I never imagined that I would one day be discussing a childfree life, let alone my childfree life. I had never been taught to think of this as an option. We're a family-centered lot, you see. So family-centered that any display of individual separateness is rarely encouraged. You belong to us and we belong to you. And in continuing this cycle of our us-ness, we must have children of our own, for our own.
My family is large -- babies popping out of every crevice -- with only a scattering of childfree women, or as they are perceived, "the ones without," the childless ones. That aunt with ovarian cancer; that relative with PCOS and that lady down the road with all those cats. They lead fringe existences when compared to other robust women speed cycling between pregnancy and breastfeeding and changing nappies and doing school-drop offs and living lives as full as their engorged breasts.
I did not notice the childfree women in all the noise. I did not even see them.
And today, I am childfree.
During the games I played in my girlhood, I pretended to be the mother who cooked and cared for little ones while big daddy went off to work. I was taught that for women, children were to take center stage -- everything else was but a supporting act. I grew up dreaming and expecting to have children of my own.
Admittedly, it's been hard. I am just about getting over the shock. For really, when an imagined home is uprooted and shattered, there is much rebuilding that needs to be done. And with market trends in favour of buyers, rebuilders who still opt to keep parts of the structure in tact need to look elsewhere for inspiration.
In looking elsewhere, I am discovering that childfree living is perkier than I thought.
I dream with renewed freshness of a deeper purpose, of an existence beyond the regurgitation of my own flesh and blood, of more than just me. I dream of others, for others.
I've demolished a section of that old home in my heart and have begun extending it with wild ambition. I am planning for a future that was previously inaccessible to me. And in this process of aligning myself to a childfree existence, I have found something within.
I have found my voice.
Perhaps, rather than villifying those of us who have children, you might think of how alienating your comment appears.
And forgive me if I missed something but why are mothers to be treated this way? Because you don't have children? They are not accessories, or regurgitations of ourselves, they and all of us are human beings, you got here the same way. Please think before your strident little message distresses anyone else.
There needs to be recognition of the fact that the purpose of life is NOT to procreate mindlessly, but to worship God and to make this world a better place in any way we can.
A beautiful and certainly poetic piece of writing. Keep it up!
Thank you for writing this article. I admire your attitude in accepting that things haven't turned out the way you wanted, but that a rich and fulfilling life is still possible.
I started an organisation called Gateway Women to 'support, inspire and empower the childless-by-circumstance' and I do hope you have time to stop by and take a look. You'll find you're in good company with women from many different backgrounds.
We do not need to be permenently defined by our loss, even though we will always be aware of it.
Learning to be aware of our blessings, and finding a new way to define ourselves is possible, as you are finding.
Not being a mother when it was your life's dream is devastating - but with support, understanding and new dreams, it is possible to get through it, and to show the way forward for other women.
With best wishes & blessings
Jody x
Founder: Gateway Women
http://www.gateway-women.com
www.newbreastfeeding.com