THE BLOG
12/13/2013 01:28 pm ET | Updated Feb 12, 2014

The Best (And Worst) Books About Love & Dating That Don't Actually Exist

Some television shows are absolute masters of the fake book. Just look at Parks & Recreation, particularly the recent episode involving Rob Lowe's choice in parenting books. Lenny Kravitz's Are You Gonna Crawl My Way? Vanna White's I'd Like To Solve The Puzzle of Parenting? Brilliant.

While a handful of made up books end up becoming real books (The Play Book and The Bro Code by Barney Stinson, God Hates Us All by Hank Moody), most don't make it from being a couple of witty quips or gag covers to an actual, published book.

And with good cause. Some of these books would be awful.

Since I've been immersed in dating books lately (my book hit shelves this month), I thought it might be fun to look up fake books about love and dating. Some would be fun to read, others you wouldn't want anywhere near your bookshelves. Have a look, and talk about what books you'd like to read in the comments.

liz lemon

Dealbreakers: A Girl's Guide to Shutting it Down by Liz Lemon (30 Rock): Like all of you, I'm still in mourning over the loss of 30 Rock. Every time I see an animated .gif of Tiny Fey recklessly devouring something, I sigh, and find myself missing my television spirit animal.

Early on in Season 4 of 30 Rock, Liz Lemon is thrilled to finally see her book in stores, complete with a cardboard cutout of herself... which promptly gets torn apart by an employee that's angry at one of her tips. As a man over thirty who still wears a nametag to work, he's a dealbreaker.

See, the book is a collection of comic catchphrases as relationship advice. IE:

  • If your man has seven cell phones but won't give you any of their numbers... that's a dealbreaker, ladies!
  • Your man's favorite movie is Showgirls... that's a dealbreaker, ladies!
  • If your man owns a mint-condition Hellboy figurine... that's a dealbreaker, ladies!

And... hey! I own a mint-condition Hellboy figurine! WHERE IS THAT CARDBOARD CUT OUT.

Ahem. Personal feelings aside, I would have loved to read Liz Lemon's book. She's hilarious, and it would have certainly been an epic bestseller.

Fun fact, as of those posting you can still take the Dealbreaker quiz over on NBC's official website, as well as read the dealbreakers that would have probably ended up in the book, both for men and for women.

Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Sex But Have Been Forced To Find Out by Oolon Colluphid (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy): When we're first learning about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, readers are also introduced to a number of other works published from houses on Ursa Minor Beta.

This includes Life Begins at Five Hundred & Fifty, The Big Bang Theory: A Personal View, and a book referred to as a blockbusting title, Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Sex But Have Been Forced To Find Out by Oolon Colluphid. We don't know anything about the book, but seeing as it exists in Douglas Adam's universe, there's no doubt it was hilarious. I'd read it.

Readers might have also considered picking up Practical Parenting in a Fractally Demented Universe, another book by Colluphid. Just in case all that dating goes well, and you end up married with adorable alien children.

How to Convince Women That You Are Psychic! (And Then Have Sex With Them) by John Edward (South Park): Let's file this one under worst books, okay?

In sixth season of South Park, Stan goes on a quest to take down John Edward. He spots this book in Edward's bookcase and is justly infuriated. Which makes sense to me! Sounds like a pick up artist book to me. No thanks.

carrie bradshaw

Various Books by Carrie Bradshaw (Sex & the City): Over the course of Carrie's career, she writes a lot of columns and subsequently, books. There's Men-hattan, A Single Life, Love Letters, and I Do! Do I?. I don't know about you, but I'd happily pick up one of her books.

Marriage is an Amusement Park (Everybody Loves Raymond): After Amy and Rob finally get married in season six, they give Ray and Debra a book called Marriage Is An Amusement Park. It's a gift they dish out in honor of their three-month anniversary. Three months married. And they are giving out books like that.

While the title doesn't sound all that terrible, the chapters... well, are. The Haunted House. The Hall of Mirrors. Ride Maintenance. Ugh.

Debra flips out at one point, telling them not to dish out any other books, especially if they have names like Marriage is a Circus... which is also kindof a good name? I think I'd read this one, but you know, hate read it.

Tap That by Phil Roth (Ugly Betty): And speaking of pick up artist books, Phil Roth's Tap That plays a key role in the 13th episode of Season 2 of Ugly Betty. Betty gets psyched at the chance to interview the celebrated Phillip Roth, the National Book Award winning author.

Unfortunately, it turns out she's interviewing another Phil Roth. One who writes pick up artist books. Ugh. Yet another book I don't want to read.

How to Make Love to Steve Allen by Steve Allen (The Simpsons): This book was obviously written for an incredible niche audience.

His other books include The Joy of Cooking Steve Allen, Journey to the Center of Steve Allen, and Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, which may or may not be another dating and sex book.

Other notable faux love and sex books from The Simpsons? There are plenty. Bork on Sex, How To Seduce Your Lousy, Lazy Husband, and Weight Loss Through Laborious Sex.

Seeing as they are books that exist in the Simpsons universe, I'd file these under would read, possibly while listen to Kirk Van Houten's Can I Borrow a Feeling?.

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