Have You Heard the One About Gun Control?

09/25/2013 02:52 pm ET | Updated Nov 25, 2013

With all the news about gun violence, gun technology is being overlooked. Go to The Huffington Post's Technology section. You'll find articles about cars and robots and smart phones. (note: I don't know why they call it a "smart phone". If you ask me, it's not very phone.) But nothing about guns. So it's easy to miss how extraordinarily complex the state of personal weapon technology has become.

In just a few short years, I predict that a typical handgun will be more advanced than the laptop computer on which you're reading this essay. Imagine the possibilities. You'll be able to download music and movies on your gun. You'll be able to file your taxes on your gun. You'll be able to record all your favorite television shows with the simple pull of a trigger... so now you'll be able to shoot home intruders without having to miss a single minute of Glee.

And the advancements won't stop there. I predict that, in less than five years, guns will finally think for themselves. Who needs the heart-pounding, adrenaline-fused pressure of figuring out if your life is in real danger, or if it's just an innocent kid walking home while holding a bag of Skittles? Soon, the average gun will have the technology to sense, on its own, if its owner is being threatened... and it'll fire automatically.

Yes, in no time at all, your gun will eat, sleep, and it'll even show affection. It'll be like the family dog but without all the poop.

Of course, as with any sentient species, there are always going to be a few bad apples. Just because a gun is intelligent, that doesn't mean it's not mentally ill. So expect a few mass shootings here and there. I'm not talking like every day- just once a month or so you'll read about a sentient gun that shoots up a school or kills 9 or 10 people in a mall. And when a sentient gun commits mass murder, the pro-gun politicians and all the gun enthusiasts out there will say what they always say; "Guns don't kill people. People who don't properly educate their guns about gun safety kill people."

And five years from now, when sentient pistols are given the right to vote and most of the Tea Party members are assault weapons and the "gun lobby" is on every corner (as in: literally referring to the lobby of the hotels where the millions of American guns now live and congregate), how will our nation respond?

It won't.

Because 'gun control' is dead.

The 'gun control' debate is over. It has been over for a long time.

Oh, there is still debate about whether or not the planet is 5,000 years old. That debate has been raging on for millions of years. But "whether or not we should have sensible gun regulation in the same way that we regulate every other dangerous thing that causes a lot of death" is no longer a contested issue. It's done. Whew. Honestly, in a way, it kind of feels good. It's a relief. The pressure is off. Now, when a maniac goes on a killing spree, we won't have to waste our time trying to solve the problem. Instead, we can use the time to respectfully mourn the deceased and then go back to playing fantasy football and eating Doritos.

Do you believe in sensible gun control laws? Well, you lost.

I don't mean to be sarcastic or snarky. I'm just telling it like it is. I'm realistic. The 'gun control' debate is over. I mean, yeah, you might hear a few liberal whispers here and there. And when the families of victims of gun violence speak out, it's kind of bad PR for politicians to not feign concern for a couple of days. But, generally speaking, the debate is over. The gun culture won. The hyper-violent video game Grand Theft Auto 5 made over a billion dollars in its first three days of release. That's a lot. But I bet the game would've made two billion if it could literally fire bullets.

The gun debate is dead. Now let it rest in peace. Don't call for new laws. Congress ain't passing any new laws. Even the politicians who support some sort of weak gun regulation won't vote for any new laws. They don't want to lose their jobs. I don't blame them. Congressmen have the best job in the world; they get paid a lot of money, their staff does all their work, and they even have their own private subway system. Why blow it by voting your conscience, thinking rationally, or sexting porn stars?

The 'gun control' debate is done. It's over. And it's not the worst thing in the world. I mean, in all likelihood, you're probably not going to be shot and killed. Statistically, the percentages are in your favor. Besides, the debate had been getting dull. How many times can you listen to the same points being made, over and over and over? Booooring.

On a personal note...

Back when the 'gun control' debate was still a "thing," I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I do understand the feeling of safety that a gun provides. If I was alone in my house, at night, and I heard someone trying to break in through the window... honestly, I would want a gun in my hand. However, I wouldn't feel more protected if that gun was a military-style assault rifle that fires off dozens of rounds in a matter of seconds. The only time you would need a weapon like that is if your home is being invaded by a big group of people. And -- trust me on this one -- if your home is being invaded by a big group of people, then it doesn't matter what kind of gun you're holding; you're going to die. Haven't you seen the ending of Scarface? And I have good friends who love their big guns and they pontificate for hours about gun rights. And after awhile, some of their stupid bullsh*t almost makes some sense. (Incidentally, I went to the shooting range with one of my friends last winter. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else. It was cold, noisy, and there was no snack bar.)

My point? Back in the day, when America was still discussing the issue of guns, I wasn't a raging anti-gun proponent. I was unbiased. I simply considered the logical need to regulate tools of war. And I was willing to discuss the possibility that our lax gun laws, along with a well-financed & politically-backed & profit-motivated industry, are what led to the millions of illegal guns circulating around the country... and this is what led to the gun-crazed nation that we have become... which then prevented any real gun legislation... which is why the issue is no longer an issue. Whew. It was all just so stressful. Glad it's over.

And make no mistake -- it's over. Seriously, have you heard any legitimate calls for new gun regulation lately? Yeah, after the recent Navy Yard shooting, California Senator Dianne Feinstein came out with a half-hearted gun control statement. But c'mon! She represents California, not America. California should concern itself with making better movies, not wasting our time with gun talk that not a single person thinks will ever lead to anything. I mean, did you see the Total Recall re-make with Colin Farrell? Ughh.

The gun violence debate is over. The gun people won. There is no point in beating a dead horse. Let's all get behind the reality we now live in; we're surrounded by millions and millions of guns and pretty much anyone can own any kind of gun -- and as many guns -- as they want. That's reality. Get used to it. There's nothing worse than a sore loser.

Senator Feinstein said, "Congress must stop shirking its responsibility and resume a thoughtful debate on gun violence in this country. We must do more to stop this endless loss of life." No we don't. We just need to get used to the endless loss of life. Or if you really want to do something, then let's design bullet-proof pants for kids to wear to school or spend more money on psychics who know when the next shooting is going to happen or whatever. But don't waste our time with Congress. Congress isn't going to do anything. Been there, done that.

And the extinction of the 'gun control' debate comes with other perks. For example, we no longer have to listen to annoying gun-rights advocates refer to the 2nd Amendment. A "well regulated militia"? What does that have to do with modern gun laws? Back when there was still a gun debate, I used to ask, "What if there was no 2nd Amendment? Would you then believe you don't have the right to own a gun? Why or why not? And do your reasons have anything to do with the 2nd Amendment?" But now, these questions are no longer relevant... because the 'gun control' debate is over... thank God. And, also, now that the discussion is a thing of the past, and nobody is taking away your guns, and everyone can just be honest, I can pose the following philosophical question to the President of the National Rifle Association and maybe I'll get a real answer...

If someone invents a mechanism that attaches to a gun, and it prevents the weapon from firing at a child, even if that's your target and you aim and shoot, would you support a federal law that requires this device to be built into all guns? Or do you consider that to be a violation of your freedom?

It's a philosophical question.


The discussion is over. It has been for a while. A political debate is only as valid as its possibilities. And sensible regulation is no longer a possibility. Oh well. It's time to move on to something else. How about Paris Hilton? Let's talk about Paris Hilton. You don't hear much about Paris Hilton anymore.

The debate is over. The gun people won. I accept that. I can live with it. But, and not to be all "sour grapes", but I also want to add that Ted Nugent's music sucks ass. Cat Scratch Fever? More like Cat Scratch This Song Makes Me Want To Puke.