The Blog

Amy Shiner: A Kinky Family Reunion

2012-02-22T22:02:00Z

I have always said that I have blood family and chosen family. My blood family, which, depending on the day of the week and the moon cycle, might not be talking to me, is eclectic. My chosen family, which is made up of close friends from my kink and church communities, as well as random people I meet at the bus stop, is eclectic, but I rarely get to see it.

A few weekends ago I traveled to Providence, R.I. for a "family reunion." The winter 2012 Fetish Fair Fleamarket (also known as FFF, or simply the "Flea"), held by the New England Leather Association (NELA) every year since 1992, is what I call a perfect reunion. One weekend a year (for the past few years it has been held near Valentine's Day), 6,000 members of the kink community gather for three days of workshops and panels on different kinks, fetishes, and relationship issues. From the common "Rope 101" classes to workshops on monogamy, which many community members feel is being outnumbered by polyamorous relationships, to classes on tickling and age play, there is something for everyone.

This was my second Flea, the first one being in the winter of 2007. To sum up my experiences from the first conference, I joke that I went to the Flea and all I brought home was Eric. But really, whether you've been in the community for 25-plus years or are new to the experience, Flea is not just about the toys and workshops; it's about coming together as a strong community, a community that I support, and one that has in turn supported me through medical problems and coming-of-age issues.

At this last Flea, I had the pleasure of attending classes on different forms of communication and fetishes. The familiar snap of a whip brought my attention to the bullwhip lounge, one of the two specialty rooms that NELA offers to Flea-goers who want to practice their skills. At the same time, a class on monogamy caught my attention. Admitting to myself that I have very little knowledge of monogamy, I felt compelled to go.

All walks of life come to the Flea, though: monogamous and non-monogamous couples, polyamorous couples, "bigs" and "littles" (that is, people who take part in age play, a fetish that involves taking on a role as a younger or older being, mentality, emotionally, and in spirit), "furries," and people who focus on one or two strong areas come together to create a welcoming community. Over the three days of the Flea, I had access to five floors of vendors, organization booths, and classrooms offering different information and opportunities.

So where do I fit into the realm of things? I will admit to a few things, working my way from the most simple to the most detailed. Please feel free to skip to the next paragraph after you have read enough:

I am Amy.

I am Amy Shiner, a sex-positive blogger.

I am Amy Shiner, a sex-positive blogger and a geek.

I am Amy Shiner, a sex-positive blogger, geek, and submissive.

I am Amy Shiner, a sex-positive blogger, geek, submissive, and masochist.

Those are five statements I feel comfortable making to anyone, even those who attend the Flea. You may ask why I'm not explaining what my submission and masochism is. I do not want to give even the perception that this is only for one person or another. The community, which is made up of all sorts of people who believe either that everyone has their own identity or that they have all the answers (what we call the "twue" dominants and submissives), does not need me saying why I fit in.

Margie Omero: What Do Women Want (in a Candidate)? Don't Ask Men!

2012-02-22T21:27:50Z

The War on Women is burning on a few fronts (even including a War on Girls), with some Republicans charging up the hill and others wisely quitting and running. But a Quinnipiac Poll released today shows men more likely to think the GOP candidates understand the problems and needs of women. Women, however, know better.

When asked if the President "understands the needs and problems of women," men and women agree he does, with no gender gap (63 percent of men, 65 percent of women). But there is real disagreement about the GOP field's ability to understand women. Half of men say Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum understand women's problems (48 percent for each), but among women only about a third agree (34 percent Romney, 36 percent Santorum). And while even men feel Newt Gingrich doesn't understand women's needs and problems (48 percent does not understand), women are more sure (55 percent does not understand).

Despite all this, it's probably still a bit early to tell how voters are reacting to Santorum's recent anti-woman bender, even in the primary. In the same Quinnipiac poll, he has a slightly larger lead over Romney among Republican men. And as this New York Times blog story notes, Arizona polling shows Santorum losing ground with Republican women. Some (but not all) recent Michigan polling shows a similar gender gap opening up, with women moving away from Santorum.

It's important to remember voters are going to move a bit slower than political junkies. And women in particular may be less engaged. In the Quinnipiac poll, Republican women are more likely than men to be undecided in their primary, and overall, women are less likely than men to know enough about Santorum to have an impression (independents are even less familiar with him).

While women haven't yet enlisted in the culture war raging on cable news all day, those who have can already sense the President is almost twice as likely to understand their needs and problems. The next step is to convince men what it means to understand women's problems, and why that's important.

Monika Mitchell: Leadership: It's a Female Thing

2012-02-22T21:10:53Z

Last week, I found myself on Manhattan's West Side in an exquisitely decorated loft owned by Winds of Change philanthropist Shamaya Gilo. Sixty powerhouse women were gathered together for wine and cheese and to strategize about how to support women's leadership through cold-hard cash. The loft was filled with talented and accomplished women of wealth -- women who were personally wealthy or those who pulled the strings at some of New York's top financial institutions. Present in the room were wealth managers, venture capitalists, fixed income and equity traders, professional investors, lawyers, quants, mutual fund managers, bankers, heads of family foundations, philanthropists and market makers of all kinds and a couple of token (and sympathetic) males thrown into the mix. We had one thing in common: the drive and ambition to push more capable and accomplished women into the ring.

What is the "Ring?" It is the corporate boardroom, the C-Suite at Fortune 500 companies and top levels of financial institutions. The ring includes politics, finance, business and generally anywhere that women have been traditionally marginalized, which let's face it, is everywhere that matters aside from the home front. The question we are asking is why are women deliberately kept out of key roles in world affairs and what can we do to change that?

The New York gathering of high-powered women, organized by Criterion Ventures under the direction of the indefatigable Jackie VanderBrug, encouraged women to invest in each other. Speaking to the crowd of well-heeled power women were Nada Jain (Golden Seeds), CJ Juhasz (ISIS Fund/Women's World Banking), Jo-Ann Tan (Acumen Fund), Georgie Benardete (Multicultural Capital), Sally Boulter and Noelle St. Clair of Calvert Foundation who detailed each organization's mission to empower women. The event marked a shift in action -- we are tired of waiting for men to open the door for us. Ladies and gentlemen ... in the 21st century, we are opening the doors for ourselves.

What makes the world go around is money. The Criterion Ventures model aims to put money behind women-centric ventures and entrepreneurs. (Women investing in Women.) We have seen how money in the wrong hands, evidenced by the global economic crisis, has thrown the scales of power completely out of whack and left behind whole portions of the population on both sides of the Atlantic. Women, it may come as no surprise, have fared worse than average. The poor are getting poorer and the majority of poor in the U.S. and around the globe are women. They are the last to get hired and earn substantially less than their male counterparts.

I am not going to pretend that I don't think women should have seats of power. I am not going to play nice and say it doesn't matter. I am not going to quietly and apathetically marginalize my own gender by politely acknowledging that men are wonderful and capable of handling world affairs without us. Yes, many men are wonderful and ladies what would we do without them? But what we would do with them as co-creators of the world is the real issue.

The first and critical question is: What would men do without women? I'll start by answering that from my home turf in the U.S.

In the last twelve years since the end of the 20th century and the birth of the new, America has started two wars that have cost millions of people their lives and changed the world order permanently. We have given birth to a devastating global financial crisis that has plunged millions of innocents into starvation, joblessness and homelessness. The wars and the economic collapse have resulted in international chaos and unrest and launched movements of desperation like the 99 and 1 percent. All of these disastrous events occurred under male leadership-- without the help or input of women. Gentlemen, you have done such damage to the world we share, why you continue on that path and do not see the wisdom of incorporating women into top leadership positions is beyond logic. Yet women continue to be disenfranchised.

