Read the Kid Nation liveblog in its new home, on 23/6.
8:00: This week's episode is titled "Let Me Talk," but it should be called "Let Me Write About This From My Parents' Kitchen Table." It's Thanksgiving, you guys. You should be with your families. Instead you are reading the internet. Mr. Google would be so proud.
8:01: It's election season. Everyone gets to make a speech. Zach (10-FL) goes first, but without the benefit of pacing in front of his overweight Jewish friend practicing his delivery. It's no Daniel Webster's "Reply to Hayne," but it's better than Blaine's (14-FL) speech, which is "leaders should motivate, so, uh." Yes, Blaine, leaders should motivate, so, uh. Sit down, puppy.
8:02: Guylan's (11-MA) speech consists of a spazzy ripping off of his bandana and an enthusiastic, "Guys, please vote me off!" Done and done. I wish they could vote him off the island. Also, I wish this show was on an island. DK (14-IL) is the new Red District leader.
8:03: Laurel (12-MA) loves this job. She loves running Bonanza City. And she hopes other people can see that. Michael's (14-WA) speech is about how he wants to test himself and how he would make Bonanza City a better place not just for Green District, but for everyone. It's like choosing between the lesser of two over-achievers.
8:04: Anjay (12-TX) looks like he's going to cry. He wants people to consider his whole track record. Greg (15-NV) gives a speech that borrows heavily from the popular redemption theme. It's very "Who Better to Lead Than Someone Who Used to Smoke Heroin with Hookers?" And the answer, of course, is probably anyone. Anyone would be better.
8:05: Jonathan "You'll Have to Pry My Career From My Cold, Dead Hands" Karsh, "You've heard all the candidates speak, and now it's your turn: VOTE!" I really wish that the intense dramatic bed music they're playing would run in our nation's polling places next November, but then again, I also wish that the way you voted was by playing laser tag with the candidates and electing the one who gets shot the least, so I'm probably not worth listening to.
8:07: Laurel gets voted out 6-3 and Michael is the new Green District Town Council Representative. The look on her face is the same look Stalin had when the Berlin Wall fell. In heaven. Because he was dead. But the point is Laurel is drunk with power.
8:08: Blaine wins 5-4, and Zach is deposed from the Yellow District leadership. I think this whole election just proves the old syllogism: people fear change, children do not fear change, children are not people.
8:09: By a landslide vote of 7-2, Greg beats the incumbent Anjay to become Town Council Rep for the Blue District. I don't understand why Anjay even wanted that position. Let's all remember that Olivia (12-IN) is in Blue District, carefully honing the craft of tearing people down to cover up the fact that she lives alone on a subsistence diet of Lean Cuisine and Crystal Light. You guys, I never knew the depths of hate one could have for a 12-year-old, but they're really deep depths.
8:10: Greg's acceptance speech: "I know a lot of you are thinking, Oh my god, Bonanza City is gonna burn. (long pause) I'm going to try and be the best Town Council Leader there ever was." I really wish he had said, "you're right," and doused everyone in gasoline. Laurel proclaims in interview that Bonanza City is going to "crash and burn." Oh COME ON, LAUREL. Is it really that hard to read the pioneer journal and do what it says? Or to choose between clean clothes for everyone and a Pixie Stix party? I'm pretty sure if this Town Council had a conch, Laurel would have killed and eaten Piggy and taken control of Castle Rock.
8:17: Laurel and Sophia (14-FL) are cooking some kind of disaster and talking about how horrible it's going to be with both Blaine and Greg on the council. "I feel like someone just won the presidential election with no background check," Sophia says. Ugh. Look, I hate George Bush as much as the next enraged illiterate liberal blog commenter, but I will not tolerate political commentary from people who aren't even old enough to drink coffee.
