The Republican National Committee sent me a census the other day addressed to a "fellow Republican."
I know. I assume they sent it to as many people as possible. Maybe they even want people to fulminate against the enclosed "Republican Party Census Document" and its leading questions. It's not a census, after all, but a push poll, so the goal is to get the words repeated, to get them out there, so they can reside in the brains of unsuspecting passersby.
Screw that. Here's my version. Same idea with half the calories:
HOMELAND SECURITY ISSUES
1. Should Republicans do everything in their power to make you so scared of the world you're willing to give up your most basic rights?
2. Do you support the use of force against any country chickenhawk Republicans say shit about? Shit to include: WMDs, smoking guns, underage gymnasts.
3. Should guffawing Republicans continue to make you scared of Mexicans? And Negroes? And the Irish?
1. Should greedy Republicans continue to use the phrase "massive tax hikes" when referring to taxes on the wealthiest of the wealthy (i.e., Republicans)?
2. President Bush's idiotic tax cuts for rich bastards (known as the "Idiotic Tax Cuts for Rich Bastards" law) is set to expire. Should we make it permanent? Should we put in the Constitution? Should we make it the 11th Commandment?
3. Shouldn't we balance the budget already? And by "we" I mean "your great great grandchildren." Ha!
1. Are you still scared of Mexicans? Good!
2. Do you still hate trial lawyers? Cool!
3. Red tape? The other side likes it! You and I know better. Here's a beer.
1. Homos? The worst!
2. What if we implied the other guys wanted to serve partial-birth aborted fetuses in government-run school lunch programs? Would it make you rent Soylent Green again?
3. You know what those other guys want to do? Ban churches. Ban God. But look at this muscle. Me stop them.
1. Hey, isn't that a Mexican right outside your house? Vote now!
2. The United Nations? Losers!
3. The seeds of democracy? Yum!
4. Yes or no: All countries not the U.S. are alike. (Answer: Who gives a shit?)
1. Look at this penis. Should we pass a law that says it the best one ever?
2. I can run faster than you. Yes, I can. I already ran around the world, you just didn't see me.
3. Would you join the Republican National Committee by making a contribution today? Like, a zillion dollars. OK, $35. OK, Other. OK, please.
4. Look at this muscle. No, wait. No, look from this side.
The questionnaire includes a business reply envelope with the following printed on the outside: "By using your own first class stamp to return this envelope, you will be helping us save much needed funds."
So if you get one of these, do what I did. Mail it back. Without the stamp. Empty.