I am running for President, as a Republican. You will see why. I am short, bald, Jewish, and was born in Hungary, but when the American people learn about my program, and compare the wimpy Republicans still running to me, they will demand en masse that the old outdated law that you have to be born in the U.S. to be President not be applied to me.
Let me start with guns. People, including children, have to be able to defend themselves. All adults, including of course teachers, and all children starting from 4th grade will receive guns, paid for by the government. Those for children will be nice little guns so that they can handle them with their sweet little hands. Making these guns will increase the profits of gun manufacturers and gun merchants, a boon for the country. (If I had had a gun in 4th grade, the kid who was flirting with Judy, my first love, would have been really sorry.)
This business about lighter sentences for criminals, a new craze, is ridiculous. All our privately run prisons would start losing money. We don't want to be Saudi Arabia, no cutting off hands, especially because all prisoners will have to work. We will strengthen sentencing laws, build more prisons, and build factories around prisons so that prisoners can lead productive lives and help the rest of us with their (almost) free labor.
All this outrage about police shootings. The police is great. Citizens must be obedient to police. When a citizen disobeys and officer, it is legitimate to shoot that person. Would you expect a police officer to whine, 'please listen to me?' Also, we don't want police officers to endanger themselves--a disobedient person might be a killer. There will be new laws and regulations about when shooting by police is appropriate-- pretty much all the time, especially of suspicious looking people, like African-Americans and Hispanics. We know what they are like. Also, all community supervisory boards will be abolished.*
I will make all abortions illegal. Nine old people (well, eight right now) will not stop us from doing what is right. I will also have Congress pass new laws, prohibiting abortion. And they better do what I tell them.
Most regulations on businesses will be lifted.This will create an unprecedented economic boon. All this bunk about inequality, raising taxes on the wealthy. Instead, we will celebrate the entrepreneurs and business leaders who make this country great.
Reducing government bureaucracy will save us a huge amount of money (which will pay for the guns, new prisons, the commie-red lawsuits about abortions). Those promoting the hoax of global warming and regulations to restrict business practices to combat it will be put under surveillance. There must be a limit to the free speech that the first amendment allows.
Muslim terror suspects within the U.S. will be imprisoned. The interrogation techniques used under our great President George W. Bush will be reinstated. America will not be a helpless giant, either at home or in the world. To make our country safe, everyone who came to America from a foreign country, is not a citizen, or became a citizen after 1965 (disclosure, I became a citizen in 1965) will be deported.
This brings us to foreign matters. In dealing with terrorists outside our borders, we will stop being namby-pamby. Some politicians are squeamish about carpet bombing ISIS, afraid of killing hostile Muslim civilians. Wake up. Be a man--or a real woman, I am not sexist. What happened to the fighting spirit of our politicians? Unless ISIS disappears by the time I am elected I will have our brave Air Force drop one of our new, small, cute nuclear bombs on them. Perhaps also on Assad. We shall see.
We will let the Chinese and the Russians know that we want to be friends, But if they allow cyber attacks from their country, or in other ways threaten us, the same may happen to them. And with our superior force, they won't dare to retaliate. We want our opponents know whom they are dealing with. And Iran will never again take our sailors prisoner, no matters whose ocean they are in.
In conclusion, I am not young any more, but a man of much experience, integrity and charm. Also, my mother was a really good woman. I know you, the American people, will love my plans, and when you see me on television, you will also love me personally. (I will have a survey done, and if the people want it, I will wear a toupe). I am a real man--I won't say more. You will be jubilant, when I become your President.
*Many police officers really are great.
Ervin Staub is Professor Emeritus and Founding Director of the Doctoral program in the Psychology of Peace and Violence, University of Massachusetts at Amherst. He is past president of the International Society for Political Psychology and of the Society of Peace Conflict and Violence. His latest book is The roots of goodness and resistance to evil: Inclusive caring, moral courage, altruism born of suffering, active bystandership and heroism. See also www.ervinstaub.com