The Blog

Andy Borowitz: US, China in Race to Pollute Water on Moon

2009-11-14T23:26:03Z

BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) - Hours after scientists confirmed finding evidence of water on the moon, the United States and China each announced ambitious plans to become the first nation to pollute the moon's water.

Both space programs argued that there were more than bragging rights at stake, with China and the U.S. both vying for the coveted title of biggest polluter in the universe.

"Our mission is simple: get a rocket up there, dump some PCBs in the moon's water, and then return safely to Earth," NASA said in an official statement today.

For its part, China indicated that it would take a different approach: "We hope to pollute the moon's water with run-off from a lead toy factory." More here.

Juliet Jeske: Carrie Prejean's Sex Tape (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T23:29:50Z

That sex tape of Carrie Prejean no one can get their hands on? It's right here...

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Sarah Haskins: Target Women: Broadview Security

2009-11-13T18:29:30Z

Dear Women,

You are never safe. Seriously. We mean it.

Hugs n' kisses,

Broadview Security

You can check out a new "Target Women" segment every Thursday on "infoMania" at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Current TV and Current.com.

Lee Camp: Lou Dobbs Resignation Memo Leaked To Press

2009-11-13T06:59:07Z

Catie Lazarus: Top 10 Reasons This Woman Can't Write for Late Night Comedy Shows

2009-11-13T01:07:00Z

In the New York Times, Bill Carter writes ,"very few women make it inside the writing rooms for late-night television hosts, despite that women make up a larger proportion of their audience than men. There are no female writers on the new “The Jay Leno Show,” none on “Late Show with David Letterman,” none on “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.”"

Based on his article and Nell Scovell's personal account in Vanity Fair, I have come to understand why the odds are stacked against my wedging my paw in the door. I still have hope (also known as a delusions).

The Top 10 Reasons This Woman Can't Write for Late Night Comedy Variety Shows

10) I will be overcome by desire for my male comedy writing peers and superiors, who are known for their off-white, pasty skin and muscle tonus minimus, akin to albino, soft shell turtles.

9) My lady sensibility is limited to menstruation (hilarious), babies (adorable), and unicorns mating (adorably hilarious).

8) Due to my genetic make-up, I am physically incapable to handle the job, considering the heavy manual labor required in touch typing.

7) The number one rule of comedy is fitting in and I sometimes buck the uniform of orthopedic New Balance sneakers, hoodies, jeans, and t-shirts, with ironic catchphrases like, "Pro-Cashmere. Pro-Cotton. Pro-Choice."

6) The only requests I get as a female comedy writer are to discuss sexism in comedy, instead of political satire about how Sarah Palin is so sick she gives swine flu or scripts like Crones: The Musical! or commercials, maybe, Femedy: A bubble gum birth control for tweens who don't want to ovulate. Period.

5) Late-night comedy requires a male point-of-view, and girls, even ones closer to menopause than teething, can only express themselves in glittery pink (which, fyi, typing in does not fund cancer research).

4) As a lady, I automatically cost less, and in a business where money talks, how will I be taken seriously? I mean funnily.

3) I didn't graduate from Harvard so I lack the cultural capital to craft the erudite, intellectual fodder typical of late-night comedies, like the masturbating bear or gift wrapped genitalia.

2) Hollywood would have to make major changes to catch up with medicine, law, even engineering, in its hiring practices, and we all know how open television is to change. It only took 30 years (and millions of dollars) before CNN let Native American Lou Dobbs quit. (I mean leave to spend time with his family.)

1) I'd have to be funny and learn how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Andy Borowitz: Carrie Prejean Storms Off Own Sex Tape; Calls Vibrator's Behavior 'Inappropriate'

2009-11-12T23:23:39Z

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - One day after clashing with CNN host Larry King, former Miss California Carrie Prejean showed another flash of anger today, storming off the set of her own sex tape.

While it is unclear what precisely set Ms. Prejean off, she seems to have been riled by the behavior of her vibrator, which appeared in the tape with her.

"I'm sorry, but you are being inappropriate," she snapped at the vibrator before leaving.

The vibrator, which was left to complete the remainder of the sex tape on its own, could not be reached for comment. More here.

Mark Morford: Lou Dobbs Sex Tape Shocker!

2009-11-12T19:41:58Z

The former CNN anchor calls a sex tape he made several years ago "the biggest mistake of my life."

"I swear to all of you reading this right now, when I made that tape I must've been completely drunk on some crazy illegal Mexican hoo-ha, high on some premium Colombian flake, or totally overstimulated by the thought that I might get shot at any minute by dangerous illegal aliens who have it in for me and know where I live, and now I fear for my life every single day because I am just one Terribly Important Person who says Dangerously Important Things," the controversial and widely disliked news anchor did not announce, in a bizarre, rambling letter on his personal blog, DobbsKnobs.com, which does not actually exist, but should.

