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Alison Rosen: My Imaginary Cape Friends

2013-05-21T21:28:19Z

The person I wish I was is far more social than the person it seems I am. I say "it seems" because I still hold out hope that one day I'll wake up a completely different person -- one who prefers Capri pants to sweats and who summers at a beachfront cottage on some sort of cape with several other witty and charming couples.

Nights at this balmy locale would be spent drinking wine and playing Bunco or bridge, neither of which I know how to play. Days would involve gaiety of some sort on or near a pier and perhaps a sumptuous stroll into town. Everything would be breezy and glamorous and fun save for that lively disagreement -- the kind we'd reference for years after -- over how to prepare fresh lobster.

Perhaps it would turn into an annual vacation, and I'd have a whole wardrobe of sarongs and hats. I'd probably keep them in a steamer trunk with a label that said, "For the Cape" along with other precious keepsakes.

In this alternate universe -- inspired by a J.Crew catalog -- I'm living a fabulous life made rich and meaningful through dazzling get-togethers, galas, social outings, tennis matches, heart-to-hearts, laughter and great friendship; like something in between The Great Gatsby and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

In real life I mostly hang out alone or with my fiance and stay loosely connected to all my friends via Facebook, Twitter and email. Some days I decide that I really must make the time to get together with this or that person, as they are an old friend, the kind you can just pick up with after time has passed and it feels exactly the same. Then I'll blink and two years will have gone by and I'll realize I haven't done it. Which is fine, sort of, except I'm afraid this is how it could go for the rest of my life: Putting off seeing friends in two year increments until one day I die. It's depressing.

So then, I say to myself, I should just have a party and invite all the friends I haven't seen in forever and catch up with all of them at once. I do long to be the party hosting kind. But when is the last time you had meaningful conversation with anyone at a party? Somehow you end up saying hi and bye to the people you want to talk to and spending the rest of the time buttonholed by Sheila's cousin who just left a big agency to open a boutique PR firm, and can she connect with you on LinkedIn?

It's gotten to the point where, as I'm putting on my bra to leave the house, an act which I regard as a gift I give to the world and a sign I'm playing by their rules since, left to my own devices, I'd shuffle around in an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, I soothe my mounting anxiety by telling myself that in a few short, sweet hours I will be able to return home to my comfortable state of braless torpitude.

There are extroverts and there are introverts and then there's me, someone who is folding in on herself, that's how much I don't feel like leaving the house to make small talk.

Granted I have my moments -- as well as a career that involves stretches of extreme extroverted activity. But the vast majority of the time I feel like my batteries are drained, I need a nap and so help me if the phone rings I'm sending that fucker to voicemail faster than you can say, "I actually enjoy talking to that person, but now is a bad time."

In this alternate universe though, when the phone rings I jump on it because it could be Sue or Karen or Millie or any of my many, many friends from the cape. I don't hear from my cape friends very often, because we're all living such dynamic and fulfilling busy lives, but when I do, I seize upon the opportunity to catch up. Hours pass in a reverie of laughter and memories and sometimes even tears of joy. Of course, there goes the afternoon! It looks like someone won't be playing croquet, but that's just what happens when you're reminiscing about clambakes with Karen.

Incidentally, her full name is TedandKaren. All my cape friends are one half of a dynamic couple. There's DougAndSue, TedandKaren and BiffandMillie. There's also ArtandArlene but they're dead to me ever since Arlene ripped the last haddock right from my hands at the local fishmonger. I mean, have you ever? I never have.

In this universe though, I not only don't hang out with these couples, I don't even know anyone with these names. I've got a real shortage of one and two syllable '70s names but a surplus of Mikes. If anyone needs a Mike, I'll trade you for a Karen, Ted or Sue.

I want to say the reason I'm not living this extended montage of a life -- like the one I think my parents lived at my age -- is that today we get our fill of fellow human beings at our jobs. The way we live and work now -- putting career before just about everything, being connected to our jobs around the clock (by connected to our jobs I mean always looking at Twitter) -- leaves very little left for clambakes and the like. I want it to be that and not my own shortcoming.

Now if you'll excuse me, Millie's cousin Tilly is in town and my presence is requested on the pier.

Dumbest British Traditions

2013-05-21T20:26:36Z

British people seem smart in those Harry Potter films, but those limeys do a lot of dumb things, including calling fries "chips," and chips "crisps."

