07/06/2009 03:56 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Palin to Marry Moose and other Intellectual Pursuits

Breaking News: Palin's Remarks at Second Press Conference not yet Broadcast

I have to be honest with y'all just why I'm stepping down as Governor. I'm in love with a moose and realized it when I just couldn't blast him to pieces with my new Smith and Wesson. Alaska and my Russian neighbors will just have to understand. You're invited to the wedding.

Even though I am quitting my post as governor, I will never step down, you know, to my commitment as a great communicator and voice for The Republican party, because Golly Gee and Gosh darn it, I was just born with this talking gift, (wink) and I know I am an inspiration to y'all. What can I say? Some folks are just born with it.

Alaska and the millions of supporters who want to see me as President in 2012 will remain in my prayers. I even prey for the buffalo and its family I 'm going to kill tomorrow. I plan to hang his pretty head above my Godly fireplace, because after all, ain't the buffalo just one of God's creatures too? I think he deserves a great place in my home for display.

You know, people can say whatever the darn well they please, you know, about my daughter's ex-boyfriend Levi, who I still think will make my daughter an honest woman someday in the name of the Lord. But one thing you can't doubt is just how hot he is. Did you happen to see the Vanity Fair pictures of him without a shirt on? Someone bring me a fan, it's getting hot over here, or is that just menopause? No it aint that, cause I aint never gonna pause from any man. Oh, Mercy me.

These feminist women I think, where are they mostly from, the East and West Coast? I think most of them are lesbians. Well, anyway, you know the ones who say they think I'm no good for women's rights, I just think they're jealous because I am hot and know how to load and shoot a gun . . . every man's fantasy.

Every human being has a right, you know to be born, cause it's just God's plan that we are planned for his destiny and kingdom. Abortion is just plain wrong, even if you are retarded or a minority or, a homosexual. We are all here for a reason you know.

You know, with all of the wars going on because of who knows what the heck why, mainly because of third world people who speak funny languages, half the time I don't know one from the other because they all look the same, we should all just get down and prey, because war has just a this negative energy thing. And negative energy isn't good for you if you want to stay pretty like me.

I need to get back to my family, and I think that having a baby of the same age as my grandson just proves how giving that I am, and how giving all of us Palin women are.

I think the world of McCain, and personally, I think if I had been the front runner and he had been the Vice President, we would have won the presidency. I mean, who would choose an old man over a hot broad like me?

I don't know if I have told any one you in the press about this, but did you know that when I take off my glasses and take my hair down, that I am actually even smarter than I am now? I know it's hard to believe I could be any better than I already am, but I think my hairdo and glasses actually pull down on my brain a little.

You know, I think that women have a right to be anything that they darn well please, as long as she is a good god fearing Christian. Otherwise she'll go to hell, and no one wants that.

I think that if I run against Hilary in 2012, it will be a landslide victory for me. I mean, what does she know that I don't? Being a lawyer, a First Lady and now a Senator don't mean squat. I have been a governor and a beauty pageant queen. I know how to compete with the best of them.

My plans for the near future are to take care of my children, grandchild and any other children in my family that need birthing in the next year. Them I am going to form an exploratory committee to help me find out who Sara Palin really is where she might find a complete sentence.