Parents on HuffingtonPost.com

Phil Finds Out Haley's Not A Virgin On 'Modern Family'

2012-02-23T06:20:43Z

Phil got a huge shock to the system, and with no advanced warning on "Modern Family" (Wed., 9 p.m. EST on ABC), when Alex mistook his reference to "Haley's aversion." Alex thought he said, "Haley's a virgin," causing her to laugh uncontrollably. Until, that is, she realized the mistake, and what she'd just revealed.

It was a difficult realization for Phil, and he struggled to process the information. What does that mean about Haley? About his relationship with his eldest daughter? It's a struggle all too common to fathers of daughters in particular, as protectiveness is a natural state, as is the naive belief that their baby girl will stay their baby girl forever.

Haley tried to gingerly tell him, via talking about Lily's broken doll, that this does't change anything about her. She's still the same girl she ever was, just changed. It took him a while, but he did manage to handle it and realize that it doesn't have to change anything. It's a normal part of growing up.

Perhaps most unexpectedly, he also discovered that Claire had known already for the past three months. When he confronted her about it, Claire began to muster up a defense, but all Phil did was hug her and thank her. He'd given her three more months of believing in the external innocence of his little girl. Haley may have taken that next step toward growing up, but Phil was spared it if even momentarily, and he was grateful for the reprieve.

"Modern Family" anchors ABC's comedy block on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. EST.

TV Replay scours the vast television landscape to find the most interesting, amusing, and, on a good day, amazing moments, and delivers them right to your browser.

Carla Lohr: Isolating a Child With Disabilities Can Do Life-Long Damage

2012-02-23T03:50:30Z

Shielding a child with disabilities from life experiences is a sensitive subject. Unfortunately, it is one all too often ignored by many well-meaning parents of children with disabilities. While most of them only want what is best for their children and will go to great lengths to do what they must to protect them, they often do not realize that being over-protective can cause just as many problems as it appears to solve.

Naturally, parents want to protect their children. Many parents of special needs children feel that their children may need more protection than if they didn't have such a diagnosis. To many people, this makes sense and in some circumstances it may be true -- but not always.

In an effort to protect their children, some parents will only seek out other disabled children for potential friendships. This is something that was dramatized in a recent episode of NBC's Parenthood. A character in the series Max Braverman (Max Burkholder), is a young man with Asperger's. Max is unable to make friends and is paired with a boy named Micah, who was born with spina bifida and uses a wheelchair. The episode gives viewers the impression that people with disabilities can or should only befriend other people who are disabled. I know this may make sense to a lot of people; however, restricting a disabled child's relationships can have devastating effects on his or her personal development and ability to function in the adult world.

In an effort to make life as comfortable as possible, some parents will seek out special schools, groups, or activities catered to their children, so that they will only have to deal with children who share their disability Obviously, no parents want their children to have to deal with feeling different, being left out or being hurt by questions and curious looks. They don't want their children to deal with the frustration of trying to fit in and not always succeeding. They don't want them to get discouraged, and they don't want life to be any more difficult for them than it already is. In theory, this practice seems like the ideal solution. In reality, it can have devastating effects.

Part of being a human being is learning how to navigate one's way through this world, from the cradle to grave. Everyone has to interact with other people - people who may be different -- and the better one knows how to do this, the easier it is to steer one's course Without those skills, one has a very difficult time getting through school, having and maintaining meaningful relationships later in life, and gaining and maintaining employment. These are all things that the majority of human beings want out of life. It is our job as parents to give our children the tools necessary to accomplish these goals, regardless of whether the children will be successful in the endeavor.

Everyone has the basic human right to pursue happiness. To do this, children with disabilities need to be exposed to the same life experiences any other kid has. They need to be exposed to a variety of people and situations. The children must learn to deal with anger, disappointment and frustration, just as any other person would. They must also learn how to deal with people who ask questions, including people who may not be comfortable around them or those who act like complete jerks. The child should be given the opportunity to learn how to gauge the appropriate responses to all these things. To deny this is to deny them their basic human rights.

I often ask parents with a disabled child what their plans are when they are no longer alive or able to care for their children. I am mostly met with a blank stare. It is a real concern, because many of these children will end up living in group homes or nursing homes. It is a real shame when you consider how different things would be if the children had been given proper tools to live on their own or with the help of some assistance. This is a much better option, but for them to do this, they have to know how to function as adults.

I started school in the very early 1980s, well before the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) ever existed. As much as the ADA has done for so many people, and it is a wonderful thing, I am thankful that it did not exist until my high school years.

I was the only kid in my school with any kind of disability, and although teachers helped me with some things while I still had my full body braces, they didn't have to. My family always taught me how to do for myself. It was the only option there was -- a sink or swim situation. I had to make friends with the "normal" kids because they were the only kids around. I had to learn how to keep up, and when I couldn't, I had to do something else or learn to be a spectator. I did what I could with what I had and moved on.

This was the experience of many that are my age or older than me. It was a different time, and things were done in a different way. I never knew anyone with an aide. I am not saying aides are bad for children and adults who absolutely cannot function without them. In those cases, they are necessary. But, for those who can, even if they have to struggle more than the other kids, it is best to let the children figure out how to do things for themselves.