Don't even get us started on the bad teeth or the silly names they give their pubs (probably when they're drunk).

Dumb As A Blog has compiled some of the dumbest British traditions around.

Arden Phillips: What Does It Mean to Be an American?

2013-05-21T20:12:38Z

This is one of those questions that is discussed on a daily basis. What does it mean to be an American? What are the morals that we strive to uphold? What values do we believe in?

Some say that being an American means having the utmost pride in your country. Others argue that it means to follow the ideals put forth in the Declaration of Independence -- the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (which I thought came out in 2006?). All of these definitions are valid. But here are a few other characteristics that I think describe what it really means to be an American:

1. To prefer the 1998 Lindsay Lohan version of Parent Trap over the original. "The old one is just so, like, boring."

2. To have read 50 Shades of Grey but say you didn't. "Yeah, well I thought about it but then I decided against it, it's just too much, you know?"

3. To have read 50 Shades of Grey and comment on how it "isn't well written." "Yeah, I mean I read it but there were so many grammatical errors, I could barely focus."

4. To put Jay-Z and Beyoncé on a pedestal. "No, honestly they're basically as powerful as the First Couple."

5. To be emotionally invested in celebrities cheating on one another. "Does Kristen Stewart even have a heart? Does she? Robert Pattinson would never hurt a fly."

6. To apply to 16 colleges when you only want to go to two of them. "I just want to have a lot of options. Is 14 safety schools enough?"

7. To be a woman and say you wish Anderson Cooper wasn't gay. "He's just so good looking. I could totally see myself marrying him. Ugh, if only he were straight."

8. To talk about how Chipotle should deliver. "Do they even realize how much money they could make if they would just deliver?!"

9. To Instagram a picture out of an airplane. "Almost home. Beautiful view. #Airplane #FromTheAir #Mountains #Water #View #Gorgeous #10,000Feet #Delta."

10. To not know what Labor Day celebrates. "Wait, so what even is Labor Day? We get school off right?"

11. To constantly talk about how you wish your pets could talk. "Don't you just wish that they could speak? I'm just dying to know what they're thinking."

12. To get frustrated and defensive when you see that the person you're texting doesn't have an iPhone. "Oh god our messages are green. No iMessage? Who doesn't have an iPhone? Like, why not?"

13. To be overly impressed with Nordstrom's return policy. "They are just so fair. It's been over a year and they still let me return this sweater. Talk about good people."

14. To talk about how everyone talks about Anne Hathaway. "Everyone is always saying how Anne Hathaway annoys them and it's really true, there's just something about her."

15. To over-utilize WebMD.com. "Cough, slight headache, kind of twitchy right hand, burning sensation in ears... oh my god, these are my symptoms. I have Polio."

God bless America.

Lester & Charlie: Do It At Home, America! Ep. 71

2013-05-21T20:01:18Z

"The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean." ~Erma Bombeck

Some corporations must think we're real suckers. Take the people who make trash bag liners. They cost a fortune, yet what do we do with them as soon as we get home from the supermarket? We throw the darn things in the trash!

Bathroom cleansers -- there's another. Talk about flushing money down the toilet.

Well, it's time to fight back. In this episode of "Do It At Home, America!" we uncover the secret savings of keeping your toilet bowl clean with nothing but common household objects -- 1970s style!

Follow Lester & Charlie on Facebook

We Can't Stop Watching This Weird GIF

2013-05-21T19:55:22Z

The internet is a magical place. It gives us things like this mayonnaise GIF, these mesmerizing food porn GIFs and this completely amazing backwards GIF of a man excitedly eating cotton candy.

We can't stop watching. It's oddly beautiful, isn't it?

[h/t That's Nerdalicious]

WATCH: These '99 Problems' Will Make You Hungry

2013-05-21T19:50:44Z

Sorted Food's new parody of "99 Problems" by Jay-Z might fit better on the Food Network than MTV. Hova's original didn't make us nearly as hungry as this one.

'Girls' Adds To Season 3 Cast

2013-05-21T19:49:08Z

Jennifer Westfeldt has joined the cast of "Girls."

The "Kissing Jessica Stein" writer and star was spotted filming a funeral scene of "Girls" Season 3 with Adam Driver in New York City.