So enough. Enough of testosterone-fueled aggression whether it is the violence of economic greed or the guns of bloody wars. It is time for western civilization to enter the enlightened age. Women are the key to a more sustainable world in the new millennium.

Why are women the key to changing the world for the better? Because very simply: we are the life-givers, not the life-destroyers. It is in our DNA to create and nurture life, not desecrate it. Yet somehow, despite the fact that we carry, create and protect life, women are raped, murdered, mutilated, marginalized and humiliated every second of every day somewhere in our world. The issue becomes which kind of world do we want to carry forward -- one that destroys life or one that creates it? If the choice is the latter, then the inclusion of women is essential.

In my work at the United Nations over the past several years, I had the honor and privilege of knowing one of the great men in this world and a true champion of women: Ambassador Anwarul Chowdhury. As President of the Security Council in 2000, the Ambassador introduced Resolution 1325 which endorsed urgently needed economic and educational opportunities for women. The resolution was the result of his experience as a diplomatic leader in Bangladesh where women were routinely violated physically and materially. His work has greatly advanced the plight of rural women around the globe.

Yet our work in this decade necessitates more than helping women. In very direct ways, the world desperately needs women to help it. We need every bit of TLC for people and our planet we can muster. For women, this is second nature. Strength is no longer measured in an enlightened world by brute force. True courage can be seen in the stoic stamina, tolerance, patience and big-picture vision of women.

Something Ambassador Chowdhury once said stuck in my mind. He explained that at UN mediations to resolve global conflicts, the men at the table invariably wanted to know, "What's in it for me?" They would ask how the solution would affect them personally in power and privilege before giving their consent. Women, according to the Ambassador, were more concerned with what kind of world they were leaving for their children.

The stark difference in thinking jolted me and I realized this was true. Women naturally think in terms of creation and cooperation, not domination and aggression. These qualities, however, are a double-edged sword. In one way, this is precisely the reason we have been held back. In many ways, we have held ourselves back. We have not fought tough enough or hard enough to say: This is our world too; you don't have the right to destroy it for me or my children.

In this century of women, we -- the feminine gender -- and the men who see us as friend, not foe, need to pool our resources, money, votes and support and put these behind women in leadership roles. Only with the direction and input of women can we build a more sustainable world based on mutual cooperation and constructive solutions.

We are proud of the women on the world stage handling the complex chaos around them with grace, brilliance and courage: the Hillary Clintons, Christine Lagardes, Angela Merkels and Ellen Johnson Sirleafs. But they can't do it alone. They need our help -- every one of us, male and female.

Hillary Clinton said of empowering women, "It's not just the right thing to do; it's the smart thing to do." Jackie VanderBrug explains why: "Gender diversity [in companies, on corporate boards and in leadership roles] works for all of us. It allows you to see things that you would not otherwise see."

The time to step up, step out and make our voices heard is now. Not a moment should be lost, because without our help and the feminine sense of balance and wisdom we naturally bring to problem solving, the world is a sad and sorry place. Our only hope for a better future lies in the power, appreciation and inclusion of women.

Monika Mitchell is the CEO of "Good-b," New York's award-winning CSR and sustainable business news journal and the co-author of a ground-breaking new book, "Conversations with Wall Street: The Inside Story of the Financial Armageddon and How to Prevent the Next One."

BJ Gallagher: Women's Sexuality and Men's Fear

2012-02-22T21:00:42Z

Years ago, Mother Teresa was invited to attend an anti-war rally. She declined, reportedly saying something to the effect that: "Anti-war protestors are some of the most war-like people I've ever seen. I have no interest in participating in war. But, if you ever hold a pro-peace rally, let me know."

I recalled that apocryphal story last week when I received an RFP (Request For Proposals) from a large, nationally-know women's organization. The entire RFP was a rallying cry for women to get into action to combat the "Republican War on Women." I cringed and deleted the email.

Is there really a "war on women" going on? Or are we simply experiencing a never-ending barrage of fear mongering and over-the-top rhetoric being blasted from both political parties -- as well as from religious institutions, women's organizations and the media? I think it's the latter. I don't believe Republicans are waging a war on women, and neither are men.

Male-bashing doesn't get us anywhere -- we don't need to be anti-men in order to be pro-women. Republican-bashing doesn't get us anywhere either -- there are millions of good people in the Republican party who simply have genuine differences of opinion about what's best for the country. Demonizing men -- and/or demonizing Republicans -- is not helpful in finding solutions to our vexing national problems. Hating the opposite sex and/or hating the other political party only breeds more hate.

I'm with Mother Teresa: I'm not interested in speaking the language of war nor participating in war-like gatherings of women. Why do I feel this way? Let me provide some background:

About fifteen years ago, I visited a fascinating exhibit on the "History of Sex" at a prominent museum in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. On a business trip to Southeast Asia, I allowed some extra time to take in some of the local culture. The sex exhibit struck me as odd, since my impression of Muslim countries was that sexuality is severely repressed. But perhaps I had been mistaken, since I really didn't know much about Muslim cultures. This gave me more than one reason to check out "Sex" at the Malaysian museum.

When I arrived, what first caught my attention were groups of young schoolgirls touring the exhibit. Dressed in pastel-colored blouses over long skirts, with matching scarves covering their heads, the girls looked like flocks of lovely little pastel birds flitting from one part of the exhibit to another. Each group was monochromatic -- a flock in robin's egg blue outfits, another flock in flamingo pink, still another in canary yellow -- so sweet and pretty, talking quietly among themselves as they took notes. I was struck by the visual anachronism of these young, innocent girls touring a museum exhibit on sex.

The "History of Sex" was a terrific exhibit, with well-researched timelines, archeological artifacts, artistic renderings and scientific writings by archeologists, anthropologists, historians, biologist, physicians, sociologists and psychologists, as well as enriching contributions from the arts. The entire exhibit was very well curated.

And the Malaysian schoolgirls weren't the only ones who were learning a lot from the "Sex" exhibit. My own "ah-ha" came from a display that explained: "Throughout human history, men have always had a vested interest in controlling women's sexuality -- and they've found many different ways to do it." The museum display pointed to everything from mechanical devices such as metal chastity belts, to modesty clothing like burqas, hijabs and abayas, to laws proscribing what women were allowed to do, be and have. My mind boggled at the myriad ways men have exercised control over women's sexuality and reproduction throughout the entire course of human history.

Why? Why are sex and procreation so important to men? As a social scientist, I'd surmise that part of the answer can be found in biology: Much as a male lion will kill the cubs of a lioness in order to sire his own cubs with her (thus perpetuating his genes), the human male wants to sire his own children, and he's worried about unwittingly raising any offspring sired by someone else. His biological imperative is to perpetuate his own genes in the human species, not the genes of another. This instinct is hardwired into the human animal just as it is in the lion ... and many other species as well (though not all).

I'd also argue that another part of the answer can be found in sociology and psychology: One of the worst misfortunes that can befall a human male is to be cuckolded by an unfaithful mate. What men want and need most is respect -- but a man whose wife or girlfriend has sex with another man is pitied, ridiculed, disrespected and diminished in the eyes of society. Such a threat to his masculinity and self-esteem must be prevented at all costs -- making many men hyper-vigilant in protecting their women (and their self-respect) from potential rivals.

(Sidebar: I remember how my father often smiled and said, "It's always reassuring to the father when the children resemble him," when people would remark, "Your daughter looks just like her daddy.")