My son can walk and does not need an aide. Nonetheless, he qualified for one. His diagnosis made it possible for a person to assist him every day at school and do everything for him. I refused to accept the assistance. Even if he could not walk, I would never have allowed him to have an aide. I feel it would have done more harm than good. It would have taught him to rely on others for things he can do himself, even if it takes longer or is more difficult.

When I was in school, I walked with crutches and I carried my own books in a crocheted bag my mother made for me. I was expected to be in class by the time the bell rang, and if I wasn't, I got a tardy slip. Just as I did it then, my son does it now. By the time I got to college, I was ready to face the world, without hesitation and without fear.

The school experiences I have described do not happen as often in the younger generations. There is too much sheltering and too much pity. Pity is a monster that will do nothing but destroy any hope for the development of a healthy state of mind. Pity will cripple people's ability to see children with a disability for the persons they are and not the circumstances they are in. Doubt will destroy those children's dreams, and they will never be given a chance to discover all that they are capable of becoming. Separation only breeds more separation and a lifetime of loneliness.

We as a society need to step back and rethink the view we have of disabled children. People with disabilities are not weak, mentally or physically. If they were, they would not be here in the first place. The parents who are raising these children have to get serious about bringing these children up with the understanding that they can live their lives to the fullest. We all deserve to be what we want, and they deserve the same opportunities that everyone else has.

Everyone needs to understand that although children with disabilities may appear different, there is nothing wrong with them.

Instead of isolating them and projecting our perceived limitations onto them, we should give them the tools they need and let them show us just how strong and capable they really are.

As for those of us who have lived life with a disability or those who are now facing the reality of learning to live with one, it is time to shine. Let's make sure the way is paved for those who come after us. We have to show the parents, the children and the world who we really are. Only then will the public perception change. The public, the media and the government cannot and should not do it for us.

WATCH: Oil Man's Son Fights Pipeline And 'Decline Of A Civilization'

2012-02-23T02:05:24Z

Lee Brain may claim to be "no one in particular," but after a speech delivered last weekend to a pipeline review panel, many identify him as the oil man's son who "does not see eye to eye" with his father.

Brain delivered his stirring speech in Prince Rupert on February 18 to Canada's Northern Gateway Pipeline Joint Review Panel. As the Vancouver Observer highlighted, it was "the most moving moment" of the hearings.

The proposal to run a pipeline from Bruderheim, Alberta to Kitimat, British Columbia has been fought by many environmental and aboriginal groups. According to their website, the government-mandated Joint Review Panel is working to "assess the environmental effects of the proposed project and review the application under both the Canadian Environmental Assessment Act and the National Energy Board Act."

Growing up in Prince Rupert as the son of an EPCM contractor, 26-year-old Brain is an unlikely pipeline opponent. A few years ago, his father sent him off to experience the oil industry first-hand. His month-long experience on one of the worldâs largest oil refineries in rural India gave him serious doubts about the future of the oil industry.

"It's time for us to dismantle the institutions that are beginning to imprison us," he said.

Brain told the panel he witnessed villages that had slowly become impoverished -- he believes this occurred after a refinery project arrived carrying a slew of troubles, from a pipeline break to cheap labor issues.

Brain said that his experiences left him believing that "those who work in industry can get excited about growth and yet subsequently, can turn their eyes off towards any adverse impacts they are creating as a result."

Looking to the future, he suggested moving away from fossil fuels, and focusing on a new energy economy. Although Brain was interrupted for presenting an argument over oral evidence of his personal experience, his speech was met with loud applause and a standing ovation, according to the YouTube description.

Brain concluded his speech by asking whether people will choose to embrace a new way of life or "a predictable path that leads to the slow, inevitable decline of a civilization."

The Enbridge Northern Gateway Project Joint Review Panel describes the panel's mission on its website, stating they are "an independent body, mandated by the Minister of the Environment and the National Energy Board. The Panel will assess the environmental effects of the proposed project and review the application under both the Canadian Environmental Assessment Act and the National Energy Board Act."

According to Reuters, many groups that oppose Keystone XL are also against Northern Gateway:

They say the route of the pipeline is too dangerous, owing to seismic activity, frequent landslides and other natural hazards that could lead to oil spills. They also say the chemical makeup of the diluted bitumen that would flow through the pipeline is more corrosive than conventional oil, a contention that has not been proven by independent study.

Enbridge claims their pipeline follows a safe route and uses new technologies which will cut down on rupture risks.

William Lucas Walker: Spilled Milk: Photoshopping My Neck

2012-02-23T00:42:17Z

It's 8:30. Baths are done, the kids' teeth have been brushed for the mandated seven seconds, and it's time for bed. Which for my 6-year-old, still means a story.

Only my son is tired of the old standbys. We've exhausted Hans Christian Anderson and I'm avoiding Pinocchio because James is at that stage where he's keeps drawing raucous comparisons between Pinocchio's telescoping nose and his own . . . let's just say for now we're skipping stories about wooden boys.

So tonight James is bored, like my agent, and demanding new material, like my agent.

"Daddy, make up a story!"

As anyone can tell you who has read Bruno Bettelheim's classic, The Uses of Enchantment (I haven't), the most timeless and enduring fairy tales evolve from deep inner human conflicts. Universal problems which, according to Bettelheim, ". . . seem incomprehensible and hence unsolvable." That's why they resonate.

