I'll plow right on through that and maybe prematurely plow through it, but don't let me miss an open door. "
Sarah: there is an open door right there ... yes, the one with "Mental Care" plate on it. Just plow through it. It's gonna be good for everyone. Take your dude with you. Wish you get well.
BrandNewCitizen at http://BrandNewCitizen.blogspot.com

[riafern]

Pls take the time to understand the red states the repubs have won ,then you will have your ans on Palin & why she is popular ....why they think she can run in 2012 .if you want a chance to defeat someone like her ....turn Ga blue ....help Jim Martin in run off
Thanks jesster and Gadove ...it is the south I have seen while campaigning and the place we must change ....pls help

[CorlissRubi]

I"m already in runoff mode, making sure friends and family spread the word to vote again in December!

[NormaOfLA]

Excellent, Erica. Just one comment, though. You reference Scrooge and, like most people, equate him with mean-spiritedness. Remember, Scrooge was transformed in the end. "And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge."
With the holidays upon us, I'm sticking up for Scrooge as a symbol that anyone can become enlightened! After all, we adore Arianna even though, not so very long ago, she represented a totally different perspective. (Not to compare you to the mean-spirited Scrooge, Arianna--you were always a great person even when we disagreed with you!)

[CCookLA]

There is a GOD (and I'm not even religious)! Yes, she got too close for comfort. In fact, she probably had the moving vans packed because she never imagined that a black man could possibly win... and she's so dumb, she probably thought she'd be moving into the White House too. I saw through her phony facade when she gave her acceptance speech. As I learned more about her, I saw massive hypocrisy. I was so insulted that they'd think we Hillary supporters would gravitate to her just because we share the same DNA... shows how dumb and shallow they thought we were because she is no Hillary Clinton and will never be. Regardless of what the pundits say, her political career is over!!! If Alaska has any sense, they will vote her out of office too now that they see she is really an ambitious, unintelligent, stab-you-in-the-back, heartless woman! Did you see the COLD shoulder Cindy McCain gave her at John's concession speech. Looked like they were in the frigid cold of Alaska. She would not even look at Sarah or Todd. That's because she knows the truth!!!