HBO confirmed that Westfeldt will appear in an upcoming episode of "Girls," but did not reveal details about her new role.

Westfeldt, who has been with "Mad Men" star Jon Hamm since 1997, has multiple TV credits to her name, including "24," "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" and "Grey's Anatomy." She wrote, starred in and directed the 2011 flick "Friends With Kids."

Check out the full photo of Westfeldt on the "Girls" set below:

Abby Heugel: Withdraw Symptoms

2013-05-21T19:43:23Z

I'm pretty sure the Pope and his posse could pull up behind me in the Popemobile at the ATM and I would still think they were plotting to mug me or judge me for taking too long to complete my transaction.

In my defense, I had never even used an ATM before last year. I have no idea why that is, but I have since remedied the situation and can say I've probably used one in an excess of two dozens times since that first jaunt. However, like most mundane activities, I can find something to complicate the situation.

A normal person would simply drive up to the machine, insert their card, enter in their PIN, complete their transaction, grab a receipt and move on with their life. In case you are new here, I'm not entirely normal.

While there are moments of ATM glory, there are also moments of shame and most of those moments look something like this:

Drive up to cash machine

Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

Set parking brake, put the window down, glance around to make sure no one is lurking nearby

Grab purse and try to pry the debit card out of my wallet

Find mint and get distracted by my good fortune

Focus on card and then swear as it refuses to budge out of my wallet

Turn the radio down -- too distracting

Precariously hang out of the window to insert card

Attempt to insert card into machine

Re-insert card the right way up

Glance around again for would-be muggers

Enter PIN

Enter amount of cash required

Press cancel and re-enter correct amount of cash required

Back up the car again to retrieve an envelope for soon-to-be-delivered cash

Retrieve cash and receipt

Glance around again for would-be muggers

Grab purse and place cash and receipt inside

Look for another mint but find only disappointment

Drive forward two feet

Reverse back to cash machine

Precariously hang out of the window to retrieve card

Grab wallet again and shove card into the slot provided

Silently memorize the facial features of the irate male driver/would-be mugger in line behind me

Drive forward two feet

Bathe my hands in sanitizer

Move on with my life

You see how exhausting this is?

No wonder I held off so long.

WATCH: A Chemistry Lab Fireball Makes It 'Rain'

2013-05-21T19:36:42Z

A high school chemistry experiment involved shooting fireballs up at the ceiling near the sprinkler system. Just guess what happened next -- and the chaos was captured in the viral video above.

Scott Roach, a high school teacher in Glasgow, Ky., was demonstrating the properties of natural gas on May 17 when he set off the sprinklers at Glasgow High School, the Glasgow Daily Times reported. Epic fail.

“We’re flooding boys!” Youtube user ihaverealvideos, a student who caught the amusing accident on camera, shouted in the background of the video.

A self-identified senior at Glasgow High School wrote on Reddit: "The classroom and a few others around it flooded and completely ruined a few computers in the facility while causing the ceiling under the lab to slightly collapse and for ankle deep water to fill the school."

Fans were still set up in 14 classrooms the following Monday to clear out moisture, the Glasgow Daily Times reported. But all in all, the school's principal Keith Hale told the newspaper that the students did a "good job" evacuating after the incident.

"It was a good drill for us," he said.

Louis Virtel: Weeklings!: Judging the American Idol Judges (VIDEO)

2013-05-21T19:08:49Z

Candice Glover is the undisputed champ of American Idol's 12th season, and I think she'd want us to celebrate that.

Well, I have an idea: Now that Season 12 is over, let's judge Idol's judges, Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj, Randy Jackson and Mariah Carey, for all they're worth -- and, hell, Seacrest too. Frankly, they all deserve it.

Dim the lights, Kieran. Let's do this.

WATCH:

You can find previous Weeklings! episodes here.

Justin Bieber Takes Justin Bieber VERY Seriously

2013-05-21T18:59:17Z

Justin Bieber made headlines this weekend when, upon receiving the Milestone Award at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards Sunday night, he asked to be taken more seriously as an artist.

That statement alone wouldn't have been such a shocker ("This is not a gimmick") had Bieber not been booed off the stage. Aww, poor Biebs. At least there's one person who takes him seriously, and that's ... well ... himself?!

