I Can't Wait To Have a President Who...

12/25/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

1. Knows where to find the best corned beef sandwich in Chicago.

2. Thinks before he speaks. Thinks, period.

3. Flirts with his wife.

4. Would be able to look Cindy Sheehan in the eye.

5. Actually reads books. Lots and lots of books. He even writes them!

6. Doesn't think Lincoln was a car.

7. Isn't afraid of a press conference, sex education, an intellectual, a gay person, stem cell research or as W. called it, "the internets," "3 Shakespeares," or an honest day's work.

8. Is secure enough to hire brilliant, accomplished, ambitious people.

9. Can dance.

10. Knows that Africa is a continent.

11. Appreciates Joe Biden.

12. Respects the planet and wants to take care of it.

13. Won't go to war because Jesus tells him to.

14. Has a dry, wry sense of humor that isn't scripted and doesn't crack up at his own jokes.

15. Has a mean way with a Blackberry and will miss his.

16. Won't have Karl Rove living in his brain.

17. Believes in evolution.

18. Has a wife and family not meant to reside at Madame Tussauds.

19. Will re-brand the word "patriotic" and take away its odious status as a euphemism.

20. Has genuine interest and curiosity about the world.

21. Isn't hell-bent on fulfilling some banal family curse out of the House of Atreus.

22. Hasn't got more malapropisms under his belt than Yogi Berra. Is articulate, graceful, eloquent. Actually sounds as if English is his first language and knows where to place a preposition in a sentence.

23. Won't bankrupt the country, of money, hope and good will. W. has already been there. Done that.

24. Won't penalize countries for their birth control practices, like some grumpy, petulant parent withholding allowance. See #21.

25. Stays up past 8 PM.

26. Doesn't have to dress up in his Halloween costume on an aircraft carrier, with a sign "Mission Accomplished" in the background.

27. Will mend fences, heal hearts, open minds and work very hard and with humility, to help us get back our worn and ravaged global cred.