Did you hear the story of the sex columnist who never had an orgasm? True story: Tracy Clark-Flory, sex writer for Salon.com and an enthusiastic defender of casual sex and "hookup culture," has just written here that she faked orgasms for more than a decade. Every time. Every boyfriend. Every casual encounter. It felt powerful, and even enjoyable, she assures us, to become "the master of the 'faux' petite mort," but let's not beat around the, um... whatever. This was shrieking, moaning "Harry Met Sally" fakery and it didn't stop until -- brace yourself -- Ms. Clark-Flory fell in love. And then, in her own words: "right about the time I first told him I loved him, I started having real orgasms. It was like my climactic circuitry had been plugged in and electrified."
Imagine that.
Interestingly, the editorial staff of Elle magazine took a different message from the author's confessional: "Tracy Clark-Flory spent her twenties having lots of good sex, but faked her way through nearly every climax. Which prompts the question: Do we really need that happy ending?" (Italics mine ) Is Elle magazine actually suggesting a decade of faked orgasms is no big deal and a perfectly reasonable, sex-positive, I'm empowered/you're empowered way for a young woman to go through life?
Clearly, I haven't kept up with contemporary sexual norms. Lena Dunham's new HBO series, "Girls," is an apparent treasure trove of female sexual misadventure and humiliation. The show features graphic sex scenes described variously by critics as "uneasy," "cringe-worthy," "uncomfortable" and "some of the worst sex you've ever witnessed " But don't suppose these scenes are drawn broadly for comic effect. As Dunham explained in her response to a query about the depictions of "deliberately unpleasant" sex, "We live in a world that's tough for a 24 year-old woman to navigate. There are things you're going to face that are totally debasing... We all have mortifying experiences constantly that we compartmentalize, and my way of feeling better happens to be saying, Omigod guys, did you hear what happened to me today?"
Routine debasement? I thought this called for a little more inquiry, so I went straight to my favorite source: the college women on the campus where I live. I've spoken with more than a few women so far and, to a person, not one has said any of this surprised her in the slightest. Several conceded that Ms. Clark-Flory's work/life disconnect seemed a little extreme, but not a single woman expressed surprise at Clark-Flory's or Dunham's experiences.
Color me moronic, but I really can't believe this. How is it possible that young women in the 21st century have such incredibly low expectations about relationships?
Clark-Flory and Dunham may be unusual cases. For one thing, they are mining their own vulnerabilities and humiliations for public consumption, something few of us would either dare or have enough material to do. I'm not drawing a sweeping, sociological conclusion from a sample size of two. But I do feel some of my small inchoate glimmers of concern about young women that had been bubbling up have finally breached into one big, anguished "why?"
I've been wondering for a while if this whole 'ho-bag,' bedazzled vajayjay shtick was delivering as advertised. Are these the spoils of feminism? The right to have crappy, ersatz-male experiences? To have sex like guys, in service to guys, and then feel the need to shrug it off or lie about it for years on end because not wanting those kinds of stereotypical sexual experiences is just too shameful to admit?
Seriously, ladies? Is this working for you? Do you even know if it's working for you? Or have you just bought wholesale the idea that liberation means trying every trick under the sun except caring for your own needs and desires?
Girls never talked about their vaginas when I was a teenager. Ever. It was always confusing to us that boys were both desperate for access to vaginas and so freaked out by them. And this awkward code of silence around vagina-talk -- which has largely fallen by the wayside, post "Vagina Monologues" and Oprah -- translated into a feeling that it wasn't only women's sexual parts, but also women's sexual feelings that weren't totally legit. Even in the freewheeling, pre-AIDS '80s, a lot of women were being called sluts (un-ironically) and faking orgasms and hooking up with men with less than full-on enthusiasm.
It's shocking to see the extent to which things remain unchanged. At Harvard, where I work, young men still largely dictate the terms of sexual and romantic relationships. You see scantily dressed girls lined up like beauty pageant contestants outside the male-only final clubs (of "Social Network" disrepute), waiting to be allowed in on a Saturday night. It's still "No Girls Allowed" (except for sex) in the tree house.
Is this what generations of women were fighting for? I thought my daughter was going to grow up in a different place, where girls were more generous with themselves, less punished by society's expectations, more free to define their own view of healthy relationships. Yeah, sure. And I have some bridges to sell you.
As is often the case, the solution lies largely with the people most affected by the problem. For starters, how about topping off that fake 'O' tonight with a little self-respect?
Erika Christakis, M.P.H., M.Ed., is an educator and public health advocate. As House Master of one of Harvard's twelve undergraduate residential communities, she is responsible for the well-being of 400 young adults. Follow her work at www.erikachristakis.com.
Lisa Hickman: Mary, Martha and the Masters
Then I met my husband. We waited to have sex. We started as friends. Then one night,we had been hanging out w/other friends & I lost track of time. It was midnight, I had 1 hr drive home & had to be up at 5 am for work. His friends offered for me to stay the night. I tried to decline to not overstep the boundaries we set but my husband said he was fine & offered his bed, he would sleep on the floor. I told him that we were both adults, we could share the bed. He promised that he would not touch me, respecting my space/boundaries. We slept side by side that entire night, he kept his promise. When I awoke and saw he kept his promise I knew, this man is a keeper. The boundaries dropped after that. That was the 1st time I believed what others told me. What I had been lacking was trust, friendship, respect & love for each other.
The more things change, the more they remain the same. Human nature changes very slowly over time.