There are undoubtedly other factors fueling the urgent need men feel to control women's sexuality. Economics plays a part -- as providing for a family is expensive (assuming the women isn't the primary breadwinner or at least contributing). Relationships and marriage are an investment of money, time and energy. Males are understandably skittish about making such a big commitment if there is any doubt about the wisdom of his investment. Even a hint of unfaithfulness can trigger intense feelings of betrayal and the desire for financial retribution.

The Malaysian museum's "History of Sex" exhibit reminded me how complex and multi-faceted human sexuality is. We would do well to take a step back from the heated rhetoric of the "war between the sexes" and take a more thoughtful, rational, contextual look at our gender differences. Studying and understanding human sexual behavior from the point of view of ethnobiology, zoology, sociology, history, psychology, economics, anthropology, political science, theology, and the arts as well can help us understand ourselves better. In so doing, we can make progress in finding solutions to our most vexing people problems -- including gender and sex problems.

Who knows? Perhaps more thoughtful people will come to realize that no one is "waging war on women." Perhaps, as the exhbit suggest, men (well, some men) are simply acting out an instinctive biological imperative -- reinforced by thousands of years of history and tradition -- going to any lengths to control women's sexuality. The bottom line is: Men feel the need to exert control over women essentially because they're afraid.

Men and women both have a vested interest in putting a stop to the "gender war" - in America and around the world. Isn't it time to declare a cease-fire? Isn't it time we learn to live and work together in peace? Let's begin by calling a truce in the war of words.

Clay Farris Naff: Speeding Tickets For Embryos? As Personhood Bills Proliferate, Could Be

2012-02-22T21:00:10Z

Remember the "Defense of Marriage" ballot measures?

Ah, those were simpler, more innocent days. Back then, the religious right contented itself with trying to scare up backwoods voters with church-basement videos about the "Gay Rights Agenda" and gay recruiters in high schools. It all seems so Bush-league now. The dark forces of Old-Time Religion have moved on to a more sophisticated campaign.

"We need to get back to the respect for life that we used to have in this country that's been lost," Virginia pol Robert Marshall tells CNN. Respect for life, eh? Perhaps he was thinking of Virginia's 1928 anti-lynching statute, put in place nearly 50 years after white mobs began the habit of dragging black men to a public square, torturing and then hanging them. Not that the law was often enforced, but you can see how it would show a due respect for life.

In any event, Marshall is the proud sponsor of a bill that would give fetuses the same rights as "other persons" from the moment of fertilization. The implications may be mind-boggling, but the GOP-dominated House of Delegates sent it sailing through nonetheless. If the Virginia Senate follows suit, life in the Old Dominion state will never be the same.

In future elections, will pregnant women vote twice? Once for themselves and once for their embryos? And if a pregnant lady is pulled over for speeding, will the cop have to ticket junior along with mom? After all, the bill states that "unborn child at every stage of development [shall have] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this Commonwealth."

But let's not descend into silly conjecture. After all, the real implications of this bill and its companion piece mandating pre-abortion vaginal probes are outrageous enough. To enact into law the religious dogma that a person springs into life at conception is to do violence to women, medicine, science, religion and a rational civilization.

If doctors are legally bound on pain of possible murder charges to consider a fetus at any stage the equal of its mother, then a number of women will die horrible and unnecessary deaths. Pregnancy is dangerous. Our evolutionary history (rather than any alleged misdeed by Eve) has made human pregnancy the most dangerous of all. In places where modern medicine is unavailable, women have a one-in-16 chance of dying in childbirth. Doctors sure as hell don't need fanatical lawmakers tying their hands as they try to treat women with life-threatening pregnancies.

Of course, if the religious zealots were right -- if there really were two fully realized people in one body from the moment of conception -- it would be a different matter. But they are wrong. Deep down, they must know this, for they rely on selective quotations from the Bible and then hitch them to selected trimmings from science.

You've probably seen this snippet, usually with an attribution to God: ""Before I formed thee in the womb, I knew thee." It's presented as a biblical argument for personhood from conception. Just one problem: the whole quotation clearly shows that God is talking not about babies in general but about one Jeremiah, whom He has specially selected to be a prophet.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

What's more, it's not God talking directly, it's Jeremiah recalling what God supposedly told him. (Much as God supposedly told GWB to invade Iraq.) In some places in the Bible, breathing seems to be the criterion of life, and elsewhere "quickening" -- that is, the noticeable movement of the fetus in the mother's belly. It's not my purpose to rehash that whole argument here, but only to point out that pro-lifers aren't above giving Scripture the same treatment they inflict on evolutionists: distortion through selective quotation.

Now, as for science: Pro-lifers, some of them with medical degrees, will tell you science shows that a person forms at the moment a human sperm fertilizes a human egg. "As soon as he is conceived, a man is a man," testified the late Dr. Jerome Lejeune before the state Tennessee legislature. Such pronouncements are bunk, and happily you don't need a medical degree or scientific training to see it for yourself.

The claim that "life begins at conception" trades on a linguistic shell game. It is trivially true that a new and unique genome is formed at conception. A genome, however, cannot possibly be mistaken for a person. To prove this, pluck a hair from your head. You are now holding a unique genome in your hands. But, you will doubtless agree, it is not a person. Otherwise, bald men would be goners.

The switcheroo takes place when pro-lifers use "life begins at conception" to refer to a person, as in the LeJeune quotation above. To see that this is complete nonsense, just click here. You'll find yourself at National Geographic's recent feature on twins. "Identical" twins, it notes, are not really identical. And however similar they may appear, they are certainly not the same person! At the moment of conception, there is not a scrap of science that can tell whether one, two or no persons will result.

So, we're back to religion and politics. In that vein, will someone please remind Rep. Marshall and his band of pro-life, probe-happy fanatics: E pluribus unum does not mean "One dogma to rule them all and in the darkness bind them."

Megan Baldwin: 4 Things I Learned About Dating From Craigslist Missed Connections

2012-02-22T20:56:32Z

Trawling Craigslist to pass the time isn't exactly a new activity (I'm pretty sure there are some guys in prison who do it a lot better than me), but due to an acute case of ADD, I find myself bored a lot, and Craigslist is, for better or worse, where that boredom leads me. I'll admit, I probably spend a few too many hours there. Here's my defense: Unlike most of the gents out there, Craiglist has rarely done me wrong. It's guided me to my best jobs (casual female DJ, no skill required) and a pretty great recliner. And instead of online shopping or whatever passes as acceptable procrastination these days, it entertains me for hours, especially Missed Connections.

I started hanging out there casually, mostly out of self-interest -- you know, just in case this super dreamy doctor to whom I may have sent a box of $200 cookies (as a thank you, duh) realized that I was the girl he'd been waiting for (as opposed to a psycho stalker with an inability to pay hospital bills on time). Then gradually, as I read more and more posts from people worried that they had ever so briefly met, then lost, The One, I became more invested.

You see, I'm not a passive consumer; I like to get involved. When inspired, I started trying to help the authors of these anonymous admissions of lust/like/potential love. For example, if you posted on Missed Connections, you might get a message from me encouraging you to return to the scene of your biking accident and create a poster board sized thank you card (with ample hearts and glitter) and wait for the woman who helped you to your feet. I mean, she has to pass again at some point, right?

I'm so involved, in fact, that I've even been on a date with one of the more compelling MCs. And through all of this I've learned a few things about love that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have otherwise. Since you're busy ordering things from J.Crew, let me save you the trouble/potential run in with the Craigslist killer.

