THE BLOG
10/27/2011 08:42 am ET | Updated Dec 27, 2011

A Living Dead Will

[The following is an excerpt from Sad Monsters: Growling on the Outside, Crying on the Inside.]

ITEM 1. If I become terminally ill, I wish to receive any and all procedures that might prolong my life, regardless of cost or adverse side effects, including but not limited to the following:
--Administering experimental treatments/drugs.
--Performing experimental/horrific surgeries (e.g., the transfer of my head onto the body of an unwilling victim).
--Hiring a vampire to drain me and then fill me with his/her blood, thereby granting me eternal life, albeit a condemned one in which I am cursed to feast on the blood of innocents. My health care proxy has been instructed to appropriately remunerate said innocents for their pain and suffering.
--Trading the Devil or intermediary demon for additional time on earth in exchange for my soul. See my lawyer for a draft of the contract and a satanic summoning ritual.
--As a very last resort, I am willing to be Frankensteined.

ITEM 2. If I am in a coma or have little or no conscious understanding with absolutely no hope of recovery, I request that the attending physicians terminate my vital functions at their discretion, providing I am immediately buried in an old pet cemetery that was once an Indian burial ground.

ITEM 3 (A). If I am bitten by a zombie or otherwise become infected by a zombie-like plague (e.g., interstellar radiation brought back by NASA probe, a "rage" virus), I hereby request that my brain NOT be destroyed, unless the effects of said zombie condition are such that my quality of undead life is compromised.

ITEM 3 (B). If I become a zombie and I am captured by surviving soldiers/scientists to be experimented upon, or if my limbs are accidentally or purposely severed but continue to wriggle with unnatural life, my health care proxy is instructed to destroy my brain, preferably by shotgun or other high-caliber bullet.

ITEM 3 (C). If the above situation occurs and my health care proxy has also become a zombie, then I hereby authorize as my new health care proxy the nearest surviving human with a shotgun.

ITEM 3 (D). If I am not a plague/infection zombie but instead a Haitian voodoo zombie, my health care proxy should find the voodoo priest/priestess who is controlling me and attempt to break the bond, as long as breaking said bond will not result in harm to my insensate body. If the bond is unbreakable, I hereby instruct my health care proxy to vanquish the voodoo priest/priestess, at which point control of my zombie self shall be duly given to my sister Gina, who has a detailed list of instructions in the case of this contingency.

ITEM 4 (A). In the event that I am bitten by a vampire, not in conjunction with Item 1, do not exhume and stake my corpse. Additionally, do not trick me into feeding on a beautiful girl until morning and then pull the drawn curtains so I burn to ashes, and do not question the strange wounds appearing on the necks of beautiful women who seem to have suddenly developed severe and inexplicable anemia. My health care proxy is instructed only to do the following:
1. Run a prepared obituary that doesn't mention my unnaturally extended life.
2. Start leaving her windows open at night.

ITEM 4 (B). If it's a gay vampire who bites me, that's cool, I'm willing to be open-minded in exchange for eternal life, but please mention in my obituary that while I was alive I slept with tons of chicks.

ITEM 5. If I die in an unexpected accident and a cursed pet cemetery/ancient Indian burial ground cannot be located in a timely fashion, immediately contact my assistant Geoff, who has in his possession a monkey's paw with one finger/wish left. I hereby request that my health care proxy use that final wish to bring me back to life, regardless of any imagined horrific consequences, including but not limited to the reanimation of a mutilated and unrecognizable corpse caught in the machinery of a nineteenth-century factory.

ITEM 6. In the event I survive a werewolf attack, my banker is hereby instructed to sell all my silver holdings.

ITEM 7 (A). In the event that I die and return as a poltergeist, my health care proxy may only exorcise my spirit if she is certain beyond all reasonable doubt that the spirit is not actually me, but is instead a demon masquerading as me in an attempt to trick my survivors, or if my poltergeist activity adversely affects my home's property value.

ITEM 7 (B). If I am murdered foully and most unnaturally, and said murder occurs before I receive last rites, resulting in my unclean spirit being doomed for a certain time to walk the night and for the day be confined to fast in fires till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away, my health care proxy is hereby instructed to revenge me. Contact my attorney for a script of a play to stage in order to confirm the murderer's guilt.

ITEM 7 (C). If I die and become a corporeal ghost, and science has advanced to the point where "ghost-busting" technology exists, do not "ghostbust" me. However, if a ghost-busting team is looking for a new Slimer-like underworld liaison, I might be willing to apply, depending on the perks. See my lawyer for a draft of a Slimering contract.

Unless I revoke it or state an expiration date or circumstances under which it will expire, this document shall remain in effect indefinitely, especially if I become a vampire or ghost (Items 1, 4, and 7).