Who Killed Mom's Cat? A Mystery About Aging Parents

My senior executive friend Cathy is a most rational and reasonable person. So when she called ranting about the crimes of her sister Lynette, I was taken aback. Their mother's beloved cat Rufus had been put to sleep while under Lynette's care, and Cathy was seething with grief and rage. You'd think her sister had murdered that sad, ancient tabby.

It seems younger sister Lynnette's home is in Ohio, an hour away from Mom, while Cathy lives in Manhattan. To help 87- year-old Mom out as she underwent a hospital procedure, Lynette picked up Rufus, planning to bring him back a week later. But while Mom awaited her beloved pet's return, the tabby began wobbling. When he got worse the next day, Lynette rushed him to the local vet and was told his condition was hopeless. Then she bundled Rufus into her car and drove him straight to Mom, who clutched the poor trembling animal to her chest, kissed him and wept. Together they agreed they needed to end his suffering, and Lynette supported her Mom through the horrible ordeal. Afterwards, Mom called Cathy to share the awful news.

Cathy was devastated. Since her father's death, Rufus had been her mother's only companion and comfort. Damn it, she said. Why hadn't her perennially incompetent sister called the vet at the first sign of trouble -- or called her for help? Cathy would have insisted on a specialist. And, if Rufus still couldn't be saved, well, damn her sister for depriving Mom of Rufus's last few days. And why? For her own convenience! Almost worst of all -- unlike Cathy and Mom -- Lynette wasn't an animal lover; she'd never even liked Rufus! Now, Mom was heart-broken and alone.

Cathy paused to breathe. She admitted she was also angry at herself. Why hadn't she flown home to take charge? Her sister could never do anything right! And when Lynette angrily reminded her of how she was never around to help, Cathy felt doubly guilty, even though her sisters' crimes were worse -- gross incompetence, selfishness and callousness! She never wanted to see her again. But she'd have to if she went home for Christmas; so maybe she shouldn't go.

Cathy called me because she knew my book They're Your Parents, Too! was about the explosive feelings of sisters and brothers around their aging parents. Cathy and Lynette's conflict about the sad end of Rufus was almost an archetype of the sibling struggle.

To an outsider, Cathy might seem hysterical. But when it's your widowed mom who's getting frail, facing yet another loss and soon to face her end, it's all too easy to be swept up in such operatic emotions. Like so many siblings, Cathy and her sister had been plunged back into the rivalries they'd had as children, each needing to be most important to -- and most loved by -- their mom.

Cathy wanted to protect her mom from more pain and loss -- an impossibility given her infirmities and age. Nor could Cathy protect herself from the inevitable loss of her mother, which was surely coming sooner rather than later. So instead of raging at the Dark Force which had taken poor little Rufus -- and will someday take us all -- she funneled her fury towards her sister ... and herself. It was easier than looking the reality of death in the face. But now she did look. She sighed. She cried. And then she went home for Christmas.

 

 

 

Follow Francine Russo on Twitter: www.twitter.com/YourPArentsToo

Comments

[CristineN]

04:09 AM on 03/02/2010

If my mother were still alive, I'd think your friend is my sister. Our mother committed suicide on my sister's birthday, she found her and will not tell anyone what the note said...the State Coroner has it. I haven't talked to her in years but her overwhelming guilt has systematically destroyed our family, what was left of it. We were once friends until I questioned something she was doing with my mother's estate and now she has moved, no one knows where and I miss her. I live over a thousand miles away and am basically mythology to what is left of my family. So, I wasn't surprised that now, 10 years later, my elderly grandmother blames me for my mother's death. It's such a lonely world, why do people have to frost it with cruelty?

[Veronica]

03:52 PM on 03/02/2010

I don't care how traumatizing a situation is -- people whose first reaction to a tragedy is to look for someone to blame piss me off. Sometimes, there IS someone specific to blame, but most of the time, no. And blaming anyone for the suicide of another is particularly cruel and, frankly, childish. People like your grandmother can turn my sympathy into contempt very quickly.

[thinkingwomanmillstone]

10:04 PM on 03/01/2010

I'm just thankful your so called rational friend is not my sister. Lynette was doing the major share of caring for Mom. She took the cat home. She took it to the vet and then drove it to Mom so she could say good bye. Her reward: being acused of killing the cat. Cathy owes Lynette an apology. Lynette is also dealing with the difficult last period of her Mom's life and the future loss therein.

[BMS]

07:37 PM on 03/02/2010

Agree 100%. It's always the one who is NOT on the scene, and NOT doing their fair share, who does the second-guessing and criticizing. Lynette could not have done a better job. Sounds like "senior executive" Cathy put her job before her family, then mouthed off about everything she thought Lynette did wrong.

[LastTexasRose]

08:35 PM on 03/02/2010

When the Vet tells you that there is nothing they can do for your pet, that has been the truth both times I have been told that by a Vet.

One cat, we used extreme measures to keep her alive after she was found to have extreme jaundice from liver problems, IV's, medicines, and forcefeeding because she would not eat, it was miserable for both of us.

The other cat was 19 when she died, she had been blind for years, and we had coddled her, when she had what appeared to be a heart attack or stroke, we took her to an all night Vet clinic, the Vet was very straight up, that he could take extreme measures, but in the end it would do no good, so we had a prolonged time in the office to say goodbye to her, and I held her as she gently slipped into the night.

So blaming someone for the death of a pet, when the Vet has already said there was nothing that could be done, sounds pretty childish to me

[mlaiuppa]

09:13 PM on 03/01/2010

Cathy probably knows her sister pretty well.

I know mine. And I blame her for the death of her family's dog. A dog she knew was afraid of fireworks. Yet the dog was left outside the night of July 4th while the family was inside. The dog was so frightened it jumped a fence, ran down the road and was hit by a car.

Why was the dog not in the house? Why was the dog not medicated?

I know the answers to all of the questions. Because I know my sister.

And Cathy knows hers.

[QueenCeleste]

06:16 AM on 03/02/2010

I'm sorry about the poor dog. That holiday is my least favorite, knowing animals get out and, in their fear and panic, are lost or hit by cars. And only the owners are to blame.