4 Things I Learned About Dating From Stalking Missed Connections:

1. Ride the subway more. If the MCs are any indication, you can forget the bar scene, single ladies. Your dream man is currently riding around on the subway desperately trying to find you. Personally, I find this annoying since I tend to look angry and not at all pretty when I take public transportation. But the evidence is there in black and white, so grab that greasy pole and put your fare to good use. I suggest readying yourself for a star-crossed meeting every time you hit the turnstyle. Maybe remove the do-not-engage headphones or put away your copy of "Getting Past Your Breakup." Also, according to the men of Missed Connections, it's socially acceptable, even desirable to speak to a rider you might find attractive. Like, oh sorry I'm smashed up against your leg but it seems you've got some nice muscle tone -- do you jog? Just remember to mention your name and preferred method of contact.

2. Grow a pair. I know you thought you'd perfected the art of the come hither glance. Or maybe someone along the way (probably someone jealous) advised you to wait patiently for the super-cute guy in the checkout line to turn around and ask for your number. But I have news for you, he probably won't. Even if you exchange flirtations about the choice of cheese in his basket, odds are he still won't. Why? According to guys regretting their missed connections, they are either worried about coming off as creepy, nervous that you'll throw coconut water in their faces or just not sure what to do. So beat him to the punch. I've recently had the folks at Staples create a 'love' business card with the most important facts about me -- for example: I enjoy bowls of cereal and am directionally challenged. Or you could just have one made with your name and phone number and maybe a headshot if you're photogenic. In this way, I will never let someone great or even just great looking walk on by. Yeah, it's scary. Please imagine the looks I've received when I try to hand an attractive man a card with my love information on it. But, get over it, or don't and go home to your frozen dinner and watch that new NBC musical drama. Your choice.

3. It's a numbers game, and the odds are not in your favor. I've never been a believer in those doomsday forecasts about the end of men. Yet nothing kills optimism like an hour spent on Craigslist. For every guy on Missed Connections who sounds vaguely normal, genuinely sad that he didn't speak up and interested in meeting you in a no-pepper-spray-required way, there are approximately 70 weird ones, and 29 more who would make you want to swear off men all together. Arguably, the same is true outside of online classifieds, though I'd argue that they're a tad harder to spot. So practice clicking past the wackos. Just like you wouldn't take a second glance at Mr. Toe Fetish, there's no need to entertain the one who took you on a three-person date with his cousin or kept an incriminating pair of strappy sandals under his bed. Oh and when you find a good one, hold onto him, or else it's back to the subway.

4. If all else fails, steal someone else's missed opportunity. I'm positive he didn't get that good of a look at the girl in the coffee shop, and if you wore glasses, you would probably pass. Why not? I did, and I'm still breathing. His post sounded sincere and not unlike something I would want someone to write about me, even it was meant for some lady from his yoga class. So I wrote him back -- actually, I went about it honestly. I encouraged him to go back to his class and bring her a bottle of water with his name and number on it (brilliant, I thought , but he ruled it 'middle school.') We ended up exchanging a few emails, hitting it off, and when we'd both decided that neither one of us was a sexual predator, we arranged a meeting (in a well lit public location). Yeah, it was totally random and a few friends offered the obvious, caring response: You're honestly going on a date with someone who posted a Missed Connection that wasn't even about you on Craigslist? WTF. But I'm a believer in embracing the unexpected. Where is the fun in arriving at your first date better informed about the person sitting across from you than they are? People will always surprise you if you let them, but we get so used to our own routines, circles, and news feeds that there's no room to go drink bourbon laced milkshakes with a seriously genuine and perfectly nice yoga enthusiast. So yeah, do something weird. You don't know what you're missing.

Cynthia Kounaris: Contraception -- It's 2012 and Men Still Decide?

2012-02-22T20:54:40Z

The House panel on women's health issues that had not one woman on it got a lot of well-deserved attention in conversations and in media the past few days. The main reason why this so universally resonated was because it defied logic. Even if, for some reason, it seems okay to you that only men should discuss women's health and reproductive issues, did no one have enough sense to say "Well, personally, I think this is perfectly logical, but maybe it won't look so great.". Obviously not.

But this whole topic and the ensuing conversations sparked a lot of "where's the logic?" questions for me.

In this day and age, why would it be okay to have ANY panel on ANY topic that included only men? Note that I am not saying that a panel on women's issues should have only women on it. There are probably men who could provide knowledge and insight on that topic, as on any topic. But why would there be a panel of only men -- on women's issues or religious issues or any issue? Where is the logic in that?

Women outnumber men in the U.S. Women college graduates outnumber male college graduates. More women than men voted in 2008. Where we don't outnumber men is in the Congress, in C-level jobs and on Fortune 500 boards.

And as for contraception, while I support a woman's right to choose, I don't view (nor should we view) contraception as JUST a woman's issue. Yes, women are the ones who have to bear the physical burden of pregnancy -- and, all too often, the financial and emotional burden of pregnancy and raising the child, if the father does not step up and share those responsibilities. But wouldn't fathers want their teenage sons to use contraception? Wouldn't fathers want their daughters to use contraception?

And contraception is a family issue. Don't husbands support the use of contraceptives to plan their families? Do men want every sexual encounter to end in a pregnancy -- their own or those of their daughters, their sons, their wives... or their mistresses? That seems very illogical to me. So, I have to draw the conclusion that there are many, many men who are for contraception. It is not just women who need to take care to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

It's fascinating to me how contraception or abstinence still seems to be seen as a female responsibility. Apparently, we have to "hold an aspirin between our knees" (don't get me started on that!) to avoid all the penises that are wildly flying around in our direction, looking for entry. Men have no responsibility to practice safe sex? To abstain? They are incapable of controlling themselves? That seems like antiquated and false logic.

So is the opposing argument that the only way to avoid unwanted pregnancies is abstinence? Does that mean that men would be happy to not have sex with their wives in order to not have more children than they want, can handle or can afford? That seems unlikely. And not to bring up the mistresses again, but given politicians' sex lives, are we saying they would be happy to have their mistresses get pregnant? THAT defies logic.

A Congresswoman whose name I didn't catch mentioned vasectomies. Excellent point! Are not vasectomies a form of contraception? And don't insurance companies cover that? Where is all the uproar from churches on that topic? So male contraception procedures are good and can be paid for but female contraceptive methods are bad and cannot be paid for? That's okay? Fair? Where's the logic??

Another logic problem. If they want to legislate against contraception and against a woman's right to choose and they don't want government dollars allocated to help support unwanted children or to help single mothers, what is happening to those children who are the result of unwanted pregnancies?

Or is it that they unrealistically expect everyone to practice abstinence? To underscore how unrealistic that is, we only have to look at the philanderers in Congress or, on the other end of the spectrum, Bristol Palin. I have nothing against Bristol Palin. She seems like a nice young woman and a good mother. But if Bristol, an educated girl living in a loving and religious two-parent home and in a family that is in the public eye -- if she cannot be abstinent, how would the far right expect more from any other girl (or guy!)?

Where's the logic?

Rebecca Shambaugh: 5 Ways To Boost Your Political Savvy and Social Intelligence At Work

2012-02-22T20:41:04Z

Being politically savvy and socially intelligent is paramount for leadership, however it's one of the most mysterious traits that is not defined in your company's employee handbook. These traits not only advance you in your career but also help you to gain the respect and cooperation you need to get things done across the organization. But how do you become politically savvy and socially intelligent -- that is, how do you get to these important destinations, especially when the road to the top in business is always under construction?

