I'm sitting here on the eve of returning to management consulting, my "old" career that I was in for nine years before chucking it all to go on an adventure, an existential journey to discover my passions and support myself by living them. That was 3 1/2 years ago.
This is the part where I'm supposed to tell you how I am now living my every dream. I'm supposed to tell you that I went abroad, found myself and now have an ideal life. I get approached about book deals. My photos will be on the cover of National Geographic. Money pours in as I adventure out. And Oprah should be calling any day now.
Instead, this is so bittersweet.
I promised myself I would never go back, that I was done with the corporate world.
I bridged my skills from change consulting to guide my own change.
I set out to prove that you can do what you love for a living if you believe you can and you want it.
I craved an unconventional life and the freedom to wander and create.
I believed in finding the point where my unique passions and experiences meet a need in the world, where I can be of service.
I read and heard story after story of those who believed in their dreams, pursued them and came out on the other side, making their dreams a reality.
I was inspired by quotes and the true stories to back them up:
Leap and the net will appear. - John Burroughs
When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it. - The Alchemist
Fortune favors the brave. - Latin proverb
Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. - Joseph Campbell
What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? - debatable
...to name a few.
I had sold my house, my car and most of my stuff.I quit my secure, supportive career that had enabled quite a great life.
I was not the first to do this by any means, which I took as a reassuring sign that I would be led down a path to a new kind of life.
For two+ years I explored South America and lived in Argentina. I learned Spanish, picked up photography, wrote a book, started another one. I volunteered, built a website, earned my advanced diving certification, climbed mountains, made new connections. I let go of fears...like my irrational fear of cockroaches and my anxiety about approaching people and initiating interactions. I even discovered my calling, what I really want to do when I grow up.
All sorts of stuff happened.
And here I am, headed back to my "old" career.
What's that all about? Why?
We often hear of the success stories, which are told after the hero has made it through the challenges and knows how the story, or at least the chapter, ends. There may even be mention of the failures along the way, the challenges and tests, the times of despair and loss. These are much more palatable when there is already a happy ending. We are conditioned to not try ourselves, but to skip ahead to the happy ending when we look at others.
I still believe in those quotes above. I am still inspired by the stories of those who have "made it". I still believe in my path...I have just discovered that it is not a linear one and it is not quite up to me, the timing of it all.
I think it's an important story to tell, the one where the ending is not yet known, the goal not yet reached, the dream not yet realized. I'm seeking these stories and community around this. Would I have set out on my journey if I had heard less success stories and more distress stories? Maybe not. Even with all of the success stories out there, my approach is often still considered an unconventional departure from how we're taught to traditionally go through life. That felt scary enough.
Each path is unique, which is exactly why it is possible for each path to work out. That is creativity at its best. To create is to give birth to something new. The universe has been expanding for 13.8 billion years. There is always room for something new.
Divine timing is just that...ancient yet new, true and extraordinary. Perhaps there is more to learn, someone to meet, an experience to have before my path starts to make a beeline for the direction I have intended and been working towards. Perhaps it will be another year or another ten years or maybe even fifty years.
What I have learned is that the longing for purpose and meaning, to expand, create and serve is what it means to be alive. When it feels like nothing is working, like I am stuck or even moving backwards...that is when I need to both find my center and also take a step back to get the landscape perspective. There is something much greater at play than my own story.
The lessons right now are about being present with what is, patient and having awareness. The lessons are about practicing curiosity, perseverance and seeking community, about keeping myself accountable and taking responsibility. I am focused on a growth perspective, letting go of anything that makes me feel small.
If you want a hint about the shared human experience, type into Google, "what would you do if you..." and take a look at the suggested search topics. They include:
"could not fail"
"won the powerball"
"won the lottery"
"were president"
There is a lesson in perspective right there. This is what we are thinking about and searching for...dreams, financial success to enable them, leadership and empowerment.
I have not failed in going back to my "old" career. I go back with a fresh sense of Self and perspective. I am not the same person. I do not go back to stay there, but to embrace the next twist on this crazy ride. I choose to bring the best version of myself wherever it is I go. This isn't a happy ending or a sad ending. It is a story that is still unfolding.
For those curious, I am recommitting to my blog where I share the more intimate story of this journey. See you there.