Eliot Spitzer, It's Way Too Soon

Even compared to the fast pace of a New York minute, the speed at which Eliot Spitzer made his comeback is dizzying. It appears that the former Governor of New York decided to time his journey from irrelevance back to public life in the smallest measurable unit of time -- Planck time.

He posted his first blog on Slate; it was well written, full of insight and original ideas on the most pressing topic of the day -- the bailout. But something went terribly wrong. Gosh Eliot Spitzer, we're trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but all we can think of are your damn socks.

The road to redemption for a fallen politician has its own logic, and he who runs through a red light does so at his own peril. I'll use the male pronoun here since the political graveyard is littered exclusively with the remains of men, except for Mary Carey, '03 candidate for governor of California and porn actress, who was arrested at a strip club for committing a lewd act on herself while dancing, charged, and found guilty.

"Public officials who resigned in disgrace used to allow a quiet period to pass before edging back into public life," Stephen Bainbridge, a UCLA professor told the New York Times. "Respect for public decency required that the miscreant retire to the country and live out the rest of their lives as a recluse, shunned by society. How far we have come in dumbing down our response to public figures behaving badly. Now we don't even require them to wait a decent interval before rejoining society."

Spitzer seems to have forgotten some rules for the road, thus this refresher for him, and all disgraced politicians to come, about the downfall of hypocrites, and how long the fallen should spend in the wilderness, before attempting to resume a public role in society.

1) After the scandal, you must suck it up and endure the torment of having your bones picked clean by the media.

2) Flagellate and lacerate yourself with your own guilt as your poor wife and kids barricade themselves in the basement to avoid the phalanx of reporters outside the house.

3) Weep as the great American public watch Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, and David Letterman feed you your ego and flush what's left of your dignity into oblivion.

4) Lock your sorry self in your home office and hide the scissors to dodge your wife, whose face is composed in a triptych of silent fury, martyrdom, and promise of future revenge.

5) Take up journaling in solitary confinement and write over and over, "I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."

6) Turn the other cheek when your wife slaps you or punches you in the stomach. Be a man and take your medicine.

7) Tell your children you're sorry when they come home crying from school because someone called you a pervert.

8) Understand the reason that the public wants you to be silent for an extended period. They want you to ponder on the meaning of your fall and the arrogance which preceded it, so you never do it again, for your family's sake, and for the public's sake.

9) After a reasonable time, say 2 years, they will, if you show your remorse and offer an apology filled with grace notes, peel the scarlet letter off your forehead and allow you back into public life.

10) Throw your crooked principles and moral bankruptcy behind a worthy cause for true acceptance from the public. The bailout doesn't cut it, there's a brand gap. The public would prefer something more cathartic and personally meaningful for your rehabilitation -- perhaps something that will help future hypocritical governors, who violate interstate laws to procure prostitutes, avoid a similar fate.

In the meantime, www.zipit.gov.

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Comments

[skumarweb]

OK, how come Wall Street chimps are any less vulgar.

[Nikola Tesla]

America needs to grow up.

Yes he got his willie wet; he still knows where the bodies of Wall Street are buried.

Doesn't the fact that his enemies are the pigs sitting in Washington with their faces in the public trough raise a red flag?

No wonder this country's economy is a mess; we care more about someone's sex life than corruption in Wall Street. Pathetic prudes.

[max365]

Actually, we need a voice like Spitzer's right now. He had a first hand knowledge of how the whole thing started with the derivative­s/investme­nt markets. The scandal is a family issue. I don't want to know about what happens in a man's bedroom as long as it is not rape or murder.

530,000 people lost jobs last month. Do you think they care about his sex life?

[WorkingClass]

Who cares about Spitzer's consorting with hookers? Mrs. Spitzer, his political enemies and snotty little ball busters I suppose.

[kissmygrits]

I'm guessing HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTERS. Charming, dude, really charming.

[Nikola Tesla]

He wife INSISTED that he NOT resign, She knew it was a SET UP!

[aceholiday]

why are people still blogging about his sex life?

[IDIOTA]

I don't care about the sex that people have as long as there is mutual consent between sexually mature individuals. That said, Elliot Spitzer obeyed the logic of the sex scandal and resigned. So it too early for him to return and be taken seriously.

[crewislife]

I'm sorry, but maybe all you're thinking about is his socks. What the hell does having sex have to do with anything? We're such a puritanical society. Get over it already...­it's just sex!

[janfin]

I agree. I thought Spitzer was a great attorney general, would have been a great governor, and that his actions don't negate his brilliant mind and excellent thoughts and points. When will American grow up?

[larry278]

Hey, we can wait till Mueller, Director of FBI's term ends or the Attorney General is fired. Spitzer as Director of the FBI would make J Edgar Hoover turn over in his grave at 700 rpm.

[MBryant]

Why exactly? Because Hoover might have thought about hiring a prostitute, but never, never would have thought about having actual heterosexual intercourse with one?

As for the larger topic... Can we deal with real offense here... Spitzer spent $400 in campaign funds he shouldn't have on hotel rooms. As far as the F.B.I. and N.Y.T. who both investigated it are concerned, they could find no evidence he spent anything but his private moneys on prostitutes.

Spitzer is a former D.A. - can't we either charge him with purchasing prostitution - which I believe is illegal in Washington and New York - for which the evidence exists - and for the misues of funds - and try and punish him.. -or - forget the whole thing?

Ted Stevens was convicted of seven felony counts of corruption in doing his job. Alaskans nearly returned him to the Senate. Eliot Spitzer broke some laws too - apparently none of them concerning his job - and he must remain outcast?

This makes no sense...

[larry278]

Very true. Pres Obama is going to have use for & a need for Mr Spitzer's brain & advice.

[listeningpost]

These should be called the American rules of the road as in many other nations, perhaps most, this sort of penance is considered absurd.
Without excusing his adultery, we all know that the only difference between Spitzer and countless other worthies of any sex is that he got caught. And there is a distinct possibility that he was "outed" by political foes with Wall Street hustlers at the top of that list.
Accusing him of being a hypocrite rings hollow, there's hardly a player in NY or DC that doesn't have egg on their faces.

[Courtney250]

Spitzer personal actions were despicable but I am tired of the faux apologies from politicians who have done something horrible and-or immoral. I don't want to hear his public humiliation extended and see his self-flagellations. I am not convinced that when politicians and public figures go through the public machinations and apologies that they are either sincere or have learned a darn thing.

I thought Spitzer's column was well-written and made good points. He has always had keen insight into financial improprieties (yes I realize the irony there.) But, after everything the current administration has done to this country, Spitzer's embarrassing personal piccadillos simply pale in comparison and I am willing to forget and move on, let his wife worry about the rest of his business.

[janfin]

Great post!