05/13/2008 04:31 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Thank the Pastor's God!: The Apology We've All Been Waiting For

"What's wrong with you, little Johnny? Where did you even hear such a thing? Not in this house! We don't use language like that. Look, she's going to cry. You take that back and say you're sorry. You tell her that she's not a great whore!"


"Right this minute!"

"I WON'T!"

"You'll be sorry. Look, she's crying now. You've made your big sister cry. Tell her you didn't mean it. Go on. Tell her she's not even a little whore!"


"Okay for you. Until you apologize, no more toys!"

"I WON'T!"

"No more play dates. No more sleep-overs, even with that nice McCain boy.!"


"No more dress-up in pretty clothes."

"I WON'T!"

"No dinner."


"That's right. Not until you apologize."


"Not until you apologize. No dinner, no supper, no breakfast, no brunch, no lunch. Not even any snacks."


"We're waiting."


"We can't hear you."


"Tell her."


"And what else?"


"Isn't there something else you want to say?"

"WHAT?!!!!! NUFFIN'!!!!"

"I'll count to five, little Johnny. Then I'm going to start clearing out your little refrigerators. One...two..."

"OKAY! OKAY!!!!!!!!" . . . She's not."

"Tell her."

"You're not."

"What, little Johnny? What isn't she?"


"There! Thank you. That wasn't so hard now, was it? Have another doughnut."