Read the Kid Nation liveblog in its new home, on 23/6.
8:00: This episode is titled "Not Even Close to Fair." I hope the theme-based showdown involves Darfur.
8:01: Laurel (12-MA) comments that four people in the Green District have won gold stars, which is way more gold stars than any other team." It just goes to show that if you work hard with people that you like and can have fun with it then good things will happen to you." That's a nice sentiment, but in my experience very few people hand out $20,000 gold stars for having fun with your friends scrubbing outhouses. Then again, I don't live in a ghost town, so what I don't know about having fun with your friends scrubbing outhouses could fill a Kohler warehouse.
8:03: Zach (10-FL) and Guylan (11-MA) argue for splitting up the teams, but both Laurel and Anjay (12-TX), who came into Bonanza as Town Council members and represent Machine Politics at its most entrenched, are firmly against it. According to Anjay, "this is dynamite waiting to happen." I, for one, hate when dynamite happens.
8:11: The Town Council announces to the rest of the kids that they're being split up, to much distress. Guylan says, "No offense to anyone on the Red District, but we all know that we need some intellectual people on our team." In an interview, former leader Mike (11-WA) says, "I was really offended when he said we need smart people. We're all smart, that's why we're here." Whoops, you just proved Guylan's point. Actually, Mike, you're there because your parents accepted $5,000 and a summer of rekindled sex lives. They also signed a waiver saying they wouldn't sue CBS if you died. I'm pretty sure your intelligence never factored into it.
8:14: Blaine (14-FL) gets switched to the Yellow District, sending Greg (15-NV) into near hysterics. Blaine actually recognizes that he might get some credit for what he does now that he's on his own. Greg takes the somewhat different tack of walking through the dusty streets of Bonanza yelling, "I MAY BE BLUE, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH YELLOW." I'm going to let that one slide. You get one free pass, Greg. WATCH IT.
8:17: We are introduced to Hunter (12-GA) for the first time, who says that he thought the whole town was about to break down. I don't know about that. I'm the one who is about to break down. I can't deal with this episode, you guys. It's too "inside baseball" or whatever it's called when no one cares what you're talking about. All these boring team changes, and now Hunter...I'm sorry, we don't have time for new children. Please meld quietly back into the scenery.
8:25: Because this episode is about fairness, in this showdown, the kids have to pull a mining sled full of rocks through an obstacle course. In order to get the reward, the whole town has to pull one ton of rocks. But each team can decide how much weight it's going to carry. So a team could totally just take one rock and race to the finish line to become "Upper Class." I'm sure the kids' reward decision will deal with the issue of fairness by making the children choose between a personal finance seminar by Jim Cramer of Mad Money, and a swimming pool filled with Mountain Dew.
8:29: Blue District are the Upper Class, Yellow District are the Merchant Class, Green are the Cooks, and Red are Laborers. Red pulled a lot of rocks. Blue didn't pull a ton of rocks. Neither did Yellow. No one got enough weight for the reward. Guylan suggests that everyone was too concerned with their status to do something for the whole town. Sophia turns around and says something that is both bleeped and blurred out. I think it's "eat my pussy." COMMERCIAL BREAK.
8:42: Sophia apologizes to Guylan. He says that if he could do it all again he wouldn't run for Town Council, but he "doesn't have a time machine, so he can't stop the past." If I had a time machine I'd stop myself from watching this episode.
8:45: Gold Star Recommendations. It's between Blaine and Hunter. On the one hand, Blaine is a hard worker and is really standing out now that he's been separated from Greg. On the other hand, who's Hunter?
8:49: Town Hall Meeting. Greg respects Laurel for keeping her district together and hates Anjay for splitting him and Blaine up. Greg thinks Mallory (8-IN) is more of a man than Anjay. Mallory is best known for starting a day care for stuffed animals.
8:50: Randi wants to go home. It starts raining. Kelsey (11-PA) says, "Randi, God does not want you to go." I would like to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of rain: stop placing undue significance on rain. It's a biochemical process. It's not God crying. Enough already.
8:52: This week's gold star goes to Blaine. He doesn't really say what he's going to spend his money on, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be more hair product and teeth whitener. Now I hope we can all just put this Hunter business behind us.
8:53: By a show of hands, Jonathan "Even Ryan Seacrest Is More Respected Than Me" Karsh asks how many kids approve of the job the Town Council is doing. No one raises their hand, except Blaine, but I mean, that's a freebie. So, it's reelection time. DK (14-IL) is challenging Guylan. Greg is challenging Anjay. Blaine is challenging Zach. Will anyone dare to challenge Laurel? MICHAEL (14-WA) WILL. In your face, stupid Laurel. If power corrupts, kid power corrupts kids. She's so smug and self-satisfied. She actually looks at Michael and hiss-whispers "whaaat?" IN YOUR FRECKLED FACE, THAT IS WHAT. To be continued.
NEXT WEEK: The election season is in full swing, and Sophia says, "what is this, the Nazi regime?" I would make a joke about Easy-Bake Crematoriums, but I think my grandmother might be reading this.