"At Harvard, where I work, young men still largely dictate the terms of sexual and romantic relationships." Really? Hard to believe. Is it because the males are in short supply and the women must compete?
I think post college the opposite occurs: women largely dictate the terms of sexual and romantic relationships.
Btw, I will make sure my son applies to Harvard. Just kidding.
One wonders how many more centuries it is going to take before women wise up and stop letting men destroy the world and the hearts, souls and bodies of women.
"but lately my boyfriend and I have decided we are both happier if we focus on each other and less on real "sex."
Well, I hope this is really what each of you really want. Otherwise, you are just kicking the can down the road.
As for we men, I think it is say to say most men love sex, period. However, I do believe the rise of porn (and women do watch a lot too) has impacted women negatively.
Men put more pressure on women to perform certain sex acts, dress in certain attire (french maid), and other fetishes for the pleasure of men. A lot of women are not comfortable doing this sort of stuff. But, they do it to anyway..
I am convinced that the shaven/bare female private part came from porn. Btw, do you know it is hard to find male shaving razors!!!!! Even the drugstores now place them behind the counters in the pharmacy dept. Why? Shoplifting by women I was told by the store manager. Aslo, women are buying so many, even though they have their own. Apparently, they prefer ours.
Why are men here so concerned about genital grooming? I am baffled. If a man or a woman wants hairy genitals, so be it. I don't, and I haven't watched much porn video -- it is pretty contrived really and typically not even that erotic. Still, I like bare. What is your theory on that?
Why are shaving cream and razors deemed sex specific. They may be targeted to certain markets and be packaged in colors or include fragrances that marketers believe are preferred by men or women. Some include features that supposedly provided added safety or comofrt or are configured with reference to the body part that the manufacturer believes will be shaved with the specific razor. But, aren't they really just generic products?
Gee, falling in love has never, ever guaranteed an orgasm as far as I can tell. I know many people who have had pretty mind-blowing orgasms from casual sex, no love involved (well, maybe some self love).
The fact that she had to lie about orgasms has nothing to do with hookup culture or feminism or patriarchy — it has to do with a woman who apparently is uninterested in knowing her own body and her own desires and staying true to them. There is more information nowadays on pleasure, orgasms, sex, etc. etc. than ever before (certainly more than when I was young, when I had to sneak into my parents' bedroom to look at their "Joy of Sex" book). Women (and men), please take responsibility for your own sexuality and pleasure — no one else is going to do it for you.
Yes!!!!!!! I guess many still must be taught "How."
No, really? It's the culture if you're not uber-religious and conservative. It's the culture even if you are uber-religious and ultra-conservative. I'm not that naive. I'd love an article on how we collectively reclaim out lost self-respect.
This sort of happened without our playing a major part in the female sexuality liberation movement. I'm not blaming our mothers and grandmothers for what's going on in parked cars, nightclub bathrooms, or dorm rooms across the country but you gave us the pill, condoms, Glamour, and HBO with no real conversation on how to handle any of it. It seems quite natural that our behavior would mimic our male counterparts...they're the only ones talking about it. Playing the game their way seems like the only way if you want to escape your 20's and 30's with your heart in tact.
Is there ever a scenario when nothing is better than something?
Get out there and enjoy yourself!
It is for this reason that I don't see how young women experimenting with multiple partners or casual sex could do anything BUT fake it. I fervently wish more women understood our sexual neurophysiology--and how it differs so dramatically from men's--because it would help them understand why a loving, committed partner like the one Tracy Clark-Flory eventually found her way to makes such a difference in our success.
That we females look for emotionally satisfying relationships and commitment is no coincidence. This is how we're wired: emotionally and neuro-physiologically.
More power to those who enjoy that multiple experimentation. What I was saying wasn't so much setting up a double standard as emphasizing that we're simply wired differently. I've had people accuse me of being moralistic when I've discussed this topic previously. I'm not. I think everyone needs to know what she/he likes and doesn't. I just know that we ladies benefit a great deal more from the safety and trust that go with deep familiarity than most people are aware of.
Sure we can have more than one partner but we don't need to go looking for it, like we are trying to earn a sex merit badge. It should not be a contest for either gender and we should not measure one another by the mileage as if doing the foot ball team will make intimacy with your future husband better.
American sexual culture now entirely reflects male values and preferences: 24/7 porn of every kind, hookup culture where males can have casual loveless sex with a different (often drunk) low self esteem female every night; social life based on massive alcohol consumption; a drunken sexually exploitive culture where women are sex objects; a culture where true love, caring, genuine affection are devalued and seen as weaknesses; where general entertainment is pornographic; where the b-word is used as a synonym for woman; where women have internalized male values and remade themselves to male specifications.
Porn culture has coarsened males and females alike. Women still care for men and want to connect with them and these days are willing to drop all standards and self respect to garner the slightest (exploitive) attention from males. Sad, really. Instead of enlarging their minds, having adventures, growing in mind heart and spirit, young women waste youth trying to imitate porn performers, dressing like brothel workers, faking orgasm, all to please guys who see them as ejaculate dumpsters.
I don't associate with MRAs simply because men don't need more rights. I'm more of an MGTOW kinda guy. Don't play with people that don't want you to play with them. A win/win for everyone.
I would be interested to know how you came to your opinion though. What do you think MRAs care about? And why do you think they do not care about responsibility?
Or was your post just an attempt to fit in? (demonstrating my point).
What?