01/17/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

12 Top News Year's Resolutions for the Republican Party

1. I will never, ever, ever again pick a running mate just because she or he is "hot" and makes me want to say "You Betcha" even though my Viagra prescription has expired.

2. I will remember that just because someone named Joe says he is a licensed plumber, a baker, or a candlestick maker, doesn't necessarily mean it is true, or that they should become my campaign advisor and take questions from the press.

3. I will take courses at my local community college in grammar, anger management, charm, etiquette, yoga and World Geography.

4. I will read Supreme Court decisions, The Declaration of Independence, The New York Times, a little Kafka and James Joyce for levity, as often as I watch TV evangelists, QVC and Dr. Phil on television.

5. I will begin to understand that there's something really weird about being anti-Choice and want to protect unborn babies, while I plan to drastically cut healthcare benefits for expectant mothers and newborn babies.

6. I will meet at least three gay couples who have been in a committed relationship for ten years and compare them to three straight couples who have been married for ten years, and ask myself the question, "Self ...what is truly the difference between the two?" as well as, "Which couple's throw the best dinner parties?"

7. I will remember not to take part in grimacing facial gymnastics during presidential debates, even though I clearly excel in this sport .

8. I will remember my P's and Q's when being interviewed by Katie Couric, and the rest of the English alphabet as well.

9. I will learn how to be more diplomatic and bi-partisan, even though it is against everything that I intellectually and morally believe in.

10. I will remember that while "that one" is president, I will listen to what "that one" has to say and take notes as to what it looks and sounds like to be eloquent, intelligent, educated, thoughtful and strong; all with humility and grace.

11. In the next presidential election, I will take a cue from Monty Python's John Cleese and hopefully, strategically start my campaign off with, "And now for something completely different..."

12. And finally, I will never again allow a female Vice presidential candidate to pump her fists while wearing boots and a tight skirt while yelling "Drill, Baby, Drill" to a bunch of Confederates.

Just not the best image for us.

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