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Breaking News: World Unites to Save Darfur

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N.B.: Since the issues discussed are of a semantically delicate nature, we have endeavored to render the speakers' remarks as literally as possible.

Jacques Chirac, President of France: "The genius of our tongue, this is to seek always the clarity. Toujours la clarté! What is passing itself in the Darfur is not the genocide. Even it is not the ethnic cleansing -- the nettoyage ethnique. For the true nettoyage there is necessary the vaporization, the pulverization in depth with the essential oils, the peeling, the massage, the bio-adhesive masque of green clay from the banks of the Rhône, and finally the application of the salve of foie gras from the Périgord. Having seen what is passing itself in Darfur, I can assert with confidence that none of these things are passing themselves in that place there."

Amr Moussa, Secretary General of the Arab League: "In the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Beneficent, Witness of All, Friend of the Forsaken, Shield of the Defenseless, Caterer of the Famished, Pure Fountain of the Thirsty, Burqa of the Naked, Staff of the Aged, Divan of the Weary, Goat-Hair Tent of the Shelterless, Camel of the Stranded, Platform Sandal of the Humble, Scimitar of the Oppressed, Kalashnikov of the Downtrodden: The blood of our Muslim brethren cries out to us from the dust of the Sudan. But since it is being shed by Muslims, we shall overlook it."

Li Zhaoxing, Chinese Foreign Minister: "When guest visits, host honors guest, serves food cooked with much oil. Honored guest criticize actions of host, very bad manners. Sudan serves China much oil; therefore, China honored guest of Sudan. You do the math."

Frank-Walter Steinmeier, German Foreign Minister: "Certainly must man admit, that Germany on this Subject a no-peer-having Authority is. Hence must you believe us, when we say, that the Incident in Westsudan with a true Genocide to compare, like "So Excited," the by Janet Jackson just released Song, with the by Richard Wagner Ring of the Nibelungen cycle of Operas to compare is. Though has man me told that the Video, the on YouBoat to be found is, hot is."

George W. Bush, President of the United States: "I know a lot of folks, on Darfur, a lot of folks is frustrated with the U.N. I know I am. Heck, I'm frustrated with us. We were the first to call it genocide -- I'm proud of that. I'm proud we knew that word. Well, Colin did. That was back in September '04 -- three or four years ago. Since then, we've just kinda sat on our hands. What I'm saying is, we pursued quiet diplomacy -- so quiet you coulda heard a flea bite. And we've made progress. Because it's in my interest as a nation to find the people that's doing harm there, hard-nosed killers that kill at the whim of a hat, and get them out of harm's way. And so, a year later, maybe two, things are worse than ever down there in Horny Africa. And that just breaks my collective heart."

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