This holds true as well for my made-up fairy tales. Which means that on this night, in honoring my son's request for a new story, I go with my most recent obsession.

"Once upon a time," I begin, "Daddy had a jawline."

James stares at me blankly.

"A jawline, James, so chiseled that it could slice through a thicket of thorny brambles. A jawline, my son, that in the 80s turned the heads of some of the most desirable princes on the island of Manhattan. A jawline, baby boy -- and I pause for effect -- Audrey Hepburn would have killed for."

"Audrey who?" drones James, his clueless eyes confirming what researchers have stated for years, that a child's sexual orientation is firmly set by the age of four.

I attempt launching into Audrey's extensive filmography, but James is having none of it.

"I don't like this story."

"Trust me, it's really, really good. The bad guy . . . is Time."

"I want this," he says, handing me a book. And for the fifth time this February, we begin Tow Mater Saves Christmas.

James doesn't give a damn about his dad's deep inner conflict, and why should he? He couldn't care less about the incomprehensible and hence unsolvable problem of my sagging flesh. But tonight he's the loser. James loves scary stories, and there is nothing more terrifying than a jawline being swallowed by a neck.

All this began about four years ago. Bodies and minds begin the ugly joke of betraying their owners sometime after 40. I'm a good bit past that. I began to suspect something more serious -- premature senility, to be exact -- the day it became clear that my neck had lost every memory of how it's supposed to look. Turtlenecks that once gave me a sleek, faux-hottie appearance at holiday parties have now become sad knit retaining walls struggling to hold back a mudslide of skin.

Technology used to make me feel young. Smartphones, iPads, I was always the first on my block. I felt so zippy and hip with my texting and apps. I was especially thrilled with the advent of Skype, which makes possible a magical feat: being able to see the people you need to call but would do just about anything to avoid being in the same room with. I was enjoying this delightful innovation one afternoon a few months ago with David, a college friend I've not seen in over a decade, when he casually remarked, "Hey, what is it they call that thing under your chin? Is that a wattle?" I no longer Skype.

Recently my 10-year-old daughter began playing with it. The wattle. Playing with it. Swinging Daddy's swooping neck back and forth like some hideous hammock of flesh. Elizabeth soon grew tired of this game and stated flatly, "Daddy, you need to get this thing grilled off." Grilled off? I have no idea what that means, but I agree completely.

My husband says no way. He's adamant on this subject; plastic surgery is a deal-breaker. Kelly belongs to that rare species you occasionally read about in obscure medical journals: the gay man without vanity. He says he has no problem with my thickening neck. Or waistline, he adds unnecessarily. Circle of life, he calls it. Easy to say when you're 12 years younger and your circle hasn't started to sag.

"You can't turn back time. Embrace the future," says the man who still uses the clock radio he got in junior high. I point out the irony.

"There's nothing wrong with my clock radio," he says. "It works great and so does your neck. You're not changing either one."

I point out that his clock radio still looks exactly the same as it did in 1982. If that were true of my neck, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

So I Photoshop it.

It's free, it's fast and I've become really good at it. In minutes I can adjust any unflattering photo, restoring my failing jawline to what it what it still looks like in my mind, one so chiseled it really could slice through a thicket of thorny brambles.

I recommend that you learn to do this. You'll feel a million times better the next time you see that photo of yourself that only last week you mistook for a stranger smuggling a blowfish under his chin.

Then you too can make up bedtime stories for your bored, straight child that end like this:

"And so, Time was vanquished, the handsome prince was restored his rightful jawline, and he and his neck lived happily ever after." In photos.

* * * * *

This post is the third in a series of Spilled Milk columns by William Lucas Walker that chronicle his journey through parenthood.

More Spilled Milk:

Prop 8 -- The Color of Pee-Pee

Crossing the Big Black Line

The Vote Is In: Will $250 Truancy Tickets Stay?

2012-02-22T23:47:40Z

Story comes courtesy of The City Maven.

By Alice M. Walton.

Los Angeles students who are truant from school would not face a monetary fine until their third offense under a proposal unanimously approved today by the Los Angeles City Council.

The amended daytime curfew is expected to receive final approval next Wednesday.

Students who are stopped by police for not being in school would either have to show the court that they have an attendance plan that was developed with a guardian or perform 20 hours of community service over a 60-day period. If a student violates the daytime curfew three times, he could face a $20 fine, which would increase to as much as $155 with court fees. The current fine is $250.

âItâs really difficult for kids to pay that fine. It certainly puts a strain on families and really creates a system that is more designed to help people fail than to help people succeed,â said Judge Michael Nash, who presides over the Juvenile Dependency Court.

Between 2004 and 2009, LAPD and school officers issued 47,000 truancy tickets. African-American and Latino students accounted for 88 percent of those tickets, though they represent 74 percent of the student body, according to a report from the Public Safety Committee.

Los Angeles City Councilman Tony Cardenas spearheaded the change to the curfew.

