THE BLOG
03/05/2007 10:06 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Revealed At Last: The Pentagon's Rosy Plan for WW II

(Sorry I'm late with this. I was in Brazil planning our '09 invasion.)

Just a couple of weeks after the NYT's front-page story on the "prewar slide show" (sample pdf here) that "cast Iraq in rosy hues," we have another shocker, exclusive to the Huffington Post: a newly declassified slide show revealing the Pentagon's key planning assumptions for World War II. Here's a preview:

SECRET / MAGENTA

Key Planning Assumptions

• Co-opted German units will occupy garrisons, singing "Ja, wir haben keinen Bananen" and drinking Schlitz, and will not fight US or other Allied forces

• Gestapo and SS will work with us

• Hitler will voluntarily step down as Fuehrer and will accept offer of alternative employment, either as manager of vegetarian whole-foods restaurant ("Fodderland") or as curator of watercolors for Bayerische Kitsch- und Kunstmuseum

• Invasion force will be allowed five days of R&R (swimming, surfing, etc.) on Normandy beaches before proceeding to Paris and Berlin

• Japan and Italy will surrender immediately in exchange for fast-food concessions in major German cities

• U-boats and crews will be transferred to command of Jacques Cousteau Society and will offer educational/recreational tours of Germany's underwater wonders (Rhine maidens, etc.)

• Broad-based, credible provisional government will be formed by Kurt Weill, Marlene Dietrich, George Herman ("Babe") Ruth and other prominent Germans

• German regime has WMD or other major military capability but would never use it on the people who gave them Jean Harlow, Levis, hamburgers, frankfurters, etc.

SECRET/AVOCADO

DECLASSIFIED BY: RADM H. Marx
DECLASSIFY ON: 1 March 2007
ACTION OFFICER: Mr. G.S. Kaufman, Civ