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Leaders Reassure Public in Wake of Santa Barbara Shooting: We Will Continue to Do Nothing About Guns

05/29/2014 01:08 pm ET | Updated Jul 28, 2014
  • Floyd Elliot Writer-person, abuser of parenthetical expressions.

In an attempt to calm fears after the senseless shooting carried out by psychopathic misogynist shitbag Elliot Rodgers in Santa Barbara this past weekend, legislators are racing to assure the American public that they will not initiate even the tiniest move toward making the American public safer.

"We Americans want to die in a hail of gunfire," declared House Speaker and Ooompa-Loompa-American John Boehner. "As long as there is breath in my body -- which is to say, as long as no one shoots up Congress or a mall I happen to be shopping at -- we will not interfere with the American people's right to have their lives tragically cut short by a crazed gunman."

After this statement, National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre reattached a leash to Boehner's collar and took him for a nice walk.

President Obama pledged to continue to push for common-sense gun-safety legislation such as background checks to prevent criminals and the mentally-imbalanced from purchasing guns while simultaneously accomplishing absolutely nothing along those lines. "Hey, listen," said the leader of the most powerful country on earth of a measure favored by 93% of the American people, "I can't make people do what they don't want to do, but I'll say I'm in favor of background checks 24/7, and I plan to do just that, and nothing more. Also, to be clear, by 'people' I mean Congress, so, okay, that's not strictly accurate." Fox News condemned this declaration as "socialist" and "a blatant and unwarranted expansion of presidential power".

LaPierre issued a statement on behalf of the NRA condemning the idea of any action to limit the right of any individual to own any armament up to and including an intercontinental ballistic missile because freedom! "The Founding Fathers clearly intended that all Americans -- black or white, man or woman, chunky or creamy, sane or crazy -- have the right to bear arms; we don't care how the bears feel about it. And remember: the only way to stop a bad loonie with a gun is a good loony with a gun. Jesus died for the right to own guns -- and he wasn't shot, either. Should we require background checks for crosses and nails?" LaPierre's words, lovingly transcribed by a group of Southern governors costumed as AK-47s, as if by magic then became part of several Supreme Court decisions written by Antonin Scalia, as well as the comments section of every pro-gun-control article on the Internet, after the addition of inappropriate "lol"s and unnecessary exclamation points.

"Open-carry" proponents, who often brazenly carry automatic weapons into crowded public spaces to allay the public's fear of guns, heaved sighs of relief upon hearing the lack of news. "I won't lie," said Butch "Butchie" Glock, leader of Alabama open-carry group Batshit Crazy Gun Nuts and, according to his MedAlert bracelet, a sufferer from SPD (small-penis disorder). "I was worried there. I kept thinking, 'Is this the shooting that makes our leaders give a shit about gun violence?' Thank God, the American system did not let us down. Also, we're frequently mistaken for psychos just because we often brazenly carry loaded weapons into crowded public spaces like a crazy person might just before shooting up those crowded public places, so we feel great empathy for those people if for no one else. If you take away their guns, they -- and we -- might have nothing at all, other than an abnormally small penis."

Reached for comment in the afterlife, the approximately 10,000 people killed this past year by gun violence responded to lawmakers' assurances of continued inaction: "Yeah, seems legit."