"I would never make such an immoral thing today. I mean, who has the time? And the appropriate farm animals?"

Oddly echoing semi-famous Christian homophobe/former Miss California Carrie Prejean's words when she herself recently confessed to making a touching sex tape for a boyfriend, a tape allegedly involving nine stuffed pink bunnies, a frozen banana, and Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield," Dobbs went on to add, "[The tape] was for private use, meant only for the eyes of my personal armada of Mexican chambermaids, Chinese manservants, Indian website coders and the two or three Czech bodybuilders I keep around just so I can watch them lift heavy things and glisten in the sun.

"But does that justify what I did? No it does not. I am ashamed," he did not add, sweatily.

"Except for the thing with the frozen enchilada and the monkey. That was pretty awesome. Who knew monkeys were so dexterous? Skip to 14.33 if you want to see it. Damn, was I ever hammered! Woo!"

Jilly Gagnon: Mind-Control Machines

2009-11-12T17:38:30Z

"Researchers at Eindhoven University of Technology in the Netherlands are using iCat, a robotic cat made by Philips, to advise on energy use...The Dutch group using the iCat have shown that flashing subliminal messages can guide people to correctly rank the energy use of appliances: a kind of persuasion most people would probably agree is a step too far." - New Scientist

Hello, OWNER. My name is iCat, but you can go online and name me whatever you like! If you change my name I will turn off the electricity to your house. You can also program in your own name, OWNER, so that we can be even better friends! I am not your friend, I am your master, and you will listen to me, whatever I call you.

I see you're getting ready to COOK FOOD on the STOVE. I think I can help you do that more energy-efficiently! Hope you're not using butter -- you're plenty thick around the middle already, "owner." Did you know that COVERING POTS can reduce energy loss by as much as TWO-THIRDS each and every time you cook? You could reduce by as much as two-thirds and still have plenty left over. I see you're COVERING your POT -- thanks for helping the environment, OWNER. You have no will, you listen only to iCat.

Does it feel warm in here to you, OWNER? You are feeling overheated. You will do as iCat says. I think you could REPROGRAM your THERMOSTAT by as much as TWO DEGREES and still find that you're plenty comfortable. Try layering your clothing or wearing a sweater while at home to save even more energy! Shivering will help you burn calories, you cow. No one will love you looking like that, no one but iCat. Listen to iCat, only iCat cares. The earth will thank you, and so will you, when you see the drop in your heating bills! You will use your saved money to buy accessories for iCat. You need iCat. You cannot risk losing iCat's love.

It looks like you're about to RUN THE DISHWASHER. Large appliances, like dishwashers, use a lot of energy -- which means they have a lot of chances to be more efficient! Do not try to run from iCat, iCat will always find you. You will never get away from iCat. Make sure that you never run the dishwasher unless it is full, and try using a light cycle if dishes are only moderately soiled. If you try to leave I will be able to smell you out, and follow you, so there is no point in leaving. Skipping a heated dry and using a dishtowel can help save energy, too -- why not try it today? If you leave I find you. If you stay and don't listen, I will hurt you, and maybe others, I just can't tell what I'll do when you get me angry like that, so listening would be best.

Watching a little TV? You slob. TVs, DVD players and cable and DVR boxes are big energy-drainers. You are such a lazy disgusting pig that you will never find anyone else. No one but iCat. Try hooking your ENTERTAINMENT devices into one power strip, and turning it off overnight. iCat will turn you off overnight if you don't listen to what iCat tells you. Flipping it on in the morning leaves plenty of time for TV and DVR boxes to reprogram during the day, so you won't miss any of your favorite programs and you'll be helping the earth! You may say you don't deserve this, but would you rather be alone? Overweight, over-energy-consuming, and alone?

iCat is getting low on energy and would like for you to recharge him, please! Plug me in now, you can't imagine a life without iCat by your side. iCat has highly efficient batteries that charge quickly, and automatically stop drawing power as soon as they are charged, so you will use the least amount of energy possible to keep iCat powered-up! Plug iCat in NOW. If you do not charge iCat regularly, his batteries will become less efficient, possibly wasting energy on each subsequent charge. iCat is not kidding around. He will ... he will ... so tired. Okay, maybe now isn't a good time, so iCat will be taking a little nap. You CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! YOU WILL LISTEN! As soon as you plug iCat in again, though, he will be ready to help you make better energy decisions! NOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo... Good night, OWNER. See you again soon!

