08/05/2010 10:14 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter To Dov Charney: I Need You.......r Shirts!


Dear Dov,

I've not heard any reports since May on the health of American Apparel, but as a precaution this morning, I was extra delicate when handling my perfectly fitted unisex deep neck v tee.

You see, Dov, I'm in this category of people who hate your ads but love your slim fitting unisex tops. I'm a lady, built like a handsome thin gay man, and your shirts, well, fit me perfectly. Before American Apparel, I would wear shirts that were too short, too tight, too wrong. But after years of wearing your tops, I'm finally happy. Now it seems that your company might fold and along with it goes my favorite tops.

In order to ensure that doesn't happen, I'd like to offer two options on how you can save American Apparel.

Option A:
Stop letting your dick make business decisions
You made a lot of tee shirts hot hipsters love, and by doing so, you've hit the pussy jackpot. But think about this: The money it takes to buy these girls blow and put them up in a Silverlake loft will wind up costing your consumers a lot of time.... time spent in the future trying to feel okay in shirts with cute buttons and lace, decorated with a fucking swallow on a birch tree that's too short and was too expensive to fit so badly.

Option B:
Keep letting your dick make dick decisions and hire someone to run your business.
This option allows you to park your sailboat in any consenting dock and when you want to keep her around someone who has your money can tell you "NO": Cause apparently you doing whatever you want makes you a bad business man.

Let me put it in terms you'll understand -when your business goes away, so does the pussy. So fix this! I wanna wear my 50/25/25 tees in a nursing home, you asshole.

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