Five years ago, my daughter came home from her middle school social psychology class and informed me that every generation has a name. Hers was dubbed "the hook-up generation." Although I was not aware of the label, I had been noticing some "signs." Relationships were scarcer, dating a rarity, and kids were randomly hooking-up and posting the evidence on Facebook. Many screen names were some derivative of booty, slutty, sexy and pimp. Halloween costumes were x-rated and sexting, texting of lewd pictures and midnight booty calls were becoming more common. Both sexes shared the role of "pursuer," and also the mutual acquiescence to "hook-ups" (casual sexual encounters that range from kissing to copulating). Would "hook-ups" eventually phase out dating? Would relationships bear the brunt? These concerns led me to spend the last 4 years reading about, researching and interviewing young adults and teens on the subject of "hook-ups."
I am beyond thrilled to acknowledge that girls today are being brought up in a generation that promotes empowerment and equality (due largely to the hard fought battles of the feminist movement in the 1960's and 70's). They are not barred from driving a race car, flying an airplane, becoming a scientist or mathematician, heading up a major company, or even running for president of the United States. Yet many young girls emulate women who are flexing their muscles on a stripper pole, and not in the boardroom. Media exposure to women who are famous for their wild sexual escapades on reality television shows and leaked sex tapes, is unrelenting and sets the norm for young people. As 15-year-old Emma told me, "Sometimes my girlfriends and I hook up with the same guy at a party. It's really not a big deal, that's what happens at parties." Sadly, quite a few girls shared similar sentiments. Nathalie a 21-year-old college student, was torn, "Sometimes I feel bad about giving in so easily, but if guys can have casual sex I should be able to too." The culture of "Girls Gone Wild" encourages empowerment and liberation through sexual assertiveness and random hook-ups. Unfortunately, this misuse of female equality seems to have backfired on dating.
"We should be woo'd and were not made to woo," laments Helena from Shakespeare's A Mid Summer Night's Dream. Back in the 1590's Helena is cast into the role of pursuer. A reversal of roles that she herself finds scandalous. Although gender roles are much less distinct in the 21st century, males and females do have different psychological, emotional and biological needs. Gender roles are reflective of these differences. When girls play the role of both "pursuer" and "easy to get," the impetus for dating is diminished. Drew, a 23-year-old college graduate, described his personal dilemma: "It's not as easy as you think to have a girlfriend. You don't get to know the girls who stand back, because it is too hard to turn away what is in front of your face. I'm young and horny so I go for the girls who throw themselves at me, but I don't want to date them." The loss of dating, wooing, courting and chasing, lessens the potential for connection and attachment. Everyone misses out on developing intimacy if the currency is a "hook-up" and not a date.
I am not suggesting that life is one massive orgy for everyone under the age of 25. According to the Center for Disease Control, sexual behavior has remained somewhat constant over the last 10 years. What I am speaking to is the shift from relationship-based sex to recreational sex. This trend towards disconnected and detached hook-ups may be jeopardizing the future ability for both sexes to form emotional attachments and committed relationships. Typically many young men (and some older ones too) are led by their raging hormones, but now plenty of girls feel emboldened to keep up with them. This combination does not necessarily lead to more sex, but more meaningless sex. As Jason, a 16-year-old boy, told me, "The way I've met girls is sexual first, that's good, but then I don't get to know them." 17-year-old Max: "Every guy's hope is that they can find a girl where you can do what you would do with her sexually, but you don't have the commitment and expectation." Interestingly, many of the boys and girls that I interviewed felt hostage to hook-ups, and were perplexed about how to reverse the current. 18-year-old Jessica explained, "You have a handful of girls who are basically just giving it out 24/7 for free. Those are the girls that guys go for. Either you give it out or you don't get anyone. I am not really sure what to do."
The reset button on dating and relationships needs to be pushed. Not necessarily back to the 1950s, where women were relegated to a passive role, but somewhere in between then and now. It is self-deception for girls to believe they are powerful because they say, "yes" to a booty call or kiss two boys in the same night. Ironically, girls might find that they feel more powerful by taking the risk to say "no" (boys could use a dose of limit setting too). "Setting limits" is not a euphemism for "game playing," but rather a vital way to take care of oneself. Capitulating to hook-ups out of obligation or fear of rejection is the very subjugation that we as women fought so hard to overcome.
Girls, need to take a moment to tune in and discover what it is they really need. If they are happy and comfortable with casual hook-ups, then no need to change a thing. If they want to share intimate conversations, establish trust and be in a close and connected relationships, then they should use their power to "un-hook" and hold out for what they really want.