Prepare yourself for a shocking revelation from the world of science. Ahem: Sex with a partner is better than doing it by yourself.
The guys in the white coats, it seems, have finally realized what the rest of us learned at age 16: Sure, you can take matters into your own hands (helloooo, Internet porn). But it's a hell of a lot more fun when someone else is involved.
Now, mind you, they aren't actually talking about humans -- they're talking about plants and animals able to reproduce both by themselves and with others. But that doesn't make it any less amusing.
From the study:
"Selfing populations don't have to deal with pesky males for reproduction. Because males do not produce offspring of their own, selfing populations avoid what biologists call 'the evolutionary cost of males.'"
Yes, ladies: We males officially come with an "evolutionary cost." Go ahead, laugh it up. Because despite our "pesky" nature, even the prudest lady-plant fares better with our, er, input. Without it, things get all funky and mutated -- you know, inbred-style.
"Traditional thinking has suggested that selfing populations are able to purge many of these mutations, but this study found that the ability to sufficiently purge was overwhelmed by slight increases in mutation rates," the researchers said.
"Plus, those lady-plants are cock-craving sluts," they neglected to add.
The best part of the study, however, is the incredible pickup line potential within its conclusion. Gentlemen, write this down. Rehearse it. Memorize it. Then recite it to that hot chick at the bar. If this doesn't get you laid, we're not sure what will.*
"While males may be problematic for a wide variety of reasons, from an evolutionary point of view, their benefits outweigh their costs, which helps to explain why having sex with others is the rule rather than the exception."
Suggested addition: "So, doth thy care to copulate in the name of science, m'lady?"
May the forces of biology be with you.
*Note: Hot chick may have to be total geek with no standards for this to work. She may also have to be not-very-hot. And not a chick.
Crave yet more Geek Humor Gone Wild? Please come visit us at eSarcasm.com. You'll be glad uDid.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more