Janet was on her way when she hit a bump in the road. She and her fellow leadership team had spent months doing extensive research on a new and innovative product line for her business unit. She was responsible for setting the agenda and presenting their proposal at an important executive meeting, but before Janet had a chance to present, she was barraged with questions. Then the group, which had its own agenda, took the meeting in another direction, using an idea that had been thrown on the table. To make matters worse, instead of maintaining control, Janet shifted from leader to participant as she personalized the situation, becoming quiet and showing her frustration. Sound familiar?

Now, let's take a look at what went wrong. Why had Janet veered off course?

Janet fell short in having the right presence. She should have taken back control of the agenda. Her proposal was the basis for the majority of the meeting.
Janet had not looked around the table and read the faces of the key players, not considered what direction they wanted to go, hence ideas clashed and crashed. Okay, accidents happen, but stuck in this meeting mutiny, Janet should have stopped the conversations, asked these stakeholders what they saw as viable in her agenda, and moved on from there.
Janet was an authority in her department and had a network of mostly women colleagues but wasn't a part of the informal networks of the key stakeholders. Hence, she didn't have the social intelligence in terms of the organization as a whole. Consequently she was not tuned in and prepared for an important meeting with key stakeholders. She later learned that some of the key players had been talking for weeks regarding different products, customer opportunities, and so on and by doing so had informally set the meeting agenda.
Janet's frustration let everyone know she had lost control, which might have been a contributing factor of why they steered clear of her.

Leadership is all about getting people to cooperate with you, socializing your ideas and building bridges to meet others halfway.

There are five key facets for building your social awareness and becoming politically savvy. Here's a winning roadmap:

Situational Awareness: Read people's emotional states, willingness to interact, and possible intentions and goals. Know who has influence and pull, that is, who do people respect, who has credibility and clout, who has visibility, who is valued, and, finally, who's in a position of strength to help sell your ideas. Know the views of these key players and how you might be able to help resolve their problems with whatever it is you're trying to sell. Develop a social aptitude: Network with key stakeholders. Find out about their needs, concerns, and goals. Pre-contract with them -- women tend to feel this is manipulative; it's not. Rather, it's inclusive.

Presence: Having presence is a way of carrying yourself -- sending signals that you are an authority. Women have a tendency to be helpful and polite to the point of not stating their opinions or defending themselves as an authority. Rather, to have presence, know and state your opinions firmly, backing them with strong rationale. Don't personalize: See business as business. Feelings don't count. Organizational goals do.

Authenticity: Being authentic is being honest, open, trustworthy, and with good intentions. It is here that women tend to get derailed by playing their cards too soon, thinking everyone is authentic. Rather, you can be authentic, but you'll also be in a position of strength if you hear others out first and then, based on their concerns, advocate your views. Step back, read the environment, ask people questions, see where they sit on the issue, and then build your case, advocate your views, or state your recommendations.

Empathy/connectedness: Being attentive to others and adapting your language to your audience, seeing others' points of view, making your point by asking insightful questions, giving the big picture, avoiding irrelevant details, listening attentively, and giving others credit strengthens your position.

Clarity: Having clarity is being decisive in the way you say things and getting to your point rather than letting others direct you. It's the ability to explain your views in a way that makes others want to join your proposed course of action. You can do this by owning your message and using active voice followed by a strong rationale in a confident statement ("I think we should do this for the following reasons..."). Rather, women tend to talk about how they feel or get bogged down in a checklist of details.

The road to success is paved with political savvy and social intelligence. Following this map will lead you up the corporate ladder.

Rebecca Shambaugh is an author, international speaker and President and CEO of Shambaugh Leadership, a leadership and organizational development consulting firm headquartered in McLean, Virginia. Ms. Shambaugh also founded the WILL program, one of the first programs in the nation focused on the advancement of woman leaders. For more information, visit www.shambaughleadership.com

To receive helpful coaching and advise on this topic or any of the Sticky Floors, contact Rebecca Shambaugh at rshambaugh@shambaughleadership.com

Patricia Yarberry Allen: Estrogen and Cognitive Function: Ask Dr. Pat

2012-02-22T20:24:00Z

I recently got a letter from a reader asking whether a hysterectomy was the only way to eliminate complications she was experiencing as a result of hormone therapy. As readers of my Ask Dr. Pat columns know, I am often asked these types of questions.

Dear Dr. Pat:

I am 48 years old. I had infrequent periods a year ago, along with hot flashes and sweating, but, even worse, I had a kind of brain fog. I am a scientist and could not tolerate my own lack of clear thinking and my inability to get the big picture while integrating all the details -- this has always been so important in my work.

I saw a neurologist and had a brain scan and checked for all the usual causes of cognitive impairment; thankfully, nothing was found. I thought, "This is the beginning of dementia." I cut out alcohol, began a B12 supplement and increased my daily exercise. Nothing seemed to help. Then, six months ago, my gynecologist suggested that I start hormone therapy. Believe me, I was ready. She gave me a patch with both estrogen and progestin in it, explaining that the levels of hormones would be stable and absorbed through the skin. Within two weeks, I was my old self again.

Two months later, I began to have vaginal bleeding in an unpredictable way and I developed breast tenderness and enlargement. After a month of heavier bleeding I went back to the gynecologist. She did an ultrasound of the uterus; it showed that the lining of the uterus was quite thick. She did a biopsy of this tissue in the office, and it showed no evidence of either cancer or a precursor to cancer. She then told me that if I wanted to stay on systemic hormone therapy, I needed to have a hysterectomy, since the thickening of the lining of the uterus after such a short time of hormone use was a bad sign.

What should I do? Right now I cannot function without hormone therapy.

Phyllis

Dear Phyllis:

I am certain that it will be heartening to readers to understand that even scientists have trouble making decisions about their health, especially when the choices presented to them are difficult.

You have had a common reaction to systemic hormone therapy treatment when it is given to women who are still producing unpredictable amounts of their own ovarian hormones. At this stage, women want to have either predictable light vaginal bleeding on hormone therapy or no bleeding at all. Constant, and occasionally heavy, bleeding is both unacceptable to the patient and of concern to the gynecologist. However, there are some important points to be made in both the choice of your initial treatment and the current recommendation by your gynecologist that at 48 you have a hysterectomy with only a diagnosis of "heavy bleeding probably caused by too much hormone therapy" and a thickening of the uterine tissue.

Though there has been no loss of bleeding for one year during the time of hormonal change, women who need hormone therapy for significant quality-of-life issues often experience abnormal bleeding.

There are steps to take that may decrease the abnormal bleeding in this group.

First step: Take the smallest dose of estrogen. Prior to treatment there should be a measurement of the endometrium (uterine lining). Treatment should begin with the smallest dose of estrogen, given as a patch, as well as the "standard" dose of progesterone -- 100mg -- given by mouth. Most patients find that the lowest dose (0.14mcg) or the next increase in dose (0.025mcg) of estradiol in the patch will control the symptoms well enough for this symptomatic period of the menopausal transition. The goal is to function with the lowest dose possible.

In your case, however, you were given more than twice as much estradiol in that patch. And your own ovaries were most likely episodically producing an estrogen surge, creating both the breast enlargement and the breast pain, along with the constant and heavy vaginal bleeding that began two months after the initiation of hormone therapy.

Second step: Stop hormone therapy temporarily and get a second opinion. You should stop hormone therapy, then get a second opinion and ask for a D&C and hysteroscopy.

