10/27/2006 03:13 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

My Dinnertime Phone Conversation With Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton called me last night.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has called. Nancy Pelosi has called. Some guy saying he was the former secretary of something or another called. has called here about 50 times.

Then there is my mail. That's real mail, not email. A flyer for Measure M and a flyer against Measure M are sitting on my dining room table. Flyers for Measures A, X, Q, P, etc. have already filled my recycle bin.

Then there are the TV ads. There are ads telling me not to vote, ads telling me to vote - especially if I'm a woman. There are ads telling me all about the evils of a proposition and ads showing me why that same proposition will save the world as we know it.

I've noticed the campaigns are busting out more celebrities than usual too. I don't even live in Missouri and I've seen Michael J. Fox and the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond more times than I care too.

As an outspoken, totally biased member of the ever popular MOM voting group (what are we this week? Mortgage Moms? SUV Moms? Security Moms?) I'd like to let all the candidates know their ads, phone calls, mailers, and even emails are annoying the shit out of me.

Ok, I'll admit the Bill Clinton one was slightly cool, only because I spent the day telling everyone I know that Bill Clinton called. But I couldn't even tell you WHY he called, or what measure or candidate I'm supposed to vote for. I was too busy yelling "Hey! It's Bill Clinton on the phone!"

Unless you're Matthew McConaughey or Brad Pitt, don't call me anymore. Don't send me anything. Don't email me. You may want to pander to my demographic, but you are insulting my intelligence. We Moms can't be bought. We Moms can't be swayed by your slick ads. Go ahead and air that ad with the kids and the clean sky and the happy family...but don't think I don't notice it's been funded by Exxon and Chevron. I may watch Oprah, but I'm not an idiot.

I get it. You want my vote.

But if you really want me to vote for you, don't think you're going to sway me with an ad once every election cycle.

Ads, like words, are cheap. Sway me with your actions. Daily.

Make sure that my brother-in-law will not have another tour in Iraq. Make that smog above my house go away. Make my son's air pollution induced asthma disappear. If you want me to vote for a candidate that won't regulate your industry, conduct yourself in such a way that governmental regulation isn't needed. Don't tell me I'm safe because I can't take hair gel on a plane when our ports are still not secure.

You want my vote? Show me. Stop fucking calling me.