8:22: At Blaine's suggestion, the town holds a "Respect Game" in the saloon, where everyone has to get up and talk, and if anyone in the crowd says anything, or giggles, then they have to start from the beginning. Halfway through, Natasha (13-FL) laughs and says "Oh my God." This, of course, demands that this powerful communication exercise (?) start over again. Greg asks everyone to give a round of applause to Natasha for ruining everything. Eric (14-NJ) says "I don't think giving Natasha a round of applause because she messed up is the most respectful thing." Snap. Greg, this is what is called a "snap," and you just got it in your "face."
8:24: Greg and Blaine sneak up on the Green District bunk during a late night bitch session about the Respect Game and the new Town Council. Greg says in interview that he was personally offended and that they're going to regret some of the things that they said. Lesson learned: yelling out "Happy Birthday" to someone in the saloon when they say it's going be their birthday in three days, disrespectful. Eavesdropping on someone's private conversation and then surreptitiously punishing them for what they said, perfectly respectful. Thank you, Greg, or should I call you, Judith Martin.
8:28: In response to what they overheard, Greg, Blaine, and DK set up chairs in the middle of the street in order to not work and just compliment people all day. Very quickly, things break down in a really intense way, including Sophia asking "What is this, a Nazi regime?" (Short answer: wow, no!) and Greg yelling "Bullshit!" over and over. Everyone is screaming. Maybe Bonanza City really will crash and burn. Drama!
8:36: So, here's a question: does the aforementioned dramatic exchange linger and fester and sow the seeds of Bonanza City's destruction? Or does it end as soon as we come back from commercial when everyone apologizes to each other and Greg and Michael shake hands and agree to be the best team ever? I'll give you a hint: I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance.
8:39: SHOWDOWN. Because communication is the theme this week, the kids need to hoist pies up by a pulley system, then walk pies across a field on a balance beam, then slide the pies down a chute, and then dig through the pies for a buried picture of a method of communication (TV, phonograph), and then put those pictures in the order in which they were invented. You know, basic communication stuff.
8:41: Green District would have been Upper Class but they got the order of the inventions wrong, so Blue takes it. Green is Merchant Class. Yellow District would be the cooks except that Blaine thought television was invented before, you know, typewriters, phonographs, telegraphs, telephones, and radios. Jonathan Karsh tells him to reorder his pies, and he says "I hate you, Jonathan." Finally, some honest communication. Zach tells Blaine how to reorder the pies and he says "No, radio came before phonographs, because phonographs had CDs in it." Look out, Kelsey (11-MA), you might no longer be the dumbest. Just kidding. Kelsey is so dumb. Yellow pulls it together, Cooks. Red is the Laborers.
8:47: The town wins the reward, so they have to choose between ponies or letters from home. I'm pretty sure the Council will choose letters from home, but it would have been some pretty intense TV to watch those ponies slowly die from neglect as all the kids forgot they even had ponies two hours after they got them. I'd also like to take this opportunity to point out that everyone is covered from head to toe in pie. Gross.
8:48: They choose the letters. What follows is five minutes of everyone reading their letters out loud to the camera. Ugh. What's next? A slideshow of your vacation? How about you tell me about the boring dream you had last night that has nothing to do with me.
8:53: Town Hall Meeting. Does anyone disapprove of the job the Town Council is doing? Yes, the entire Green District. The eavesdropping comes up. Greg asks anyone with a problem to say it to his face, and then starts yelling at everyone. More training on respect and communication from Greg. He should have his own show. It would be like Dr. Phil, but slightly more intelligent. Jonathan Karsh asks Greg if he's going to change. He says that now that he thinks about it, he can see where everyone is coming from, and he can see that they're right in a way, and that they're wrong in a way. That would be a big NO, Jonathan.
8:56: The gold star goes to Laurel. At first this makes me mad, because I hate Laurel. But then it makes me happy, because I love Laurel's mom. She says things like "whatasmatta?" and "yoo won twenty thousand dollahs?" She's basically Joe Pesci in drag.
NEXT WEEK: The kids of Bonanza City start their own school. Let me guess, it's called 40 Children Left Behind Elementary. But guess who doesn't want to go to school? Taylor. That's right, Taylor is still alive.