12/16/2011 05:24 pm ET | Updated Feb 15, 2012

Season's Meetings

From: Kringle, Kris []
To: All_Employees []
Subject: 2011 Season

As the Christmas season fast approaches, the recently-rebranded Santastic Productions, LLC., expects all employees to prioritize our strategic initiatives in the areas of cost-reduction, brand maintenance and toy-delivery synergies, as represented by our recent partnering efforts with the U.S. military, from which for the first time this FY we will be sourcing experimental chimney-targeting drone aircraft. We also encourage all employees to think outside the box -- the paper and ribbon are also quite important.

Going forward, we would like to take this opportunity to urge all employees to turn in 110 percent effort. Though we encourage work-life balance, we cannot repeat last year's disastrous experiment in giving you the holidays off. With over seven billion people now alive, the 2011 Christmas season will be our busiest -- and best! -- ever!

Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good Night,
Santa, CEO
Santastic Productions, LLC
North Pole HQ

From: BouncyBalls []
To: FudgeFace []
Subject: FW: 2011 Xmas Season

OMG, can u bleeve LardAss? 110%? Dude, that's not even mathematically possible. What a dick.

From: BuckleSnot []
To: Kringle, Kris []
Subject: Market Share

Hi, Kris. Your recent reference to the world's population of 7 billion confused a few people in our group. We'd like to note that our market consists entirely of those children celebrating Christmas. While we have by far the largest market share in the Christmas-present manufacture/delivery vertical, our competitors cannot be entirely counted out; Hanukkah Harry continues to deliver socks to little Jewish Children eight days a year and Kwanzaa Kenny...well, we're not entirely sure what Kwanzaa Kenny does, but we'll let you know when we figure it out.

Could we meet to discuss approaches to up market share? We're thinking forced conversion of non-Christians. Or possibly giving out doughnuts.

From: Elven Relations []
To: Line_And_Staff []
Subject: Acceptable Dress

Henceforth, the wearing of elf-leggings such that the top hem of the tights falls below the waist is forbidden. While ER understands elves' desire to express their "gangsta" nature, Santastic Productions, LLC. feels that such attire does not reflect a professional or productive corporate culture.

There will be a brief mandatory meeting to reiterate acceptable dress and deportment for Santastic elves. In particular, the recent proliferation of "Will Cut a Bitch" tattoos must end immediately. We're not gnomes, for God's sake.

From: GeezLouise []
To: North_Pole_Workers []
Subject: Collective bargaining rights

Toy Workers Local 422: my brother (and sister) elves, it has recently come to my attention that corporate leadership has been moving to strip our brotherhood (and sisterhood) of collective bargaining rights. This is just the latest round of management moves to reduce our power to represent the needs of our membership, and we will not stand for it. Santa has grown fat on our labor -- every year we work our cute stubby little fingers to the bone making and wrapping presents, and do we see even one cookie or glass of milk? We do not.

Brothers (and sisters) working at the North Pole location will be meeting between the night shift and the night shift, and then later between the night shift and the night shift, to discuss collective action. We shall overcome!

From: Security []
To: Line_And_Staff []
Subject: Unauthorized meetings

Please note that employees using Santastic property for unauthorized activities, including Christmas parties and union meetings, will be removed. Security personnel have been issued peppermint spray and candy canes (the spicy kind) to effect this removal.

Management and Security invite you to hold all such gatherings on the frozen windswept tundra.

From: GoofyGut []
To: Kringle, Kris [], Senior_Management []
Subject: Discretion

Gentlemen: while the PR department does not begrudge you your success nor the privileges attendant on that success, we would like to point out that you would make our jobs considerably easier -- and Santastic's bottom line that much better -- if you would show at least a touch of discretion in your holiday celebrations. We must not allow Wikileaks to again get hold of pictures like those published last year. The ones featuring half-empty bottles of Cristal, piles of blow and the trio of hookers on Santa's naked lap -- do you know how many times that one got tagged "Ho, Ho, Ho?" -- were bad enough. But the photo that pushed us into overtime damage-control mode was the one showing the buffet table: no matter how we tried to spin it, that was clearly a roasted reindeer being carved up, and in the many outraged blog posts on various Internet forums, many claimed to be able to discern the animal's bright red nose. PETA is still up our asses about that one.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay.

And also? Let you nothing post to Hipstamatic.

With over seven billion people now alive, the 2011 Christmas season will be our busiest -- and best! -- ever!