Top 10 Reasons to Look Forward to Valentine's Day

Theories about the origins of Valentine's Day abound, but to the disappointment of conspiracy theorists everywhere, one thing is clear - it predates Hallmark by centuries. As it turns out, the more likely origins tie back to a handful of misfortunate martyrs, all appropriately (and, I assume, retroactively) named Saint Valentine. For me, the most compelling of the various histories involves Saint Valentine who, rebuffed by his mistress, was so distraught that he took a knife to his chest and sent his still-beating heart to her as a token of his undying (whoops) love.

You have to hand it to this audacious Saint V, who I imagine as a sort of 16th century version of Nick Cage in Wild At Heart. Admittedly, his heart-rending is overly dramatic, highly impractical and just plain gross - but it's still way cooler than showing up with chocolates and red roses. (And since when do saints have mistresses anyway?)

Unfortunately, Valentine's Day seems to have lost some of its zing since this auspicious beginning. As it so often is, the evidence is in the consumer data. Last Valentine's Day, highly imaginative lovers bought 214 million roses in the U.S., 59% of them being red. My guess is that the other 41% were bought by guys who were panic-stricken when they learned that the red ones had already sold out.

Though this Hallmark press video unintentionally indicates otherwise (and don't miss the dancing Valentine's automatons at 0:55), all is not lost. Our modern Valentine's Day is still a "holiday with benefits," though some are less obvious than others. For a fresh perspective on this misunderstood holiday, contemplate these Top 10 Reasons To Look Forward To Valentine's Day -

#10. Your internet connection will be faster. Given that on a typical day, 99.99% of online traffic is porn, and given that most couples spend Valentine's Day together (preventing them from watching porn, which is still primarily an individual hobby), it follows that there will be a significant drop in porn downloads, resulting in a significant increase in available bandwidth. This will make it much faster for other people to do things online. Like watch porn, for instance.

#9. The roads will be safer. According to Nielsen, during Valentine's week, US consumers will buy more than 58 million pounds of chocolate. Divide that across our population, and you'll end up with about 0.2 pounds of chocolate for every man, woman and toddler in the country. Chocolate contains theobromine, a stimulant akin to caffeine. And, as everybody knows, caffeine makes people drive better.

#8. It will almost certainly be better than the day before, which is Friday the 13th.

#7. You will be buzzed by noon. As the holiday falls on a Saturday this year, everyone will be out for Valentine's brunch. And since it is mandated, somewhere, that every meal on Valentine's Day is Prix Fixe (and the Prix Fixe business model works best with alcohol included), we will all be having mimosas. Cheers.

#6. There will be a creative renaissance. Over 125 million red roses will be cut for our nation's florists, grocery stores and corner bodegas to meet the holiday demand. I learned in junior high that flowers are the sex organs of plants. That same Social Studies class, taught by the father of my sweetheart at the time, left me with the clear understanding that without genitalia it would be difficult to reproduce. Red roses will be brought to the brink of extinction by this mass deflowering, triggering a moratorium on their sale. Then, people will be required to think of new ways to express their sentiments.

#5. People will be cooler. As part of the aforementioned renaissance, millions of otherwise perfectly normal people will become poets just in time for Valentine's Day, as they inscribe the one billion cards that the US Gift Card Association estimates will be given. The poets I know wear black. People wearing black are often mistaken for designers, and everyone knows that designers are cool.

#4. Singles will be seeking seconds. Contrary to conventional wisdom, Valentine's will be a good night for singles to be out. At date-incompatible venues, such as your local dive, chances are that your friend at the other end of the bar will also be single, and there for the same reason you are - to get more mimosas.

#3. You will be wilder than statistically anticipated. The National Retail Federation predicts that 58% of us will be giving cards, 46% of us will be giving candy and 36% of us will be giving flowers. If you can manage to think of something sexier, you'll eclipse the rest of us. Distinguish yourself.

#2. Sex.

#1. Anything goes. Valentine's Day is a special occasion. "Special Occasions" are distinguished from "Normal Occasions" by being out of the ordinary. If you're interested in trying something new with your significant other, Valentine's Day offers an excellent excuse for straying from the script.

Go ahead, earn yourself a new nickname.

