Have you ever wondered why it's always women who bring the tribe together for holiday dinners? Why we're the ones who keep in touch with the in-laws? Would you have guessed that it's related to the reasons why it's easy for men to leave their children to go off to work while we women agonize over it? And to why we hang on to abusive marriages even when the abuse becomes dangerous?
According to Patricia Wall, a teacher of self-mastery in Ottawa, Canada, it all goes back to prehistory. Wall presents a compelling analysis of the tribal basis of marriage and divorce. Back when we lived in caves, women owned the fire. We were the ones who remained in the cave, kept the fire going, took care of the children, cooked the food, kept the tribe together. The male role was to hunt, provide food, and protect the tribe from predators. Men earned their way into the fire by doing a good job of feeding us and keeping us safe.
Our primal role as women is to have a happy, safe family. When our marriages break up, we women judge ourselves harshly, no matter who left, because no matter how liberated and sophisticated we are, we're stuck with those primal instincts.
"No matter what the reason for the divorce, your tribe is broken; your subconscious tells you that you've failed," Wall explained. "Your primary family tribe had rules and your subconscious wants you to obey those rules because in the cave disobeying the rules was a matter of life and death. Back then if you weren't part of the tribe you were on your own, cast out of the cave, which meant certain death at the mercy of predators or the elements with no male protection." Not only have you failed, but you actually might die because of that failure. No wonder divorce is so scary.
I experienced an aha moment when Wall mentioned the connection between divorce and fear of death. When my husband left, I actually felt as though I wasn't going to survive; the separation might kill me. Even though I'd gone through painful breakups with boyfriends before I got married, this terror was a new experience for me. However, I've since heard the same exact sentiment from many divorcées. The image of being cast out of that warm, cozy, safe cave resonated with me as it might with many of you. Paradoxically, marriage, even if it's abusive and actually dangerous, can feel like a safe place. The big, wide world, even though it's much safer, emotionally and physically, can seem scary as all hell.
We women feel this way no matter how successful or accomplished we are in our own lives, no matter how much money we have, and no matter how much we recognize the necessity for the divorce. Today I look back at that feeling of fear for my survival and know how absurd it was, but it was only too real at the time.
The feeling of failure can be even worse than the fear of being alone. We women take responsibility for marriage, for keeping the tribe together, and if it falls apart, no matter the reason, we feel it's our fault.
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Please, there is no reason to recite the statistics about male advantages in financial capacity and so on. This article, and many others, are about emotional issues, not financial issues. Both genders deserve a fair exploration of these issues.
You asked about the study I quoted saying that "the number one reason women divorce men is because they know they will get the kids, and therefore the house, child support and alimony".
The study was done by researchers Margaret Brinig and Douglas Allen
"And we know that the overwhelming reason that women are the ones to file for divorce is that they know to a virtual certainty that they won’t lose their kids. That’s what researchers Margaret Brinig and Douglas Allen called the finding that “swamped all other variables” in their study of over 40,000 divorce cases in four states. As Nathanson and Young write, “Women are much more willing to split up because - unlike men - they typically do not fear losing custody of the children. Instead, a divorce often enables them to gain control over the children.”
Brinig’s findings were so powerful that she changed her mind about the best way to lower the divorce rate. She had thought that abandoning no-fault divorce was the answer, but, according to Nathanson and Young “she now believes that the key is to rewrite custody laws.”
In short, equalize parental time and responsibility and you take away the overwhelming reason for divorce.
You can learn more about this and many other interesting facts at Fathers&Families.com
You're correct that single life is far too underrated. I don't see divorce as a failure as I have studied the people of this world. Who really wants to share a life with a control freak, neat freak, sexual deviant, physical abuser, mental abuser, liar, cheat, one that loves watching porn, crack head and we could go on. Marriage is not for everyone and only normal God fearing and loving best friends should be bound in Holy Matrimony.
I think it is generally true that women practice "group think". When one girl screams at a Beetles concert, they all scream. When one gets her first training bra, they all want them. When one gets her first boyfriend, they all want one. When one gets married, they all want to get married. When one has a baby, they all want babies. When one gets a divorce, they all want divorces....
Not a rule of science, of course, and does not apply to all females, but in general observation, I'd have to say it applies much more to females than to males.
Once around was enough. :)
The blog perpetuates the image of the "abandoned women" even though statistics, as I understand them, appear to indicate that the woman most often is jumping ship. This is not meant to suggest that women who file for divorce file frivolously. It is meant to suggest that they are not "pure victims" of "expulsion from the tribe".
In a recent study about the causes of divorce, women stated that the NUMBER ONE REASON they initiated was because they KNEW that they'd be awarded the kids, and therefore also get the house, alimony, child support. (Women do get the children 82.6% of the time according to the most recent , 2007, Census Bureau report.) The current government/legal system basically rewards women with a lucrative payoff for divorce.
Contrary to your belief that it is the men who have "bad" behavior, these days it is just as likely to be the females who were abusive, addicted, or cheating on their spouses.
Women do initiate divorce over 70% of the time, but to believe that all of those divorces occurred because the man was "bad" is incorrect.
The suggestion that as a matter of evolutionary psychology, women "suffer" more than men from divorce is one thing I suppose. But, the suggest that women who divorce are "usually" the "victims" of their husbands' bad behavior is quite another. I believe that kind of conclusory statement is unfounded and biased.
I don't dispute the unfairness of your personal circumstances, but I think it is difficult to generalize about who does what or feels what in the context of divorce.
I, as a female, am sick of women always assuming that we are morally superior to men in all the family oriented ways. Real world examples? Go to www.parentfail.com and see all the photos of women exposing their male children to inappropriate secksual content: themselves. We are neither better nor worse than men. It's why I dropped the label feminist long ago.
I honestly hope to see you post many more.
Kudos.