2024: Carrie Prejean for President

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It appears family values beauty queen Carrie Prejean has been churning out sex tapes the way Krispy Kreme churns out honey glazed doughnuts. We are shocked, shocked we tell you. But that's only the beginning of the shocking news eSarcasm has uncovered.

First, the videos: Forensic video investigators have unearthed seven more solo sex tapes and more than two dozen nude photos of former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean, all taken while she was a minor.

Through a spokesperson*, Ms. Prejean said she deeply regrets making sex tapes two, three, six and seven, but really enjoyed nos. one, four and five, and was too blasted to remember much about sex tape number eight.

However, the spokesperson denied rumors that Ms. Prejean's new book, Still Standing, is being repackaged by her publishers as Still Laying on My Back Playing With My Hootchie.

After rumors of a single Carrie Prejean sex tape first appeared earlier this month, Ms. Prejean dropped her $1 million suit against organizers of the Miss California USA pageant, which agreed to foot the $5200 bill for her pre-pageant breast augmentation.

In an interview with Christianity Today, Ms. Prejean revealed that her breast implants had been endorsed by Jesus -- putting her in excellent company.

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants.


Ms. Prejean failed to add that though the Bible warns against succumbing to the curse of Onan and spilling one's seed upon the earth, the Good Book does not specifically prohibit pleasuring oneself with 9-inch vibrating dildo named "Mandingo."

After news of the sex tapes became public, Ms. Prejean had to cancel speaking engagements at family-oriented Christian conferences. However, eSarcasm has learned that the 21-year-old beauty has been invited to perform at the Adult Video Awards Show in Las Vegas.

With her strong family values background and smoking hot bod, Ms. Prejean is considered a contender for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024.

*Which may have just been JR doing a fake accent

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