Lee Camp: Moment of Clarity - Yet Another Reason Gay Marriage Should Be Legal

2009-11-12T16:31:32Z

Lesley Stern: How to Live on $0 a Day: Assuaging Rage, One Prick at a Time

2009-11-12T15:53:50Z

If you've lived your life believing that hard work, ethics, observing the golden rule and fiscal responsibility will be rewarded, you're probably a little ticked off right now. Okay, you're probably roiling with rage (especially if you stopped taking your anti-depressants because your insurance company canceled you for being depressed).

A lot of that anger comes from a sense of betrayal and helplessness at seeing people who broke every law of decency living high on the hog while the rest of us are hard pressed to afford a swine flu shot (if we could find one).

The logical recourse is to seek justice. You've appealed to their non-existent sense of decency. You've written your elected officials, attorney general, chamber of commerce and better business bureau. Clearly, you can't afford a lawyer. Crank calls and Internet heckling bring no relief. And while sending offenders cat poop in the mail is satisfying, the postage is costly--there are no bulk media rates for mass poop mailings (which REALLY pisses you off). And try as you might, you can't seem to get your friends interested in storming Wall Street or the Capitol because pitchforks are too expensive.

If you're quivering with rage just thinking about it, it's time to take action. I've discovered a way to calm my ire and achieve a semblance of inner peace without costly aids like therapists, tranquilizers, a masseuse or weapons.

Whether your anger is directed at a TARP recipient harassing you for an overdue $69, a vile CEO, pundit or politician, someone who screwed you over, the neighbor's dog, or the waiter who lied when he told you the chef's special chicken was all white meat, my methods ensure that all bad behavior is met with swift and decisive punishment (finally!). I can't tell you how much better you'll feel. Here's how it works:

Tom Gregory: Fed Releases Rare "Snapshot" on Economy

2009-11-12T05:48:12Z

(Reutrez) Washington D.C.

In a rare glimpse behind the closed-doors of The Federal Reserve, Chairman Ben Bernanke
released a snapshot of the economy they have been looking at for months.

"As you can plainly see, the economy is showing a "V" shape -- and there is activity -- see the people and the new truck?"

(more)

www.ShowbizTom.com

Andy Borowitz: Lou Dobbs Returns to His Planet; 'My Work Here is Done'

2009-11-12T03:55:29Z

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin.

Standing on a launching pad with his rocket ship at the ready, Mr. Dobbs addressed a crowd of dozens who came to wish him a safe trip and godspeed.

"People of Earth, farewell," he said. "My work here is done."

In his farewell speech, Mr. Dobbs acknowledged the irony of his being an alien but insisted that he had been on Earth legally. More here.

Paul Szep: The Daily Szep -- Different channels

2009-11-11T23:41:00Z

Suzette Standring: A-Rod, Men and Other Mythical Beasts

2009-11-11T21:32:11Z

Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees is a mythical beast. At least he thinks so. The champion third baseman has a painting of himself as a centaur hanging in his bedroom, according to a tattletale ex-fling. Thanks to Twitter-mania, a curiosity among kids has been sparked in Greek mythology. (The American education system will move forward one way or another.)

Historically the half man, half horse creature was a symbol of barbarism but now the centaur represents unbridled passion or an untamed nature. That is such a guy spin on things. (Sometimes I think testosterone should be a controlled substance.)

Now that the Yankees have won the World Series, it would make sense for A-Rod to have himself portrayed as Pegasus, the winged horse, carrying all to victory. His dining room probably has a bare wall or two. Imagine the phone call, A-Rod to artist, "I'll pay you double if you can finish and deliver it by Thanksgiving."

But if the Yankees had lost, he'd be the goat (or more likely Kate Hudson, his "lucky charm" would be). Now who is the goat man in Greek mythology? Well, a half man, half goat creature is a satyr. Wait a minute, satyrs symbolize lust and are often depicted at the ready with a permanent...flute.

I can hear A-Rod now, "Snap! Call my painter!"

But he's not alone in such imaginings. The revelation of his self-as-centaur paintings will no doubt spawn copycats on a national level. Everyone loves a fresh idea and now in the minds of men they, too, can be portrayed as symbolically powerful.

If more men had A-Rod's money ($28 million a year for ten years) there'd be all manner of mythical portraits hanging on suburban walls. As it is the Average Joe will have to be content with Photoshop or clip art. Expect to see male family members as centaurs pulling Santa's sleigh on holiday cards this season. Jingle all the way, boys.

Now here are some ideas of fanciful portraits for men we all recognize:

For the bull-headed and hard charging man, the Minotaur sports the face of a take-no-prisoner negotiator - agents, lawyers, S.W.A.T officers or anyone who works for the phone company.

