8:00: This week's episode is titled "Starved for Entertainment," which would have been a perfectly fine episode title near the beginning of the season when it would have been a cute description of bored children stuck in the desert. At this point, when we know the children are actually starved for fresh produce and constructive discipline, it's just wrong.
8:03: Everyone is bored, as exhibited by numerous shots of children lying in the dirt or standing stock still looking out at the plains sky. So what? I'm bored right now, and I've got my own apartment and everything. DK (14-IL) calls an emergency town meeting about this boredom situation. Maggie (14-MN), the non-threateningly goth girl who we know is goth because of her dyed bangs and graphic sweatshirt, says "we all have to work together to make a cool town that everyone wants to be in." Um, they already tried that. It was called Seattle and it killed Kurt Cobain. Go draw vampires on your jeans or something.
8:08: The Pioneere Journale says that the Town Council should organize some kind of entertainment, because back in 1885 there was no entertainment and Bonanza City was "downright dull." Oh come on, surely the life expectancy of 29 must have added some excitement to the drudgery. Who's up for a rousing game of "Who Died This Morning?"
8:09: Zach suggests that they could stage "a play, a talent show, or both." Haha. Both. What? Relax. Two seconds ago there was nothing to do, all of a sudden Zachfield Follies over here sees a glittering "Great Dirt Way." They decide to organize a talent show, and I decide this is going to be my favorite episode.
8:10: The Town Council interrupts breakfast (and I swear I see Taylor eating a bagel, just like the old west) to announce that there is going to be a talent show in the saloon (two root beer minimum) the next day and all the kids start cheering because I don't know if you knew this, but it's gotten really boring and they need some entertainment. I'm sure the kids were bored, or whatever, but I don't buy this "breaking point" drama they're building. I'm pretty sure Bonanza City was just as boring on day one, and I'm pretty sure there's a videotape lying around somewhere to prove it.
8:10: With the announcement of the Talent Show, there is a sad moment where Markelle (12-GA), who is sitting at the back of the room with gothic Maggie, stands up and does an enthusiastic Karate Kid kick, and clearly pulls his groin. He says "ow, ow, ow" holding his groin and slinks back to his table. It is sad because a) none of the other kids saw it, even Maggie was distracted, and b) apparently his talent was enthusiastic kicking and now he's probably going to be out of the big show.
8:10: The Town Council decides that this week's gold star will be given to whoever wins the talent show. As Anjay (12-TX) puts it, "instead of giving it out for physical strength, we should give it out for social strength." It's unfair to jump to conclusions, but I feel fairly confident that none of the "talents" the kids are going to demonstrate will exhibit "social strength." A childlike lack of dignity and a willingness to prostrate oneself before one's peers in search of begrudging acceptance maybe, but social strength, no.
8:14: We are introduced to Natasha (13-FL) and Migle (13-IL) (MIGLE? Whoops, that's your name). The reason that we haven't seen them before is because, as Alex (9-NV) describes them, "they are Paris and Nicole." Alex goes on to say, "But I don't really know what that means." We do, though, don't we, adults? It means they have sexually transmitted diseases and an allergy to integrity.
8:15: Greg (15-NV) and Blaine (14-FL) tell Natasha and Migle (whoops, that's still your name) that if the they don't start working, Greg and Blaine will throw the Showdown and make sure that Blue District gets laborers, and they'll assign Natasha and Migle to trash and toilets. This would be a great threat if I wasn't half convinced that Natasha and Migle don't even know what Greg was talking about because they've spent the whole time in Kid Nation huddled together in their sleeping bags giggling about hair care and HPV.
8:21: Speaking of: The funniest thing that has happened on this show, ever, is when Anjay is trying to get Blue District pumped for the Showdown with his traditional cheer of "ARE WE GONNA WIN THIS?" and Greg and Blaine just say, "no."
8:23: This week's episode is all about culture, so the Showdown involves making a mosaic out of chewed bubble gum. You know what, OK, Kid Nation. I'll give you this one. It's not impossible to imagine some lithe Chelsea girl displaying her bubble gum mosaics of ponies made with the spit of fragile children at Deitch Projects.
828: The Green District wins upper class for the first time, but at what cost? At one point, Laurel's (12-MA) jaw was so tired from chewing gumballs she had to use her hands to push her mouth up and down. Blue gets merchant class, red are the cooks, yellow don't finish in time so they are laborers and the town does not get a reward. If they had won, they could have chose between paint for the whole city "in colors that are up to you". (Colors that are up to you consist of red, green, yellow, and blue.) Or, they could have won an all-night disco party. I do not think this is a great loss, but Markelle "the Fourth Fat Boy of the Dance" Flatley looks genuinely distressed.
8:32: Savanah (10-KY) wants to go home. Again. Savannah, quickly shooting back up the ranks of Bonanza City's smartest kid.
8:38: The talent show begins. Markelle, unable to perform due to a groin injury, will be MC-ing the event. From Campbell (10-GA) making loud squealing noises to Jared's (11-GA) intense monologue from Shakespeare's Henry V, there is only so much for one liveblogger to do. I will leave Greg and Blaine's transgender interpretation of Romeo and Juliet to the DSM IV, and focus instead on Olivia (12-IN) and her stand up routine. By focus I mean reprint her jokes verbatim without commentary:
"Being a comedian is harder than it looks, I mean, people look at me and they laugh." "Now while we're talking about smiling, Anjay over here is smiling all the time. If you told him to go jump off a cliff he'd be smiling."
"My own District, we're a little crazy, I'll give you that. Greg and Blaine, I could invent three million jokes about them, but look at them, they are the joke."
She actually says "Thank you, you've been a great audience."
8:41: Previously unseen Kennedy's (12-GA) talent involves putting on a bird mask and a feather boa and going on stage and doing a rap. To give you a sense of both the quality of Olivia's performance and these children's understanding of comedy, the two are considered equally impressive.
8:42: As the show is ending, Savannah takes the stage. "I don't have a talent, I just have an announcement to make." She has decided to stay...because of the talent show. Savannah: rocketing back down to the bottom. Maybe she will lock herself in the chicken coop again. Maybe I don't care. No, not maybe.
8:45: Gold star nominations. Divad (11-GA) nominates herself. In an interview, homeschooled Red District leader Guylan (11-MA) says that all Divad does is cook potatoes. That is still happening? Jesus Christ, Divad, seriously, with the potatoes and the self-promotion? Enough already. It's between Olivia and Kennedy for the gold star. Who could make that decision? It's like having to choose between date rape and hate crime.
8:50: Town Meeting. Jonathan "Goodbye, Self-Worth" Karsh asks if there was anyone talented who didn't perform in the show. DK says he wants to hear red-haired, freckle-cheeked Laurel sing and everyone starts chanting Laurel's name. This results in a heart-something rendition of "Amazing Grace." Laurel is actually an impressive singer. She would have made a really great emancipated slave.
8:53: The gold star goes to...Kennedy. Social power, you guys. You know, as adults, we often get so wrapped up in our daily concerns that we forget the lasting change we could have on those around us by just simply putting on a bird mask and a feather boa and rapping.
NEXT WEEK: They're going to mix up the Districts. Alliances broken. Friendships destroyed. Snooze.