Most gynecologists have been well trained to perform this ambulatory surgical procedure. Hysteroscopy is a trans-vaginal procedure in which the hysteroscope, a small telescope, is inserted into the uterine cavity through the cervical opening. It allows the surgeon to visualize the entire cavity and surgically remove any growth that is there. The procedure is then followed by a gentle and thorough scraping of the endometrial tissue from the uterine cavity. The procedure is diagnostic and often therapeutic also. In other words, there will be clarity about the reasons for the abnormal bleeding, and the removal of the excess endometrial tissue should allow the resumption of systemic hormone therapy at a lower dose without unusual vaginal bleeding.

Third step: If appropriate, resume hormone therapy. If the hysteroscopy and the D&C reveal no abnormal tissue, then you may choose to resume systemic hormone therapy at the lowest possible dose.

Fourth step: Add a short-term higher dose of progesterone. Since you may still be in the phase where there is episodic estrogen production by your own ovaries, adding a short-term higher dose of natural progesterone will prevent the impact of too much estrogen on the uterine lining. If this dose of estrogen allows you to function well enough, do not increase the dose.

Fifth step: Repeat the ultrasound. In six months, repeat the ultrasound measurement of the endometrium. If this is normal, discuss lowering the dose of progesterone or taking the progesterone for only two weeks each month. Progesterone is the part of the hormone therapy that seems to be associated with an increase in breast cancer risk, so it will be important to create a treatment plan where there is less progesterone when the abnormal bleeding is no longer an issue.

Loss of cognitive function as a primary complaint of the menopausal transition is not as frequent as temperature disturbance, insomnia and fatigue; however it is both disabling and frightening to the patient. I am glad you saw a neurologist for an evaluation of all of the other causes of this serious symptom.

As a scientist, you undoubtedly know that we don't have the answers yet about the long-term impact of systemic hormone therapy on the cause of dementia. However, we do have some of the questions:

Does long-term hormone therapy increase the risk of dementia?
Do women who do not use hormone therapy have a greater risk of dementia?
Does the timing of the onset of systemic hormone therapy make a difference in the lifelong risk for dementia?
Is there a treatment protocol for the use of estrogen and progesterone that could improve lifelong cognitive functioning?

Right now, we have increasing rat-brain data and observational data from women followed for decades, but no definitive answers to these important questions. It is unfortunate that women who need relief of menopausal symptoms have to add long-term cognitive function to their list of concerns if they need treatment. Thankfully, the good news is that brain function and hormone therapy are now an area of increasing investigation.

For more by Patricia Yarberry Allen, click here.

For more on women's health, click here.

For more on personal health, click here.

Soraya Chemaly: 10 Things You Can Do To Stop Street Harassment

2012-02-22T20:20:16Z

March 18-24 is International Anti-Street Harassment Week and it should be taken seriously as a matter of equality, access to public space and civil rights. "Meet Us On The Street" is the rallying call for International Anti-Street Harassment Week, a movement started by the organization Stop Street Harassment. Last year, marches took place in Cairo, Kabul, Washington, Philadelphia, Delhi and other cities around the world.

"Harassment restricts girls' and women's access to public places," explains Holly Kearl, author of "Stop Street Harassment" and founder of the week long project. "This is not what we want for the next generation of girls. This is a time for people to raise awareness about the issue and create community-based solutions to make public places safer for everyone."

What do you think street harassment is about? Sex? Benign flattery? Attraction? Women who can't just suck it up and deal?

It's power. Catcalls, sexist comments, public masturbation, groping, stalking and assault: gender-based street harassment makes public places unfriendly, frightening and dangerous for many girls, women, and LGBQT people.

It's power to control public spaces. Power to alter paths. Power to shame, scare and intimidate. Power to define what is safe and what is not. It's the power to say: "I'm entitled to touch you, comment on your body, coerce you to smile, control your movement." Even when women perceive catcalls as flattering, they are nonetheless aware that it's an unpredictable degree away from possible harm.

Regardless of race, class, ethnicity, education, age and especially, clothes, women experience varying degrees of street harassment. More than 90 percent of girls and women surveyed internationally report being harassed. This is yet another "women's issue" that is in reality a men's problem. Women are not harassing men on streets around the world. At the very least, given the universality of women's experiences, it should be thought of as a public health issue. This does not mean all men are harassers. But, most are quiet bystanders who are unaware of the ubiquity of the experience for women and the ways in which women learn to adapt and change our behavior in public every day. Most women just consider it the price of being female, some women fight back verbally or physically. Organizations like Stop Street Harassment and Hollaback, which created crowd-sourced, mobile technology applications for documenting and locating harassers, are finding creative ways to confront the problem.

Street harassment includes verbal and physical assault by a full spectrum of men whose primary filter for understanding women is to sexualize them. It can come from everyone from religious conservatives to sexually aggressive street thugs who "man-handle" them. It's all gender-bullying.

"Just as they got close to us, one of them grabbed me by the arm and put his hand on my chest and felt and grabbed me then released me seconds later and continued walking as if nothing happened. My cousin was right next to me, but neither of us could speak a word, I couldn't bring myself to shout, I was so scared." - Lebanon

"I went to the gym today and on my way there some guy said, 'Nice hat,' as I'm accustomed to hearing, but then he scares me a little when he leans into the door and opens it as I attempt to get to the gym, then says next to my ear, 'Take care of yourself baby.'" - New York

"I experienced four incidents on a Saturday evening in the space of ten minutes while walking down a relatively isolated street (for pedestrians) but it was fairly busy with lots of cars on the streets ... being called a 'slut' had already riled me so much that I reacted badly to the other minor 'call outs.' I wish there was something I could do to against these 'drive by' harassers." - Sydney, Australia

"The only time I go out is when I am with my partner and sometimes I still get kisses blown at me, and stares." - Livorno, Italy

Maybe you think all these women are wilting violet types, like last December's 8-year old second grade Israeli girl who, on her way to school, was followed by a group of self-righteous, arrogant, adult men who felt entitled enough to spit on her and call her a whore.

Or, maybe women wearing pants and skirts on their way to work in Malawi who were stripped naked and beaten up by men on the street. "Attacking women in trousers is an outrage. We are a democracy, they're taking us back to the dark ages." said Seodi White, a rights activist and protest organizer.

Or, women in Tahir square who were surrounded by dozens of men, freely grabbing them in public. "We looked around to find that we were the only women and were starting to get groped by the crowd," said one woman. "I felt as a woman that everything, my dignity, was being taken away from me." This behavior is, of course, firmly part of a spectrum of entitlement to women's bodies that resulted in the horrific rape of reporter Lara Logan.

As you can tell, the list of possible examples is endless.

Not only does harassment limit women's movement in public, but it acculturates girls and women to be fearful of men, because they can never be sure which men will act in frightening ways. It also causes girls to be more preoccupied with appearance and heightens feelings of body-shame. Common blame-the-victim attitudes magnify harm.

In India, where most women (that would be 98 percent reporting) deal with taunts and groping on a daily basis, street harassment is endemic and debilitating. It's called Eve teasing or Eve baiting -- patronizing and trivializing nicknames in either case. Last year, men and women started riding segregated trains so that women could get to work without fear. The Gender and Space project stages public interventions. In Egypt, another country where harassment is extensive (83% of Egyptian women, 98% of foreign women experience it) and, of course, where reporter Lara Logan was repeatedly publically raped, women are using Harassmap, a mobile technology that tracks the location of sexual harassment events.

