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Act Like A Pretty Girl, Think Like an Ugly One!

03/21/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It's official: Ugly Girls Have More Fun!

Or at the very least, they have more sex.

During a visit to my GYNY the other day I noticed that most of the women in the waiting room were not the most sterotypically beautiful women. Which leads me to believe that either pretty girls don't take care of themselves down there, or they don't use birth control (due to inactivity, of course).

Magazines, Movies and other forms of popular culture would make you believe that only beautiful people have sex. That only the most glamorous women have happy, fulfilled sex lives. But as I looked around the doctor's office, I realized that average girls, and below average looking women are getting lots of love! (Wait, maybe pretty girls just dont have health insurance!)

Not too long ago I was out eating dinner with my best friends Nathan and a bunch of our fabulous gay friends at our favorite pig out spot Dallas BBQ's. We ordered Sticky WIngs (with a side of ranch sauce) a round of Texas sized Margaritas (with the extra shot), and we sat and talked about one of our favorite subjects: why can't Erica FIND a man!

"Girl, you need to get a fabulous weave! That will do it!" one screamed. Another blurted out "Honey, have you ever thought about electrolysis?" followed by "Diva, you gotta lose that weight!"

Now, I must admit I love weave, especially from Wagman Hair (I had to shout them out), and electrolysis might be good for me. Even losing some weight would be great for my health and make me feel better about wearing skinny jeans. But I do not think those things would stop me from being single.

"Take a look around the room ladies! Have you noticed that all the fat girls are here on dates, with really cute guys, as well as the 'plain janes'.. while the 'pretty skinny bitches' you guys idolize are sitting at tables together, drinking water, eating salads (at bbq's that's a sin in itself)?"

My gays looked around the room in awe. They couldn't believe it! But it was true. Now, don't misunderstand me. I am a full-figured woman, and I think I'm a cutie-pie, but I know that by narrow-minded societal standards, extra weight can push you over into the "ugly girl" category, even when you have a "pretty face"! (btw, cute fat girls hate when you tell them that!)

Every year the media finds a new bit of information about African-Americans that it must exploit and blow out of proportion every chance it gets. A couple of years ago it was "down-low" brothers and now it's the plight of "Single, Successful, Well Educated, Beautiful Black Women" that no matter what, just can not seem to find a man.

More and more I hear complaints from my extremely attractive black female friends (no matter what their size is) about their inability to get laid. Most are very interested in a relationship with a black man, some have not had a date in months, but all of them are disturbed by the increasing trend of men choosing what I will call "undesirables" or ugly chicks (on the southside of Chicago, we call them Bust Downs).

Well, I think it all boils down to this:

There are 5 key things that ugly girls know that pretty girls don't!


1. Looks Don't Matter!
Or in the words of my father "P*ssy don't have no face!" In other words, men are not as caught up on looks as we think. Yes, being cute may help you become the teacher's pet in elementary school, but once puberty hits, sexiness...attitude...confidence and overall "swagger" are what will attract men to you. We've all seen the girl who really is not that nice looking, but because of the way she carries herself, she commands attention when she walks in the room. You want to be the girl who's "aura" is so magnetic, that it does not matter that the 1 eye she has is crooked or that she is missing a leg. She has a vagina, and it does not have a face. That's all that matters.

2. It All Makes Scents!
Or as a homeless man once told me "Your Skunk can Have a Little Funk!"
Recently one of my best friends got a bikini wax so that she could get laid, and when no guys approached her, she was pissed. But what she failed to realize is that the pheromones that are designed to make you sexually irresistible to men are in the hair "down there" as well as under your arms. So the next time you see a hot guy on a date with the second coming of Sasquatch, remember to put the Nair down!

3. Trick and Treat!
We have all seen guys out on dates with girls that look like ghouls, goblins and the walking dead. It is what I call the Halloween Principle, or Ms.Trick and Treat. She might look like a hound from hell, but the Tricks and Treats she does in the bedroom make the Victoria Secret Angels look like the Virgin Mary. Many "hot chicks" think that all they have to do is show up, and sex is great. Aesthetically challenged women know they only get 1 chance to blow his mind (pun intended) and they go for it! Note: If you notice that your guy never wants you to eat after midnight, for fear that you may turn into a gremlin then you are a Trick and Treat Girl, so embrace it!

4. Fighting for Love! In All The Wrong Places!
Ugly girls fight....their man! Yep, I said it. These chicks will curse a guy out, give him a hard time...and he still comes back for more. Pretty girls have too much pride and don't want to ever seem like they are losing control. Which is why they are single. If you want a man, you got to fight like one. If you are interested in a guy, go out with him to a bar and start a fight with him and then slap a bouncer. I promise you will steal his heart. The ugly chicks on Bridezilla do it all of the time! Listen to Jasmine Sullivan's "Bust The Windows" or Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" to hype you up!

5. Borrow A Personality!
Believe it or not, this is the probably the hardest step for cute girls, which is why I saved it for last. Most of the beautiful women I know, are also the most boring. I mean, if you have been gorgeous all of your life, you never really had a reason to develop a personality. But girls without beauty know that brains will always win, so they use it to their advantage. Stop walking around looking so mean pretty girl. Smile for a change. Have you ever wondered why an unattractive woman was smiling? Make direct eye contact with a guy and say Hi! Pretend like you are interested in his boring conversation. Ugly girls have mastered the ability to forget about their own needs and cater to him! Which is why they win! Stop living your own boring life pretty girl...you don't need a career...you need a man! If all else fails, pick an ugly girl and borrow her personality for a while. (If you are a broke pretty girl, try to put a personality on lay-a-way).

Here are some people I love that can make you pretty on the outside (the ugly part is up to you)

For Pretty Locks
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Wagman Hair (use code ERICA1 for $12 off your order)
LaToya Dawson for Capelli NYC
Hadiiya Barbel and her Visionary Hair
Sidney Maignam for Senses NY

For A Pretty Face
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http://www.joyfennell.com/
http://www.dangelothompson.com/
http://www.ajcrimson.com

For A Healthy, Pampered and Pretty Body
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http://www.ajadavis.com
http://www.bodybybrooklyn.com
http://www.lucilleroberts.com

For a Perfect Picture
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http://www.charlietphotography.net
http://www.ezequieldelarosa.com

Some of My Favorite Pretty Girls
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Crystal McCrary Anthony
Keisha Whitaker
Demetria Lucas
Deja Vu
Brittany Mendenhall
Bevy Smith
Nichele Stephens
Nicole Williams
Erin from Scandalous Beauty
Gabi

Organizations for Pretty Girls (You automatically become beautiful once you join) lol
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http://www.avenuepink.com/
http://www.thebossnetwork.org
http://www.divasinthecity.com/
http://www.clubcushions.ning.com/
http://www.weenonline.org/