There's a National Sausage Pizza Appreciation Day. There's also International Pickle Week. There's even World Vegan Day (for all the vegans who live outside the US). Who makes up this crap? Well, me for one. All due respect to the food historians who synced up the birthday of the dude who invented peanut butter and blocked off January 24th to honor it, I've come up with 10 food holidays I'd love to celebrate (especially #3). Any takers? We've been known to throw good parties at Food Republic.
1. The Olson Twins' Favorite Foods Day
Enjoy a modest spread of espresso, gum and what appears to be straight powdered sugar. I mean look at all the energy they have.
The day you find there is no food in your house whatsoever. Where did it go? Why do you taste pickles and chocolate? WHERE IS ALL THE FLOUR?
Related: Pineapple Express Upside Down Cake
3. The Feast of San Lorenzo
Lawrence of Rome, better known as San Lorenzo, met a seasonally appropriate end for squirreling away the Last Supper's holy chalice. For this, he was grilled on grates over a fire where he allegedly joked that they should cook him enough to eat. Celebrate this savage tale of someone who got what was coming to him by firing up the barbie and throwing on the biggest slab of ribs you can find.
4. World Picky Eaters' Day
Honor those with selective eating disorders by avoiding any and all reasons to consume flavorful food today.
Related: A Picky Eater Turned Top Chef
5. F*ck Food Allergies Day
Pack yourself a cooler or picnic basket and park yourself in the emergency room. Today's the day you eat that wedge of cheese/shrimp cocktail ring/sourdough boule/peanut butter cup and survive.
6. Pull Your Own Noodles Day
You can tell where we're going with this.
7. National Manischewitz Day
If you thought you hated the sweet stuff before, just wait til you try the brand-new Manischizzurp Bramble: 2 parts Manischewitz, which tastes like cough syrup, mixed with 1 part actual cough syrup, shaken with Kool-Aid bitters, served in a hi-ball filled with crushed Xanax.
8. Sandwiches of Your Childhood Day
Whether it was peanut butter and tuna fish, SPAM and grape jelly or Chef Boyardee canned ravioli stuffed into a hollowed-out baguette (all of which I've heard from people), bring back your crazy childhood sandwich of lunches past and enjoy it today. Or don't, depending on whether your palate has developed.
9. Fast Food Prank Day
Hit every local fast food joint in your neighborhood and give them hell. This should inspire you.
10. Vodka Watermelon Appreciation Day
This day celebrates the glorious coming together of watermelon and vodka. Drill a sizable hole in a watermelon, fill gradually with vodka and dispense, as is tradition.
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• Lunch In A Comedy Writing Room: Community
• Video: Action Bronson Plays Ice Cream Man For The Day. Raps, Too.
• Josh Gad May Have Killed Somebody For A Reservation At The French Laundry
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