Without a doubt, this post will get comments along the lines of "this is not a problem for 'our' women." But, this problem is not limited. Not limited to poor women. Not limited to scantily clad women. Not limited to Asia, Africa and South America. Women in the US, Canada, Australia and Europe are by no means immune and report similarly high rates of harassment. And, yes, I know that when women are complimented on the street, in peaceful, flattering ways; it's nice to feel attractive. But it's important to remember where that interaction falls in the broader picture of how women's bodies are seen as public property for anyone to comment on. I, for one, would give up every flattering and benign comment and "cat" call that has been sent my way to eliminate even one of the hatefully crass and jarringly violent ones. I know that for every "Hey, beautiful," directed at my daughters now, there's a more malevolent comment lingering around the corner. So not worth it.

Meet Us On The Street takes place March 18-24. Here are 10 ways you can get involved:

Start a Meet Us On The Street program in your neighborhood - anywhere around the world. The Meet Us On The Street Tools resource is full of fliers, handouts, signs and more in multiple languages. Print, post, share.
Educate yourself about why street harassment is important and why it shouldn't be ignored. Stop Street Harassment has an excellent resource center. The site also provides an extensive list of a network of more than one hundred international organizations fighting street harassment.
Use technology, like iHollaback's mobile apps, or Harassmap and others like it, to document, identify and map harassers.
Talk about street harassment openly with friends, family, coworkers, classmates, children and neighbors. Share your stories with them. Think about what a safe community would look and share that vision with them. Men in particular are often surprised to learn the ways in which their mothers, sisters, aunts, wives, girlfriends and daughters adapt to this problem.
Raise awareness online through social media.
Explore the issue of street harassment in an entertaining, compelling ways to generate discussions about street harassment and public safety.
Figure out what is going on in your community. Conduct a survey, community safety audit, or create a mapping project to document where street harassment occurs.
Talk to your sons and daughters. Here is a list of six simple things you can do to educated boys, girls and communities of teachers, coaches, mentors and others about street harassment.
Educate and engage your community. Hold an awareness-raising event, march, or create street team activism (including organizing people to hand out fliers). Show a relevant documentary or hold a speak-out at the event to generate awareness and a discussion.
Last, but definitely not least, be a MALE ALLY. Bystander intervention my men is very important and creates safer, civil environments. Organizations like Men Can Stop Rape are dedicated to using men's strength to create cultures free from violence and coercion of women.

Women & Co: 3 Steps to Take When Asking for a Raise

2012-02-22T20:00:22Z

By Linda Descano, CFA®, President & CEO, Women & Co.

Fact: Women who do not consistently negotiate their salary increases may earn up to $1 million less during their careers compared to women who do negotiate. That's according to Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, authors of "Women Don't Ask."

The problem is that many women simply don't ask ... for the assignment, the promotion or the raise.

If you're not willing to leave your hard-earned dollars on the table -- and of course you're not -- here are a few suggestions for making your case.

1) Research. First, learn where you are situated in the compensation structure of your company. Some large companies and most government and unionized workplaces publicize salary ranges. If such information is not available, ask your manager what the range is for your position, if there is upside potential and/or if you would need to be promoted to increase your salary.

Next, get a general idea of what the market pays for your job. Salary information is available on various websites, as well as through executive recruiters and professional associations. Consider whether there are good reasons why the salaries quotes differ from yours, such as non-salary benefits or corporate culture.

Finally, check with your manager, human resources department and on your company's internal website to find out what types of compensation your company offers in addition to salary, including performance bonuses, stock options, restricted stock and benefits. Ask about your company's compensation policies. For instance, your boss may have discretion to give bonuses, but no power to offer more vacation time. You're more likely to meet with success if you ask for compensation that fits within your company's existing practices and policies.

2) Perform a self-assessment. To get an above-average raise or starting salary, you need to be an above-average performer. Be honest with yourself. Ask a co-worker to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. But if you do ask, be open to his or her feedback.

Be sure to document your accomplishments in terms that justify a raise or higher starting salary. If you've exceeded targets, state how much additional money you've made for the company. If you've taken on responsibilities that belong to a higher-level job, point out your extra service. If you have implemented company policies that have helped to cut costs, describe and quantify the savings realized.

3) Ask for it. Know how much more you want to earn and in what form, generally salary, bonus or equity. Also, think about what you would like if you can't be paid more, such as additional training, flex time or a company car.

Be sure to choose the right time to approach your boss. This is likely to be before your annual performance review. (Find out if your company separates salary and performance reviews.) Often, by the time your review rolls around, your boss has already determined your raise. If your company doesn't have a formal review process or it's too far away, you can sit down with your boss after the successful completion of a project.

Finally, if your request is denied, don't give up. Find out why and set a date to review your situation again.

About the Author:
Linda is President and CEO of Women & Co., a service of Citi that brings women relevant financial content and thoughtful commentary to get them thinking and talking about money. Prior to joining Women & Co. in 2003, she served as a Director and Portfolio Manager with the Citi Private Portfolio Group from 1999 to 2002 and Senior Vice President and Director of Environmental Affairs for the Citi predecessor company, Salomon Inc. which she joined in 1994. She received a 2011 Luminary Award from Womensphere® and the Urban Zen Foundation for the work she does in actively changing the lives of women and was the New York recipient of the 2009 Corporate w2wlink Ascendancy Award.

Mel Miskimen: I'm Changing My Underpants and the Economy

2012-02-22T19:49:33Z

I need new underpants -- and yes, I prefer to call them underpants, not panties.

Sure, I could trudge off to the mall and get a replacement package of three, comfort waist, no-roll, full cut briefs, made in El Salvador or Honduras, but... I can't. Not after President Obama's visit to my hometown, Milwaukee, last week, touting all things insourced: "We need an economy that's built to last -- an economy based on American manufacturing, American-made energy, skills for American workers, and a renewal of the values that made this country great: Hard work. Fair play. Shared responsibility," he said.

See what I mean? It was my patriotic duty to replace my past-their-prime, made in Costa Rica Jockeys with something home sewn and possibly grown, and it felt so right.

I went online, typed, women's underwear made in USA, and up popped a plethora of websites with clever names like stillmadeinusa.com, madeinusaforever.com or americasworking.com -- listings of companies that make things I might be interested in the future -- outerwear, shoes, t-shirts, socks and fire retardant clothing.

Where were the underpants? Oh, sure there were boxers and briefs for men, loungewear, active wear, other kinds of clothing for women, but underpants? Tough to find. I know all about American Apparel, and I gave them a look, but couldn't get past the photos of scantily clad young things in thongs. At this stage in my life, I need more yardage and less pout.

After hours of scrolling and clicking, I hit on uwearusa.com and purchased a three pairs of white, cotton briefs for $7 a pair, only because they were phasing out their women's underwear section, which sucked. In a few months, when it was time for me to restock, I'd have to shell out a tad more money, but, it's all good, right? I mean, if it means keeping someone's job here? I could see paying $15, maybe $20 but, uh, $25 for one pair, when I was used to getting 3 pair for $12, maybe $8 on sale?

Let's face it. I was spoiled. I had become lazy. Think of it, which is what I don't do when I waltz through Kohl's to pick up a couple packages of multicolored briefs because I have a coupon or they are having a sale. But, now? I do think about it. What about organic cotton? Could that be an option? Would I feel that much better sitting in a pair of underpants that had not caused any undue stress to Mother Earth? At $42 a pair, I would be the one who was feeling the stress.

What about buying underpants that were imported, made in India, but were from a co-op, owned by local women, who benefited from each sale? Wouldn't that do as much good as a pair that may have been made here, but from cotton imported from God-knows-where, picked by tiny children? Why did this have to be so hard? Kind of makes me shudder at my next task: Bras.

