Don't Mess with Ladies, Texas! (VIDEO)

03/09/2011 03:26 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I'm proud to be from Texas. Well, mostly when I school all these LA dudes on how to grill the perfect burger. But GOD DAMNIT, TEXAS! The Texas House voted 107-42 to require women seeking an abortion to have an ultrasound of their lady oven at least 24 hours before the procedure, even victims of sexual assault (!!!!!!). Cause what's the cherry on the topper of rape? A procedure to make you think twice about aborting a monster's baby.

A few questions for the Lone Star State:

  • Do you think abortions are easy to deal with - that we ladies just skip into an abortion clinic, take care of business then get our hair did?
  • Why are you making things harder for women?
  • Is my mom still trimming the hedges in those cut off sweats?

If Governor Rick Perry passes this bill, he can eat a dick. I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, it's a practical move. He needs to experience what these ladies would go through, you know, what it's like to have someone do something to him against his will.

It doesn't surprise me that Texas is this arrogant with their bills. They made me take two years of Texas State History, of which I remember two things - Sam Houston and how to spell Nacogdoches. So, slow clap for that.

Or maybe Texas is just line dancing with the federal government and their proposal to defund Planned Parenthood.

Either way Texas, right now, you don't deserve that star.