âTruancy is a very important issue because school attendance rates are directly tied to school success and (are) a proven factor in reducing crime,â Cardenas said. âWeâre going from a purely punitive model to a restorative justice model.â

truancy fine

Michael Ian Black's Parenting Advice

2012-02-22T23:44:05Z

Michael Ian Black is a lot of things. Heâs an actor, a writer, an author of childrenâs books and of books for grown-ups; heâs a solid stand-up comedian with a pair of albums and a Comedy Central hour special to prove it; heâs a also a married guy with two kids. And itâs those last credits I was most interested in as I was preparing Laughspinâs coverage on his memoir Youâre Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations, out Feb 28. Because hereâs the truth: Iâm 34, been married for six years and have two sons, ages 3 and six months (or so), and Iâm losing my fucking mind.

WATCH: Check Out These Cute Oscar Predictions

2012-02-22T23:10:10Z

Forget the movie critics and members of the Academy, here's a look at who the kids think will take home an Oscar on Sunday night.

Guyism's Ryan Jones took the streets to ask children which movies they thought were worthy of an Academy Award, and these youngsters don't hold anything back.

One sassy lady even declares she prefers the movie "Hugo" to her friend by the same name.

The kids weigh on important issues including Meryl Streep's performance in "The Iron Lady" and the meaning behind "The Tree of Life."

Sadly, group favorites Ashton Kutcher and Selena Gomez weren't among this year's nominees, but, hey, there's always 2013.

Via Guyism

Need more movie buzz? Check out HuffPost blogger Liz Kozak's hilarious Oscar cheat sheet.

8-Year-Old Student Shot At Washington Elementary School

2012-02-22T22:57:25Z

SEATTLE — An 8-year-old girl was in critical condition Wednesday after she was shot in the abdomen at her elementary school near Seattle, and one of her classmates was detained, authorities said Wednesday.

The injured third-grader was airlifted to Seattle's Harborview Medical Center, where she underwent surgery Wednesday afternoon so doctors could assess her injuries, hospital spokeswoman Susan Gregg said.

Police said a third-grade boy was being questioned and a firearm was found in a classroom. The boy apparently shot the girl, though police provided no further details about the incident and said their investigation was just beginning.

The Bremerton Schools superintendent's office said the girl was shot in the abdomen.

Bremerton police Lt. Peter Fisher said officers and emergency crews were dispatched to Armin Jahr Elementary school in Bremerton around 1:30 p.m. in response to a call that a student was shot by another student. The school is in a quiet residential neighborhood about 20 miles west of Seattle, across Puget Sound.

The school went into lockdown immediately after the shooting, said Bremerton Schools spokeswoman Patty Glaser. Lockdown procedures call for announcements to be made over the school's loudspeakers and for teachers to lock their classrooms, she said.

Armin Jahr Elementary has about 400 students, Glaser said. She said the school will reopen Thursday and three counselors will talk to teachers, students and parents.

"Our plans at this time, school will continue as usual," Glaser said.

When asked how a gun was brought into the school, Fisher said police were still investigating the circumstances and couldn't provide details.

Police were working with the school district Wednesday afternoon to reunite parents with their children, Fisher added, and investigators were interviewing witnesses, which included students.

As of mid-afternoon, parents were still arriving to pick up their children from the school. A police officer was checking vehicles as they entered the parking lot.

Many questions remained, including how a child could have obtained a loaded weapon and brought it into a grade school classroom.

In the latest scorecard by the Brady Campaign, a national gun control advocacy group, Washington scored no points in the child safety category because the state does not require trigger locks for guns and lacks laws to prevent child access to firearms.

"Washington state is a loosely regulated state when it comes to firearms," said Gregory Roberts, executive director of Washington Cease Fire, a Brady Campaign affiliate.

Amanda Roth, a staff attorney for the San Francisco-based Legal Community Against Violence, said 27 states and the District of Columbia have some form of firearm child access prevention laws. Such laws can include requirements to use gun locks and criminal penalties for adults who allow children to get their hands on guns.

___

Associated Press photographer Ted Warren in Bremerton contributed to this report.

WATCH: Teenager Dies After Inhaling Helium At Wild Party

2012-02-22T22:36:16Z

EAGLE POINT, Ore. — Last weekend, 14-year-old Ashley Long told her parents she was going to a slumber party. But instead of spending the night watching videos and eating popcorn two blocks away, she piled into a car with a bunch of her friends and rode to a condo in Medford, Ore., where police say the big sister of one of her friends was throwing a party with booze and marijuana.

After drinking on the drive, and downing more drinks in the condo, it came time for Ashley to take her turn on a tank of helium that everyone else was inhaling to make their voices sound funny.

"That helium tank got going around," said Ashley's stepfather, Justin Earp, who learned what happened from talking to Ashley's friends at the party. "It got to my daughter. My daughter didn't want to do it. It was peer pressure. They put a mask up to her face. They said it would be OK. `It's not gonna hurt you. It'll just make you laugh and talk funny.'"

Instead, she passed out and later died at a hospital, the result of an obstruction in a blood vessel caused by inhaling helium from a pressurized tank.

It's a common party trick – someone sucks in helium to give their voice a cartoon character sound.

But the death exposes the rare but real dangers of inhaling helium, especially from a pressurized tank.

Dr. Mark Morocco, associate professor of emergency medicine at the Ronald Reagan Medical Center in Los Angeles, said what happens is similar to when a scuba diver surfaces too quickly. A gas bubble gets into the bloodstream, perhaps through some kind of tear in a blood vessel, and can block blood flow to the brain, causing a stroke.