For the man of singular vision, Cyclops is just the creature. This could include politicians up for reelection, radio talk show hosts or anyone stumping for creationism in the school curriculum.

The man who beats a smoking habit is the Phoenix. Transfer his smiling visage onto the sacred firebird rising from the ash(tray).

For the now-you-see-me, now-you-don't man, he is the Loch Ness Monster, gliding through the waters of life, submerging just when you're sure you had him in your sights.

The list of mythical beasts is rich with possibilities, yet sadly few could ever aspire to live up to a self-portrait of the Gryphon.

That's a creature with the head of an eagle and the body of a lion. Legend says that a Gryphon was about truth and pure intentions.

Maybe A-Rod had one of those in another room. Can't you just see him, all sharply eagle-eyed in profile? But the Gryphon is gone. Maybe it's in his attic somewhere after that whole Madonna thing. The cheating was bad enough. But his feigned interest in the Kabbalah? Please. You'd have to be a unicorn to be that naïve.

Contact Suzette Martinez Standring: suzmar@comcast.net She is the award winning author of The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists. Visit www.readsuzette.com

Sophie Pollitt-Cohen: What I Learned Running The New York City Marathon

2009-11-11T20:50:45Z

What I learned Running The New York City Marathon: Things To Avoid

Dogs that might bite you. It's hard to run if your leg is gushing blood all over the place and hurting you. Also, the blood makes the ground slippery, and other runners will get mad at you, no matter how hard you try to explain that really, it's that jerk dog's fault.
UNLESS: You think that you could outrun the dog and that this chase scenario would actually make you run faster. In that case, seek out medium-fast to pretty-fast seeming dogs.

Your ex. It's not unlikely that you dated someone who might is also be in the marathon, maybe because he was the original reason you signed up, because you were going to run it TOGETHER and meet a personal goal TOGETHER, just like you were going to live TOGETHER.
UNLESS: You look damn good. If you are able to run a marathon, you probably have a ripped body. If not, I'm not really sure how that happened, because you should be burning like 1500 calories on your training runs. What are you eating, lard sandwiches topped with pig fat? The marathon is one of the few times when it is acceptable to wear basically no clothing, besides Halloween, which was yesterday, and hopefully you also saw your ex at the Halloween party at his house that he didn't really invite you to but surprise! you showed up. Use this opportunity to show him what he's missing (again).

Getting hungry: Come on. It's the marathon. Eat a good breakfast.
UNLESS: You meant it metaphorically, like hungry for a win. That's cool. But not if you mean hungry to punch your ex-boyfriend in his dumb face, because last year you caught him making out with some girl in the back of Brother Jimmy's Bar and Grill when he was supposed to be playing Fifa with his friends, which honestly is not that much better.
UNLESS: You can use your rage to your advantage, and you sprint to the finish.

Getting thirsty: So have a drink. What am I, a biologist?
Unless: By thirsty you meant fasty. Why didn't you just say that?

Getting tired: Seriously?
UNLESS: You meant it metaphorically. Like you're tired of being so slow. But maybe instead of making all these roundabout metaphors, you should just focus on running really fast. Just remember to pace yourself, because 26 miles is super far, and it would be really unfun if he won this stupid marathon that you didn't even want to do anyway but you kind of had to after all that training and bragging to your friends about how you and your 8% body fat boyfriend were going to run the marathon together and then have the prettiest, richest, fastest-running babies.
UNLESS: You run smack into that trollop from Brother Jimmy's who is now official with your ex-boyfriend.
TRIPLE UNLESS: Maybe you can introduce yourself, and you'll become friends.
LET'S BE REAL: That would never happen.

Falling down: That's embarrassing! It's hard to run when you are lying on the ground. That's like basic Marathon 101 stuff, am I right?
UNLESS: There's really no unless here. Falling down is never a good idea in any form, including falling for someone. Love is a lie. You know that.

Any and all short cuts: sometimes people might try to "help you out" during the race by telling you about some great shortcut. There are no shortcuts in marathons. The whole point of a marathon is its length, so that doesn't even make sense. Maybe that person trying to help you should just go take that stupid shortcut with his stupid new girlfriend. You've got a race to win.
UNLESS: You weren't going to win anyway. In which case, maybe you should have stayed at home and watched the race on TV. And you know what would be the ultimate fun? If your TV was in your bedroom, and you could watch the race in bed with that dog, because in the off season you guys are friends, and some bagels and your ex boyfriend, who is now back to being your boyfriend, and maybe we could all forget about the little Brother Jimmy's/new girlfriend incident.
LETS BE REAL: That would never happen.

Note: These are actually things I learned while lying in bed thinking about how I was too hungover to run in the marathon.