If the statistics are true and one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, it can be inferred that within those marriages there are children who are the victims of the divorce.
In my career and personal experience, I have seen "healthy divorces" and also "unhealthy" -- meaning the breakup is sometimes amicable and mature, and more often than I care to say, ugly and angry. In the "healthy" divorce, the division of assets has been balanced and fair, the two adults take equal responsibility as parents and form a united front for their children to avoid parent-child alienation and more "screwing up" of the children as they are likely already traumatized by the break up. Unfortunately, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've witnessed this happening. This isn't to say that a "healthy" divorce does not happen frequently; it is simply that I haven't been witness to it. On the contrary, I have counseled individuals through difficult divorces, whereby actions have been driven by anger and the desire for avenge or revenge, or by sheer greed.
Is there a right way to divorce? I cannot tell you that. But there may be a more balanced way to break up, especially when children are involved. Why? Because in the end, the children suffer from the loss of their family structure. Any action motivated by hate, anger or greed only negatively affects them more.
While the parents in the divorce grapple with feelings of anger, worry, fear and confusion, the children usually experience even more fear and confusion. Often parents turn to their children for comfort, sometimes use them as pawns in the divorce war, and sometimes are blinded by their anger and fear to the impact their actions may have on the children in that moment or in the future. In the meantime, the children, unlike the adults, not having the capacity to understand what is happening, become increasingly confused and unsure of what their involvement needs to be to either bring the parents together, to "make things better" or to side with one side or the other.
Studies show that children whose parents divorce or separate before they are 5 are more likely to develop binge drinking behaviors by the time they reach their teen years versus parents who stay together or show high levels of parental warmth. The problems are not limited to drinking behaviors. Children can become more vulnerable to both physical and mental illness at the time of divorce and may develop problems with self-esteem, other behavioral problems or issues at school, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.
The good news is that children are extremely resilient. Loving, nurturing, educating them and behaving in a balanced way as role models goes a long way. As parents continue being loving parents and, despite the divorce process, seek help and behave like rational adults, children can often learn better coping strategies to deal with adversity later in life as well as learn to have healthy relationships. Though it is difficult to over-ride negative emotions and feelings, especially when they seem appropriate for the given circumstances, it behooves parents to do so for their children.
Here are some tips for being mindful of the children:
DO: Seek therapy for yourself and for your children.
DO: Look for changing behaviors in your children and ask the school to monitor for changes as well.
DO NOT: Speak badly about the other parent in front of the child.
DO NOT: Try to "destroy" the other parent. Think twice before acting maliciously toward the other partner -- yes you are angry, but think of the impact your actions will have on the children. Ultimately, they are the winners or losers.
DO: Get books for the children on divorce.
DO: Allow the other parent to co-parent! Let them be close so that the relationship flows with love and support. This can assure them that the divorce is NOT their fault and is not about them, as they are still loved.
DO: Surround yourself with loving friends and counselors who can help you be your balanced, best self.
DO: Take care of your health and avoid self-destructive behaviors, which only increase your stress, negative emotions, and behaviors.
DO: Remember that you once loved your estranged partner and together you brought your beautiful children into this world. For this you can be grateful.
Here are some resources:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce
http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/
Follow Eva M. Selhub, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrEvaSelhub
We have learned we can tell parents 'don't put kids in the middle', but we can't assume they know how to change their behavior. By helping parents learn new ways to manage their emotions when they are out of control in ways that can be frightening or even dangerous to children, we believe we we are taking families through a natural evolution of improving family dynamics.
Including children in our approach is also a critical strategy in helping families through this transition.
Claire N. Barnes, MA
Executive Director, Kids' Turn
www.kidsturn.org
For the record, I'm of the opinion that often divorces don't change things so much as we think, either for good or ill.
We end up caring for a lot of them in our DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K) program. I'd really encourage any parent going through a divorce to plug their children into a DC4K group. It won't solve every need a child has, but the group environment does help a lot. There is also a parallel companion program for adults, so that the family can go through the healing process together. You can find details at http://www.dc4k.org
Steve Grissom
Founder
DivorceCare/DC4K
An honest and truly lower cost alternative to those choices (when there is no intimidated party and both have the mental capacity) is a highly-skilled mediation. It need not be a divorce mediator; it could be a mediator specializing in parenting plans (custody/visitation) if there are no substantial asset distribution matters. There are many ways to utilize a good mediator (key word being "good," since many do as much harm as good). Could be a post-divorce mediation, but at that point there's much damage to clean up due to any previous issues handled badly by a divorce atty/collaborative group. At that point, a transformative mediator (specially skilled for longer-term solutions and higher conflict) can be useful.
In the end, parents don't simply stop having needs. And telling people to behave better - just behave better and everything will be fine - rarely if ever works because people continue to experience exacerbated emotions during an after a split.
There are better ways that give people a NONfighting chance of working things out, but their own needs cannot be pushed aside with finger wagging to think of the children. Of COURSE they love their children, but in the end, we're all just human.
It's interesting, if you change all your "Do's" to "Don'ts" and vice versa, you would have the recipe for parental alienation, a destructive family dynamic that affects countless children, parents and extended family members every year.
While parental alienation looks like one parent's anger, revenge and bitterness, the truth is these are just symptoms of deeper, long-standing emotional issues around unresolved, real or perceived abandonment. In parental alienation cases, the parent pulls the child into the adult conflict to keep from feeling abandoned again. The result is a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship between the alienating parent and child that leaves little, if any, room for the other parent.
In any event, I hope a lot of people read this article and follow your advice so children can have the love, benefit and support of two emotionally healthy co-parents in their lives.
For more information, and resources, on parental alienation you can visit http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
http://wwwÂÂÂÂ.mycollÂaÂbÂoÂratiÂveÂlaÂwdÂiÂvorÂce.ÂorÂgÂ/
Collaborative Divorce is simply an alternative "product" that the divorce industry "sells" to those divorcing spouses who lack the good sense to negotiate their own divorce to a mutually (un)acceptable conclusion.
Collaborative Divorce is a great way to put the children's college/orthodontia fund -- hard-earned by the divorcing household -- into the hands of the divorce industry and divorce professionals.
Every one of the divorce professionals who is able to bill the divorcing household wins.
The divorcing spouses and their children lose.
Collaborative Divorce may be a better "product" offering than divorce litigation.
But those divorcing households where the divorcing spouses have the good sense to negotiate their divorce on their own do better, net of legal fees.
My ex really needs to read this article, but if I or anyone I know suggests it, she will be angry and (based on experience) life for the kids will get tougher.