Underpants are only a start. I plan on slowly replacing all my clothing with stuff made here. When I went through my closet and checked all the labels on my shirts, dresses, skirts, looked in my shoes, boots, I was embarrassed. A few sweaters, one dress, two pair of socks were all I had that were made in America. If only I had been to all the places that my clothes had been manufactured in, I would be a lot more worldly.

My made-in-USA items should be arriving in a week. I hope they fit. I hope they're comfortable. I hope that when I wear my insourced-maybe-not-organic-cotton underpants, I will stand a little taller, walk a little prouder, in, and think of the person whose job I just might have saved. Change has come to my closet. I'm saving the economy one pair of underpants at a time. Hopefully I won't become frustrated, give up and throw in the made-in-Guatemala towel.

Rion Sabean: 'Men-Ups': How I Got The Idea For My Gender-Bending Photo Series (PHOTOS)

2012-02-22T19:26:00Z

At the beginning "Men-Ups" was a very vague idea I had that I wanted to be, at its core, the mixing of gender stereotypes, which, at that point, was something I hadn't made a stab at but really wanted to attempt. One day it just struck me that I would use the simple poses of classic pin-up imagery, which are very culturally recognizable, especially in terms of their immediate association with the guise of femininity, but pair them with males who were dressed masculinely or playing the part of the recognizably masculine.

From there I began to construct "characters" for each image, all of which included poses that I knew I wanted the models to try. My main goal for the series was to suggest to the viewer something familiar, but with a twist that could both allure and confound. Through the draw of the photographs and the jarring nature of the unfamiliar, I hope to have the viewer question their responses and why they feel the reaction that they do, and to associate those feelings with an understanding of societal brainwashing. Mainly, I want my audience to ask two things: why is it considered sexy for a woman to pose in such ways, and why isn't it sexy for a man to do the same?

Gender isn't naturally born as society implies. It isn't black-and-white. It isn't feminine-vs.-masculine. Humans can't be so rigidly defined, because those definitions are built on baseless, antiquated implications. I believe that thinking and asking questions (whether they can be fully answered or not) builds a freer, open-minded approach to life that can only allow for an unadulterated understanding to the complexity of human beings.

For more from Rion Sabean, visit his website.

PHOTOS:

Amy Schrier: Has a Woman Ever Created a Billion-Dollar Company?

2012-02-22T18:50:14Z

As any entrepreneur knows all too well, nothing can begin until the money is raised. Who to look to? Well, first I start with those that inspire me. Part of the process, the fun part, is thinking about who are the people who have done what I would like to do? So, lately I have been putting together that list. Those are the people I generally want to ask first for money.

The company I am launching, MISSION.tv, is a digital platform about making a difference in the world. We will produce and curate premium content -- video, articles, photos -- and create a social community. We will offer the most comprehensive, independent database of volunteer travel opportunities on the Internet, and perhaps of widest interest, we will connect visitors with nonprofit causes so they can, through activism and philanthropy, literally help change the world.

I have worked on the numbers diligently, carefully, thoroughly. I know them like the back of my hand. We have an ambitious but realistic model. We are seeking to raise an angel round now, and plan to generate many millions by the fifth year. This is what we wrote and plan to execute, but the plan doesn't stop there. When we succeed in meeting our numbers, there will be ways we to expand upon the brand, increase the revenues, grow into the global market of the Internet. I mean... who doesn't want to make a difference in the world?

So, I put a list together of some of the greatest companies of all time and the entrepreneurs who founded them. Then I Googled them to learn their annual revenue size. The first thing I noticed on the list was there were no women. The list by the way, was Apple/Steve Jobs, $65 billion, Microsoft/Bill Gates $60 billion, Amazon/Jeff Bezos $34 billion, Google/Larry Page + Sergey Brin $29 billion, Ebay/Pierre Omidyar $9 billion, AOL/Steve Case $2 billion, Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg $2 billion.

I began to wonder, were there simply no women who had billion-dollar ideas? I went to Inc. magazine's list of top 10 women entrepreneurs. None had I ever heard of. All companies were under $100 million, and 60% were under $20 million.

Buddhism teaches you never to get angry or upset about anything, just to observe it and note the information. So, that's what I did. There must be some purpose for me noting this. I typed right into the Google search bar: Has a woman ever started a billion-dollar company? And the 2nd response on the list was: in bright fuchsia... Miss Dallas 2011 Princess... The Miss Dallas Scholarship Organization, a local division of Miss America. Can you believe that? It's true.

I emailed my MBA friends... Has woman ever started a billion-dollar company? No one seemed to know for sure. The replies were slow, awkward and uncertain.

Of course we all know women have had billion-dollar ideas. But it is challenging to go from billion-dollar idea up the long and arduous path of venture capitalist acceptance than ends in billion-dollar company. And not one woman has made it yet. It might be helpful if there was affirmative action for investments. Imagine if fifty cents out of every VC dollar went to a woman-founded company. What a different world we would live in ten years from now. I think I would like it better.

Robert Levithan: Why We Lie About Our Age

2012-02-22T17:09:00Z

"If people knew my real age, I'd never work again." I have heard this plaint more than once. The last time was the day before yesterday, when talking about age with a vivacious, successful Brazilian friend. She doesn't dare tell the truth about her age.

Why do most people lie about their age? Because they think they have to. Our culture at large -- and our gay male culture, specifically -- embody ageism. Young is good. Older is less good.

On Facebook few people put their year of birth. For online dating sites, not to mention hookup sites, there is such pressure to lie that those of us who tell the truth are odd men out. When I post my age as 60, men think I'm somewhere between 64 and 75. Again, why do we lie about our age?

Ageism, yes. Internalized ageism, as well. Internalized prejudice is when we operate out of a learned prejudice about something we are: I have been exploring my own internalized homophobia, anti-Semitism, and AIDS-phobia, however subtle or overt, for years. I lead workshops where we have looked at our internalized prejudice, such as racism, classism, and genderism.

How do we know when we are operating from internalized prejudice? When we try to "pass" without cause. When we are living in the belief that what we are is less than what other people are; when we have bought into other people's prejudices (which do exist) and perceive danger even when it doesn't exist.

There are situations where honesty about my sexual orientation, my HIV status, or my religious heritage could get me killed. I would lie or hide if my life were at stake. However, often I observe "passing" behavior when there is no danger. Most of us will not suffer harm if we are honest about our sexuality or our age. We do, however, suffer psychically, from constant denial of the truth about who or what we.

In the workshops there is one internalized prejudice that absolutely everyone relates to: internalized ageism. When asked, all perceived the statement "You look younger than your age" as a compliment. We are passing. At 90 my father would be insulted if someone didn't say he looked at least 15 years younger. Recently, I dated a man I met online. His profile said 38. I didn't doubt it. In conversation, it came up that he is actually 47. I asked him why he lied. "Because I look 38," he said. He didn't like it when I suggested that he is perpetuating distorted behaviors around age. To paraphrase Gloria Steinem, "this is what 47 looks like."

We are complicit if we continue to play this game. I received a comment that an online photo of mine looked like it had been "royally airbrushed." This is not true. And it reflects a too-oft-accepted idea of what a 59-year-old man looks like. Age is how long we have been in this body -- it is not our vitality, and it is not our beauty.

My friend David heard I was writing about why people lie about their age; in his best Olympia-Dukakis-in-Moonstruck voice, he quipped, "Because they are afraid of death." My response is that we are afraid of perceived social death. We act as if we might die, but we don't.

Telling the truth about our age could be neutral. The more of us who do it, the more of a norm it will become.