The gas is also commonly seen in suicide kits – mail-order hoods sold out of Oregon and elsewhere that can be attached to a helium tank by people who want to kill themselves. In those cases, the helium crowds out the oxygen, asphyxiating a person.

Death from inhaling helium is so rare that the American Association Poison Control Centers lumps it in with other gases, such as methane and propane. Only three deaths were recorded in 2010, said spokeswoman Loreeta Canton.

It's important to remind kids that ingesting any substance – for the sake of getting high or just changing their voices – can be dangerous, said Frank Pegueros, executive director of DARE, Drug Abuse Resistance Education.

Pegueros said the first defense is for parents to tell their kids about the dangers of certain substances. He said kids need to also ask themselves whether going along with the crowd at a party is worth it.

"Peer pressure is a very potent force," he said. "We've all gone through it growing up."

"It's getting somebody to pause and think and evaluate the situation and determine, is this something that's going to have a bad consequence," he said.

Police have arrested 27-year-old Katherine McAloon, who lived in the condo, on charges of providing alcohol and marijuana to minors. Four men who were at the party have been questioned by police, but have not been charged, said Medford Police Lt. Mike Budreau. More charges may be filed after police turn over their evidence to the district attorney.

Ashley was a goofy, nerdy eighth-grader who struggled with her weight, was just starting to notice boys, got top grades in school, had posters of Justin Bieber all over her room and wanted to grow up to be a marine biologist, said her mom, Loriann Earp. The family moved from Grants Pass, Ore., to Eagle Point about a year ago, and Ashley had just gotten over the difficulty of adjusting to eighth grade in a new school.

Justin Earp said the kids had four wine coolers each in the car, and four mixed drinks at the condo, before they started passing around the helium.

Police said it was an 8-gallon canister, the kind you can buy at many stores. The kids were taking hits directly from the tank.

When Ashley passed out, someone tried CPR. Then they called 911. Paramedics tried to revive her and took her to the hospital.

"About 11:30 we got a phone call from police saying they were doing CPR on our daughter," said Justin Earp.

At the hospital, they were told that Ashley had died.

Her family has set up a foundation, Ashley's Hope, to spread the word about the dangers of inhaling helium.

Loriann Earp feels like her daughter was stolen from her.

"My whole chest is collapsed and my heart is broken," she said through sobs. "I don't understand."

___

Follow Jeff Barnard on Twitter: . http://www.twitter.com/jeffbarnardAP

Fighting The 'Gimmies': Getting Kids Away From Materialism

2012-02-22T22:32:07Z

Marc and Craig Kielburger are the co-founders of Free The Children and Me to We, a social enterprise. They are authors of "The World Needs Your Kid: Raising Children Who Care And Contribute," with journalist Shelley Page.

"They're not so much children as what I like to call 'evolving consumers'."

You could be forgiven for thinking this was a classic line from Mr. Burns in The Simpsons. But it's actually attributed to well-known (real-life) marketing executive Elliott Ettenberg. And he's not alone -- fellow advertising guru Nancy Shalek famously told the Los Angeles Times, "Advertising at its best is making people feel that without their product, they're a loser. Kids are very sensitive to that. If you tell them to buy something, they are resistant. But if you tell them they'll be a dork if they don't, you've got their attention."

Maybe it's over-dramatic to say there's a war going on for the souls of our kids, but it's definitely a struggle. On one side: the 20,000 commercials that Canadian kids see each year (60 per cent of which promote sugared cereals, candy, fatty food and toys), armed with the latest research in child psychology. On the other: Mom and Dad, armed with "You're still cool to me, sweetheart."

Studies abound on the inverse relationship between materialism and happiness, including among kids. Professor Tim Kasser, author of The High Price of Materialism, asked 206 middle- and high-school students what they would do with $100, cross-analysing their answers with measures of their self-esteem, happiness, anxiety and high-risk behaviours.

He found that the kids who would save the money had higher self-esteem and didn't smoke. Those who would donate to charity were happier and less likely to smoke, use alcohol or get into trouble. And those who would spend more on themselves had lower self-esteem and greater anxiety. Professor Kasser validates the conventional wisdom linking self-esteem to materialism: "If a young person is driven by insecurity, they will shop. They are only doing the best they can to meet their needs."

We certainly weren't angels when it came to material pressure. Our mom loves telling the story about Marc hiding in the car in the parking lot of discount store Bi-Way, refusing to go inside or to wear anything she bought for him there. Mom took action a few weeks later during the holidays, bringing Marc along on a visit to the Chans -- a single-parent, recently arrived family whose daughter was Mom's student. Aware they were struggling in their new country, Mom did what she could to help.

On that Christmas gift run, Marc noticed that their small apartment in a run-down building was sparse but spotless. The kids had on their best clothes, and the cookies they served were clearly a luxury. After tea, Mrs. Chan handed Marc a small gift and said, in broken English, "You are our best friends. And best friends are so important to us. Thank you."

The words cut through Marc's cool veneer and showed him how fortunate our family was, and how Mom's small gestures of kindness and friendship could make a difference in the lives of an isolated family of newcomers.

