As Americans across the country celebrate Freedom to Marry Day today, seizing the opportunity to have conversations with family members, friends, and coworkers about the importance of ending same-sex couples' exclusion from marriage, hopefully they'll talk a lot about gay couples and why marriage matters -- without saying "gay marriage" and "same-sex marriage." Same-sex couples, their kids and loved ones, and those of us who favor equal justice in America are not working to win "gay marriage." We are working to win the freedom to marry, ending the current unfair denial of marriage to those who are already doing the work of marriage in their own lives.
Phrases such as "gay marriage" or "same-sex marriage" imply that same-sex couples are asking for something other than marriage. They imply that same-sex couples deserve something different or lesser than the security, protections, safety-net, and respect that married couples cherish. (PDF) And they play into the right-wing's fear-mongering that gay people are a threat to marriage, that equality and inclusion would somehow unacceptably "redefine" the law (in a country dedicated to those very values), and that "Defense of Marriage" is the answer to committed couples seeking to participate in a precious institution.
Marriage is not defined by who is excluded from it, and gay people are not the first to challenge its denial. This year we celebrate the 60th anniversary of the first court ruling striking down race restrictions on who could marry whom. In Perez v. Sharp, the California Supreme Court held that "the essence of the right to marry is freedom to join in marriage with the person of one's choice." The court explained that "human beings are bereft of worth and dignity by a doctrine that would make them as interchangeable as trains"; when you are denied the freedom to marry the person precious and irreplaceable to you, it's not like you can just catch the next one.
Fittingly, as we mark the 60th anniversary of that courageous court decision, other couples now stand before the same court which will hear argument on March 4, 2008. Those couples are not seeking "gay marriage," any more than Mrs. Perez sought "black marriage," or her husband sought "Latino marriage." They all claim, and deserve, marriage itself, the freedom to marry, which the U.S Supreme Court in Loving v. Virginia, noted "has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men."
As we speak out about why marriage matters and how the denial of marriage harms couples and kids, undermining our nation's commitment to fairness and freedom, we've seen states move in the right direction, but falling short of equality. States such as California, Connecticut, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Oregon, and Vermont have created new legal mechanisms, called partnership or civil union, to provide parallel legal protections and responsibilities for gay people and their families. These new mechanisms - "gay marriage" - are better than nothing, but no substitute for marriage itself (PDF). Happily, in each of these states the debate continues and awareness is deepening that the work is not done, civil unions don't work, separate is not equal, and it's time to finish the job of ending exclusion from marriage, not just repackaging it.
Even without clear terminology always prevailing, people are getting it. Public support for marriage equality is growing faster than ever before. In just over 10 years, according to the Gallup poll, support for marriage equality has jumped almost 20 percentage points, while those against fairness decreased 15 percentage points in the same time period. Imagine the rate of progress we could see if people understood this not as creating "gay marriage," but, rather, ending the denial of the "freedom to marry" and letting couples committed to one another in life share the legal commitment of marriage.
Freedom to Marry Day, February 12th, aptly falls in the midst of Freedom to Marry Week, February 10-16. It's one more chance for gay and non-gay people to reach out to their circles - families, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and fellow citizens -- and make the ask that moves people to action. Freedom to Marry Week is held every year, right around President Lincoln's Birthday and Valentine's Day, and Freedom to Marry provides tools and ideas (PDF) to help everyone find a way to connect and make a difference.
Much as we want people to understand that the words gay and marriage do belong together, we don't want "gay marriage." It's the freedom to marry that matters - for all of us - and the way to secure it is by talking to others. And it's the personal ask - each one of us raising our voice and not just assuming that those around us are there, or can't get there - that makes all the difference. Turn to the people in your life now, and say, "Happy Freedom to Marry Week!"
Follow Evan Wolfson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/freedomtomarry
And heterosexuals are not the only ones confused. My partner and I decided to "elope" to Canada after nearly 25 years together, rather than spend a lot of money to avoid offending friends not invited to the small Massachusetts ceremony we would otherwise have chosen here.
More than three years have passed, and we still hear these comments from gay and straight people alike.
- I thought Massachusetts was the only place in the world where gay people can marry.
- You were married in Canada? Does Massachusetts recognize Canadian marriages?
- What is the difference between a gay marriage in Canada and a gay marriage in Massachusetts?
To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "a marriage is a marriage is a marriage." And while some fellow citizens do not "recognize" my marriage (just as many of them may not recognize the marriages of children whom marry into a different faith, or the remarriage of a spouse after divorce), at least the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and a growing number of states in the world understand the constitutional distinction between civil rights and religious rites.
Well, in this day and age when you might not be able to hold onto your house, despite however many people might be in your household, they can take their family-based propaganda, and stuff it. People need to think about finding other hobbies, here. Especially people in the population boom countries, like Mexico, parts of Africa, and some asian countries. Growth, ok, fine, but think about it. 6.6 billion and counting...
Marriage is between a man and a woman. Period (unless you live in Utah, then it's a man and a woman and another woman and some underage teenage cousin).
We WILL make this happen. It's time.
Perhaps if they could internalize the idea that same sex couples love each other just as straight couples do, and hold the same aspirations for their families. I loved the comment in "Outfoxed" by the man who said that showing gay couples marrying sort of backfired when people saw that most homosexuals are "regular folks". Oh for the day when we can accept everyone, no matter how "alternative" they may be.
We are not all "fabulous", living glamorous, exciting, bohemian lives. Most of us have jobs, pay taxes, watch TV, read books, pursue banal hobbies like cooking, and hang out with our friends. Some of us have children; many of us have cats or dogs. Lots of gays go to church.
The biggest difference is that we vote, because we know the stakes are too high not to.
get govt out of the marriage business, eliminate the supporting bureaucracy and pocket the savings.
why oh why do we so willingly support government being to intrusive in our private lives?
-Wanda Sykes
10K per month, SC campaign consultant, Rev Darrell Jackson
SC State Senators Matthews & Short who voted to ban same sex marriage
Bishop Eddie Long, who led a march of thousands of Georgians in support of an anti-gay marriage amendment
I can go on...
oh and there's Harold Mayberry about whom Hillary Clinton declared "was committed to equal rights" while the Rev Mayberry has compared homosexuality as akin to thievery.
Just exactly which holy person do you plan to vote for? And please don't say John McCain.
How about the freedom of parents marrying their children?
How about the freedom for a man to marry 10 women, or a woman to marry 10 men?
How about the freedom for a prostitute to 'love' anyone, anyplace, at any time without government intervention?
How free is the freedom you support? I'm guessing that you want freedom for your own pet group, but are more than willing to slam the door on others that seem 'strange' to you.
Gays are being told to make do with NO one, UNlike everyone else.
That's what's unfair and discriminatory.
Relax, please. No one will ever force you to marry another guy, I promise.
I know that your people had to give up the polygamy and child marriage thing quite a while back, is that what you're still mad about?
I usually try to be more respectful than this, but here I'm obviously not. I've just lost my patience with bigotry. I don't think Mormons should be treated badly either. You just don't have the right to lord it over others. Sorry.
Straight but not narrow,
MamaBird