Why so serious, Biebs?

Photo: Getty

Photo: FameFlynet

Photo: Pacific Coast News

Photo: Getty

Photo: Pacific Coast News

Photo: Getty

Photo: FameFlynet

Photo: Getty

WATCH: Amy Schumer Spoofs Funny Fashion 'Compliments'

2013-05-21T18:58:52Z

Amy Schumer has distinguished herself as one to watch among the up-and-coming comedian set, female or otherwise. Her sketch show, "Inside Amy Schumer," has been heralded as "the best thing to hit the airwaves since 'The Golden Girls,'" and it's easy to see why in last week's "Compliments" sketch.

The video, which you can watch below, spoofs the all-too-familiar fact that women can't take a compliment. Schumer pokes fun at the unending self deprecation as each friend one-ups (one-unders?) the others in a series of hilarious sarcastic comparisons.

We can totally relate. You may think your new sneaker wedges are totally cutting-edge, but suddenly your friend walks into the room with flatforms and you're hiding your feet under the table in shame. And how many times have you responded to an outfit compliment with an offhand, "Oh, this old thing...?"

Yeah, these women take sartorial insecurity to a whole new level. Behold, the ladies' silliest shrug-offs:

"I'm like, a size 100 now."

"I look like a whore locked out of her apartment."

"Are you drunk? I look like an Armenian man."

"F**k you, I'm a f**king cow. Indian people are trying to worship me. I sleep standing up in a field."

"Of COURSE I see everyone when I look like Susan Boyle's toothbrush."

"Your t*ts make Katy Perry's look like the Holocaust."

Watch what happens when a woman responds with a simple "Thank you!" in the video below!

More women who have us in stitches:

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WATCH: This Guy Has No Idea What He's Doing

2013-05-21T18:47:10Z

Details remain sketchy on the exact location of these moped mishaps, or of the identity of the driver in the following video. Shanghaiist speculates the events took place in Lianzhang, Anhui province, China in March. Even without further information, one burning question emerges:

Is this guy the worst scooter driver ever?

Judging by the last five seconds of the clip, the answer seems to be a resounding "Yes."

Melissa McCarthy Reportedly Fires Extra On Set Of New Movie

2013-05-21T18:41:37Z

Melissa McCarthy's directorial debut has already attracted some controversy. According to TMZ, McCarthy had an extra removed from the set of the upcoming comedy "Tammy," a new film that the "Bridesmaids" star is co-directing with her husband Ben Falcone.

As reported by TMZ sources, the female extra "harshly" grabbed her child on the set, forcing McCarthy to take action. HuffPost Entertainment contacted McCarthy's representatives for comment on the incident, but have not heard back at press time.

"Tammy" is a passion project for McCarthy, who also co-wrote the film with Falcone. The comedy is about a down-on-her-luck woman who is forced to take a road trip with her alcoholic grandmother (played by Susan Sarandon). “They both have their issues they’re not acknowledging and they’re leaving town without knowing where they’re going," McCarthy told EW.com about the film. "I love that there’s something that happens in a car with people where all bets off. You're off your rhythm, off your schedule, you're forced to be completely adaptable or die."

"Tammy" is not a sequel to "Identity Thief," but the road-trip structure is certainly familiar. Like that hit film, Universal will release "Tammy"; the project is set to arrive in theaters on July 2, 2014.

For more on the extra, head to TMZ.

[via TMZ]

Larry David Looks Unrecognizable In 'Clear History' Teaser

2013-05-21T18:03:50Z

Larry David looks downright unrecognizable in a new teaser trailer for his upcoming HBO movie "Clear History." Cruising down the highway sporting shoulder-length hair and a long, scraggly beard, the "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" creator looks like he just walked off the set of "Sons Of Anarchy."

The comedy, which is directed by David and "Superbad" director Greg Motolla, also stars Jon Hamm, Eva Mendes, Amy Ryan, Danny McBride, Kate Hudson and Michael Keaton.

According to EW, "David stars as Nathan, a hipster marketing exec who sells all his shares at a start-up over a fight with his boss (Jon Hamm, left), only to miss out on billions when the company’s new product—an electric car—becomes a smashing success." Much like "Curb," the project relied heavily on comedic improvisation.

"Clear History" premieres in August on HBO.