Parents want their kids to be happy, and being accepted is a big part of happiness in childhood and adolescence. But when birthday party invitations stipulate that gifts must be worth at least $35, or include a private concert by Aerosmith, it's gotten out of control.

It's natural for kids to want certain things, but why not balance their needs with the needs of others? Here are some tips from Prof. Kasser and other parents we've met who have found that balance by tackling materialism head-on:

1. FIGHT THE GIMMIES
The Kassers limit their sons' screen time to 30 minutes a day and encourage alternatives that foster creativity and physical activity. Since it's nearly impossible to avoid all commercial advertising, it's also a good strategy to instill media literacy, like our friend and The World Needs Your Kid co-author Shelley Page, who taught her two daughters to "ad bust" from age four.
Whenever they saw an ad together (watching TV with your kids helps), Shelley and the girls deconstructed the message, "What are they selling me? Why are they selling it to me? What are they claiming it'll do for me? Is it true?" Now at ages nine and 12, the girls are informed consumers on whom ads have little effect. "They think ads for make-up, brand-name clothes, medicine, cars -- the list is long -- are ridiculous. We have great bonding time mocking commercials," says Shelley.

2. A BOOSTER SHOT OF SELF-ESTEEM
Vernon, BC-based child psychologist Dr. Kevin Murphy is author of The Jendorra Boxes -- a fantasy trilogy for adolescents that promotes positive social values through fiction. Over four decades working with children, teens and their parents, he's found that the key to building sustainable self-confidence in the early teen years is to "value not just final outcomes but also their effort and learning." Regular, constructive feedback on a child's progress toward an objective are more valuable than generalizations.
"Comments such as 'But I love you' may be true, but not necessarily all that useful," says Dr. Murphy, who also advocates encouraging kids to contribute to the household and community: "If a young person can do things of value for others then it becomes easier for them to value themselves and resist commercial efforts to exploit the uncertainty-based drop in self-confidence that is generally associated with the early teen years."

3. GIVE TIME, NOT STUFF
Many parents work harder and longer to provide a 'better' life for their families. The catch is that often the more parents work to provide, the less time they spend with their kids. In lieu of presence? Presents -- an exchange that teaches kids that stuff is more important than time spent with family. Instead, let the birthday girl or boy (parents included) choose the family activity and meal plan for the day, and volunteer together on holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hannukah. If you must give a gift, consider a coupon book with tokens for a movie night, a lift to a friend's house, or a week off from putting out the garbage.The Kassers make a point of collecting experiences instead of things, through family adventures such as Semester at Sea, a sailing school where Professor Kasser taught a psychology course and brought his family along to see the various countries they visited.

4. SPELL IT OUT: YOU'RE LUCKY
Like our mom did for Marc at the Chans, make sure your kids know that having more or better stuff isn't the most important thing in the world. From a very young age, start dinners with a round of thanks: to the sun, earth and farmers for growing the food, the grocery store clerks for stocking it, and the person who prepared it. Later, bring them to volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen. Trace the journey of your kids' clothes and toys -- note the discrepancy between their lifestyle and that of the workers in China or elsewhere who made their stuff. Of his kids' experience with Semester at Sea, Professor Kasser said: "They have now seen poverty and know what real poverty is. They know how privileged they are. What they want isn't really what they need."

5. MODEL IT
Like any other habit, it's hard to expect your kid to avoid the trappings of materialism if you spend your Saturdays draped with a rainbow of boutique bags at the mall. If you want to take a preventive approach, try taking family challenges like a TV Turn-Off Week or a Buy Nothing Week. Take a chance at your local second-hand store -- there's a range of options from fashion-conscious consignment stores, to mid-range Value Village, to the 'Whatever You Can Fit in a Bag for a Buck' church basement thrift store. Our friend and co-author Shelley has adopted the '3-Way Allowance Split' -- spend, save and charity -- and has a spare change jar in the kitchen that, once filled, goes to whatever charity the family chooses.

Dr. Harold Koplewicz: Extremely Loud and the Incredible Courage of Parents

2012-02-22T21:23:52Z

"Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" isn't exactly a favorite to win the Academy Award for Best Picture, but it's my personal favorite for a film that shows not only the courage of children but the courage of parents.

In the movie, based on the Jonathan Safran Foer novel, an 11-year-old boy struggles to come to terms with his father's death on 9/11 by constructing an elaborate quest to find the lock that matches an unmarked key found in his father's closet. It's a childish, magical fantasy -- that there will be a message from father to son in whatever safe deposit or lock box it fits. But he pursues it with the ingenious, literal-minded persistence of a very bright child with Asperger's, which the boy, Oskar, appears to have. Like any good quest, it involves traveling far and wide (all over the five boroughs of New York), meeting many characters, and learning from them. But Oskar also has overwhelming fears not unusual in kids on the spectrum; he's terrified of subways and bridges. The sight of him shaking his tambourine to quiet his fears as marches in what he calls "heavy boots" across the Manhattan Bridge will be moving to anyone who knows kids who are afflicted with intense anxiety.

But the thing in "Extremely Loud" that moved me even more than Oskar's nervous pluck was the portrayal of his parents -- their patient and equally ingenious efforts to understand Oskar's complexities and nurture his talents.