A few final pointers to make the most of the day -
Be decisive. Wear the pants in the family, and tell your significant other that you'd like to make the plans for some or all of the day.
Plan ahead. Last minute arrangements will stress you out, cost you more, and be second-rate. If you want to do it right, consider doing it right now.
Get creative. Believe it or not, it IS the thought that counts. If you're going to give a card, make it yourself. If you're going to give flowers, select and arrange them yourself. You know your lover better than Hallmark or the florist.
Single-task. On this day, of all days, focus on the two of you. Turn off the cell. Ignore America's next top model strutting by. Don't pick a fight with the cabbie.
Ask Jimmyjane. I hear they've got answers.

Comments

[ianrthorpe]

Al Christian holidays are rehashed Pagan festivals. Valentine's Day is moved a couple of weeks forward from Imbolc, which is Feb 1 or 2, six weeks after the winter solstice. Imbolc or Candlemas in the Christian calendar was the day fertility returned to the earth goddess after the barren season of winter.
Valentine's Day is definitely a fertility celebration.

We're all Pagans really. Forget about St Valentine who never existed, enjoy yourself.
http://greenteeth.blog.co.uk/2009/02/10/ethical-knickers-for-your-valentine-5546918/

[Skua]

You're giving "plan ahead" advice on February 7??? We should have made our reservations by mid-January at the latest :-)

[Ethan Imboden - Huffpost Blogger]

I know, right? Just goes to show how prepared I am. Somehow Valentine's manages to take me by surprise every year. So... (ahem) Do as I say, not as I do...

[Junata]

Idtyme makes an excellent, and somewhat tragic point on what Valentines day has come to symbolize. I'm inclined to believe that a lot of the disgruntled lovers out there, approach Valentines day as a sort of antiseptic to cure whatever ails. Skip the Valentines day roses, and get them on a random Thursday when it's about her and not buying into an idea. Group think may apply to a lot of things, but not love. As you've so eloquently noted in #1, anything goes, so why not be original? If the only time you buy your lover roses, skip them all together and do the dishes for once, see the ballet you detest that she loves, anything distinctly individual because you can't match a heart staked on a knife. Nor would you want to.

P:S - By far the most thought out and approachable list of advise on Valentine do's out there. Glossies everywhere are filled with trite ideas. Gentlemen, borrow a leaf from Mr. Imboden; your lover will thank you.

[Idytme]

My husband and I, having been in the restaurant business a good portion of our lives, give each other a gift on Valentines Day - No Valentines. We are not sheep.
The highest percentage of miserable customers show up on V Day. Terrified men with girlfriends, afraid they will either do something to piss her off, or make her think that the relationship is more serious than he thinks it is. Women doing their best to make it the most romantic night of the year, and it never measures up. Then you have your long married customers who don't talk to eachother anymore and either grunt all during dinner or work hard pretending this is still interesting.
From the waiters perspective, you have a restaurant full of two tops - less money and less tips. And a clientele full of people who rarely go out to restaurants (less tips right there), the only other comparable day is New Years Eve, but at least then everyone is a bit tipsy and expects to have fun. Expectations are so high that people's crankiness gets taken out on the food or the waiter. Overall, people rarely leave satisfied, unless they are newly engaged or married.
And Valentines really goes back to a gnostic priest Valentinus, who almost made Pope, and whose philosophy was about the joining of the two parts of you - the highest self with the lower self before you go before God. This joining evolved into a romantic one between

[Ethan Imboden - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm right there with you Idtyme -- under the "Get creative" heading, I should mention cooking for your significant other. (Not that we need to take business away from our restaurants in this economy -- but it sounds like the Valentine's clientele may not be that much fun in the first place.) Putting your own time into a gift or outing says a lot more than a big bill.

As for Valentinus, I'll have to read up on him! I may have to stick with the St. Valentine from Belarus though -- he's just so... rock & roll.

[Idytme]

Having become cynical after seating at least 1000 couples (this is a modest assessment), I'll chastise you by saying that anything you do on V-day, even home cooking is having bought into the system, somehow. This chick would rather have something spontaneously done any other 364 days of the year than something done obligatory on V-day. Buy me some roses, pick me some flowers out of a field, or yah - make me a dinner (sort of a gonner in this household since my husband is an ex-Chef - classically trained and specialized in seafood - food in our house is better than many restaurants). But I will never know if what you do on V-day is out of love or Id or whatever, or out of obligation.
Granted my husband loves my attitude, most men do what they do because if they don't they will be in the dog house (hence the source of terror on men's faces at restaurants). A boycott on V-day has to be a couple thing. He may be glad he is out of it, but I still do expect some spontaneity later on (or he will be in the dog house for sure!) But that is a couple love thing and not a Hallmark thing.