Oskar is not an easy child. In a scene that will be familiar to many parents -- whether your kids are on or off the spectrum -- we see Oskar's father, played by a Tom Hanks, trying unsuccessfully to coax Oskar onto the swings at a playground in Central Park by invoking his own boyhood pleasure in it. In that moment he's every parent who's felt the frustration of having a child who just can't do an ordinary thing all the other kids do, or just doesn't share his parents talents or passions.

But Hanks, and the filmmaker, play the scene marvelously: only a tug at the swing as he takes the boy home betrays the father's disappointment. And we are grateful, because Oskar is nearly as afraid of disappointing his father as he is of getting on that swing.

Hanks, who seems wonderfully tuned in to Oskar's strengths and wonderfully non-judgmental about his weaknesses, devises elaborate scavenger hunts to help his son navigate the city and get better at speaking to strangers. For his mother, getting on Oskar's wavelength seems tougher, and her parallel journey is a good deal of what the movie becomes about. She surprises Oskar, and herself, when she says, "You thought only your father could think like you."

But before we see them coming together there's an exchange that's both painful and wonderful in its honesty. In anger and frustration and loneliness, Oskar blurts out, "I wish it was you." That is, that she had been in the World Trade Center that day and not his father. She says simply, "Me, too." Later, feeling badly about hurting her feelings, he says, "I don't mean that." She says, in an awesomely comforting voice, giving him permission to have his feelings, "Yes, you do. "

A lot of critics disliked this film, called Oskar "obnoxious" or other words to that effect, and complained that they were being manipulated into "feeling sorry" for him. I think this is a misreading of the film: we're not being asked to feel sorry for Oskar or his mother and father. We're seeing the world, and the process of figuring out how to live after terrible loss, through their eyes. What I saw was love and courage and great creativity in the face of adversity -- something to admire, not something to feel sorry about.

Harold S. Koplewicz, M.D., is a leading child and adolescent psychiatrist and the president of the Child Mind Institute. For more about parenting kids with special needs and the courage of children, go to childmind.org, which also offers a wealth of information on childhood psychiatric and learning disorders.

DVF For GapKids: A Sneak Peek At The New Line (PHOTOS)

2012-02-22T21:10:35Z

We'll admit to being a little jealous of kids clothing these days. Um, hello, Stella McCartney for GapKids and all of the designers whipping up sartorial items for H&M? Yep, colour us green with envy.

And then came these sneak peek pics of the new -- and first -- Diane von Furstenberg collection for GapKids and babyGap. (The press kit, might we add, came with paper doll cut-outs we could dress up with DVF-styled stickers.)

Launching in the U.S. and Canada on March 15, and in the U.K. on March 28, the collection is basically a little girl's dream wardrobe (and, perhaps, some tweens and teens, too). It's full of the iconic prints that made Diane famous as well as her signature silhouette dresses and poppy colours. It's also full of summer 2012's wardrobe essentials: T-shirts, tanks, shorts, leggings and sunglasses. There's even a wrap dress.

On the line, Diane von Furstenberg says: "I am thrilled to collaborate with Gap on this playful collection for girls. It is timeless... colourful... effortless. That is very DVF!"

We couldn't agree more!

Dr. Gary Ginsberg: A Bitter Sweetener in Baby Formula

2012-02-22T20:52:43Z

New data from Dartmouth College has found elevated levels of arsenic in foods and infant formula that are sweetened with rice syrup. The data demonstrate the gaping holes in the regulation of our food supply, which is not a new story. But there is a new twist here. Rather than the problem being imports from other countries (e.g. see my recent blogs on arsenic in apple juice from China; fungicide in orange juice from Brazil) in this case, it's the domestic product that is more contaminated. Why should rice raised in the U.S. be the problem? Well cotton on to this one.

Major portions of the U.S. cotton belt have been converted over to rice production, so much so that the U.S. south produces 12 percent of all rice on the planet. The majority of rice consumed in the U.S. is domestic. Cotton fields historically received high doses of arsenic-based pesticide and this arsenic is still sitting in the topsoil. When you flood fields, creating rice paddies, the arsenic is mobilized and goes right into the crop. The good news is that it's toxic to rice, causing a syndrome called straighthead disease. That should have been enough to kill the concept, especially since who would want to produce rice with high levels of arsenic, a well known nerve poison and carcinogen. Well, apparently our own U.S. Dept of Agriculture would want to. Their research into rice cultivars that are resistant to arsenic has been a huge commercial success in the southern heartland. They are still doing research to improve rice production in high arsenic soils. To be fair, USDA is also doing research to try to find cultivars that don't become so highly contaminated by arsenic. But this research is not protecting the American public from the bad idea of growing rice on old cotton fields. This is tinkering with the U.S. food supply to maximize profit with minimal thought given to food safety. Its sister agency, FDA, does not even have safety standards for arsenic in rice.

Fortunately, the Dartmouth research points out the dangers of growing arsenic-resistant rice. In this case, they tested products containing organic brown rice syrup, a processed sweetener derived from rice. There is obviously something wrong with the organic label if you can call something grown on high arsenic soils organic. But aside from that, the compounding of mistakes is mind-numbing. Taking a crop high in arsenic and concentrating it down into a syrup and then putting that into baby formula sounds like a terrorist plot on a TV drama. Unfortunately, it's actually happening. And it's even more outrageous when considering that simple sugars and empty calories are a risk for diabetes. This effect is now combined with arsenic, a chemical that can decrease pancreatic function and is linked to diabetes.

The Dartmouth research found two brands of infant formula that contains the rice-based sweetener. The inorganic arsenic concentration in these brands was double the federal drinking water limit and five times higher when you add in the methyl forms of arsenic that also have some toxicity. And the daily dose per body weight for an infant on this formula would be 10 times higher than what USEPA's reference dose for arsenic dictates is safe.

The take home messages at this point are:

Parents of infants: avoid formulas that contain rice syrup; apparently most don't, but read the label. The two brands Dartmouth studied with high arsenic are Baby's Only Organic Dairy Toddler Formula and Baby's Only Organic Soy Toddler Formula, both made by Nature's One.

Everyone else: 1) Rice syrup -- minimize consumption until we know more; a little is no big deal and its not in that many things, but if its in the things you like (e.g., higher end snack bars) you will want to moderate. Since high fructose corn syrup has its question marks, I'd head in the direction of honey or plain old sugar. If you stay away from refined highly sweetened foods to start with you are way ahead of the game. 2) Rice -- imported rice is lower in arsenic; look for whole grain (brown) basmati or jasmine rice, which come from India and Thailand, respectively.

FDA: do more testing, especially of baby rice cereal; as baby's first solid food, its urgent that we get arsenic data on rice cereal from the U.S.

Dad Takes Adorable Photos For Sick Grandmother

2012-02-22T20:26:24Z

It's not every day that a little girl can transform into Super Mario, ride a flying bicycle, or let down her hair like Rapunzel (and then have her sister swing from it). But when your dad's a photographer and you're adorable, the magical becomes possible.

According to The Daily Mail, Jason Lee was inspired to start documenting his daughters' growth when his mom was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma in 2006. He wanted her to be able to see her granddaughters without catching any of their kid germs -- and so, his photoblog was born.

Eight-year-old Kristin and 5-year-old Kayla are a "never-ending source of ideas" when it comes to Lee's creative process, he says. Their mutual love for Justin Bieber became fodder for a Valentine's Day shoot, Kayla's playing with a drumstick at the dinner table turned into a jam session, and one time, they both just got to be a Super Mario Brother.

As for Lee's mother, she was delighted with his project and continues to follow their family life online. "I just hope that people enjoy the images as much as I enjoy taking them," Lee told The Huffington Post. "Maybe reading about their antics and stories can bring a smile to someone's face."

Liz Kozak: A Mom's Oscar Cheat Sheet

2012-02-22T20:02:10Z

When I was pregnant, the single best, most specific piece of advice I received was this:

"Go to the movies a lot now, because once you have a baby, paying a babysitter when you can rent the same thing at home in a few months isn't worth it."

I wish I'd listened.

I wish I could call up every single person who told me, "Sleep while you can!" and inform them that their advice was terrible.

I wish I had used all that nap time to go to the movies, because I miss it a whole lot.

Now the Oscars are almost here, and if you also have a new baby, then you most likely haven't seen any or most of the nominated films, either. Allow me to do my best to break down the Best Picture contenders for you... to the best of my limited ability.

War Horse:
Steven Spielberg made it, right? It must be epic/heartwarming/tragic/expensive. I am wary of horse movies and of horse folk. I really hope that my daughter isn't one of those horse-riding gals like Lindsay on The Bachelor. Now THAT'S something I DO watch!

Hugo:
What kind of a person would leave their kid at home to go see a kids' movie?

The Artist:
The first movie I tell people I would absolutely go see if I could!!! Actually, that's a lie. I did go to the movies once since the baby was born, and I chose The Muppets. So I guess I answered my own question.

Midnight in Paris:
On-Demanded at the highest recommendation of my father-in-law. So charming! So quirky! Actually, all I remember was that Rachel McAdams rocked a lot of shirtdresses, and then I fell asleep. There are now four shirtdresses in my madewell.com shopping cart that I will never buy.

Moneyball:
We rented this one too, and it lost me in the first 10 minutes. There was way more math than in Angels in the Outfield. It does have Brad Pitt, but something happened between Kalifornia and last week. Have you realized he's almost 50? How old does that make you feel? Old enough to be someone's mother! And the kid from Superbad will now instead be referred to forever as "The Oscar nominated kid from Superbad."

Tree of Life:
I do know it also has Brad Pitt. Perhaps with a crew cut. I do not know what it's about. But I bet it would make me cry.

The Help:
Here we go! We're all familiar with this one! If you're reading this column, there is a 70 percent chance that you're in a book club, and if so, there is an 98 percent chance that The Help was one of the books you read. This one was actually designed in a science lab to punch vulnerable moms in the solar plexus. I'm going to search Etsy for a cross stitch that says, "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." to hang in the nursery.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close:
I don't personally know one single person who's seen this, which makes it my cinematic equivalent of Rizzoli & Isles.

The Descendants:
I heard it's funny, but it's super sad. I guess this movie should be called "The Full Length Mirror in My Hallway," because that's what I feel when I gaze upon myself these days. Who would want to put themselves through that for two sustained hours? Someone who wants to eat Milk Duds in the dark, that's who.

Happy Oscar Weekend!
What films are you rooting for?