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Please Help Me Achieve My Goal of Writing an Essay That Gets One Million "Likes" On Facebook

04/01/2015 03:51 pm ET | Updated May 29, 2015

Along with the "like" option, many people think Facebook should also have a "dislike" option to click on. That would be a waste of time, of course. Facebook already has a dislike button. By not acknowledging a post, one is essentially telling his or her Facebook friend that they hate it. So when you post that photograph of generic vacation scenery, or an image of your Florida thermostat during the winter, or your fifth selfie in the last hour... ask yourself why the "likes" are so few and far between.

Actually, a more interesting dimension would be for Facebook to add a "love" option. I mean, sure I like the picture of your new haircut. But I don't love it. I'm just being honest. Facebook "likes" would take on a whole new meaning; they would be motivation for social network users to try a little harder.

Interestingly, to like or not like a Facebook post contradicts normal human biology. In real life, by not acknowledging something is to express your like. You like that you were able to make it out of bed this morning. But you don't actually say it. You like this cereal you're eating. You like outside. You like listening to the music in your car. You like the birds flying above you. You like this chair. You like this glass of water. You like that you're finished with this glass of water. You like the color of this wall. You like that work is over and now you can go back home. But you don't point all this out. You don't document it. People only point out the things they consciously dislike. Simply say "Kardashians" at a dinner party, for example, and you'll be met with a barrage of verbal contempt. Heck, say "Kim Kardashian" and don't be surprised when someone at the table throws their butter knife at you.

Perform this social experiment. For an entire day, literally point to, while saying "like" out loud, all the things you like at any given moment. I like that I just cracked my knuckles. I like that I flipped the light switch and the light came on. I like that I just took another step forward in the parking lot, and another step, and other step. I like that I'm breathing air. I like that I'm still breathing air. Hey- a green light! I like that. But that's a lot of pointing.

I suspect that, within five minutes of the experiment, you'd start getting pretty worn out. Plus, you'd look like a crazy person. Nobody points and likes that much unless you're a redneck at a gun show.

Sometimes we're under social pressure to like a Facebook post, like when someone posts his big weight loss or she finished a marathon or their kid won the spelling bee at rehab. These posts are created to get likes, rather than to be liked, sort of like what the filmmakers must have been thinking while making Birdman.

Facebook should add a "whatever" option. This would be for the boringly inspirational, serious posts that, whatever, I guess we all like in a perfunctory sort of way. Yep, that's you in a hospital bed holding the new baby. Whatever.

Facebook liking is often one-sided. It's not fair that I like your stuff, but you're not liking an equal amount of my posts. What- is it too much of an effort for you to press your index finger against your mouse? Yeah, I know how time-consuming that can be. But hey, no problem, asshole. I understand that you're too busy curing cancer and saving the rainforest to display some common f*cking courtesy.

It's interesting how the concept of Facebook friends establishes so many real-life enemies. Facebook friending is a very passive-aggressive endeavor. Facebook should allow users to send "enemy requests" to other people. However, I'm going to really hate anyone who doesn't accept my request.

On rare occasions, people post something on Facebook that I legitimately like. Facebook should add an "actually like" option. Photograph of your kids at swimming lessons, link to a political article, you're depressed that it's raining outside right now: LIKE. Picture of you with a washed up celebrity, inappropriately angry rant about your family, beach bikini shot: ACTUALLY LIKE.

Facebook has created an entirely new rulebook of social etiquette. I grudgingly accept that what was once considered personal, intimate news relayed by telephone or private letter is now announced via public social network. I have a terrible disease, my parents died, I lost my job: ACTUALLY LIKE.

No, I'm just kidding. Nobody likes your bad news. But we do want to acknowledge your misfortune appropriately. Facebook should add an "acknowledge" option, for to make the poster aware that you read the announcement and you sympathize, at least in a "cyber" sort of way, since the Internet has drained any actual human emotion from the population. A death? Hmm... let me respond with just the right comedic but poignant Saved By the Bell meme.

Attractive people get more likes than regular people, regardless of what they post. If a plain-looking person posts the blueprint for his newly invented 'climate change' reversal machine, I'd estimate the number of likes to be around the same as when a hottie posts a picture of her appetizer at Applebee's.

Some people are on Facebook, but they rarely "like" anything. How selfish. That's like going to a comedy club with no plans to laugh. I mean, if you're not going to like anything on Facebook, then I might as well sit in the audience of an Andrew Dice Clay concert.

People who don't "like" other people's posts are the sort of people who think they're too cool for Facebook. It doesn't occur to these people that they're not too cool for Facebook since they're on Facebook. These are the same people who brag about how while, yes, they are technically on Facebook, they rarely look at it. They're lying, of course. Everyone is on Facebook all the time... and that includes work hours. (note: I'm currently looking for a job that requires procrastination. I think I'd be really good at sitting in my cubicle for eight hours browsing Facebook, texting friends, reading movie reviews, etc... as opposed to my previous office job, where I sat around for eight hours a day browsing Facebook, texting friends, reading movie reviews, etc.)

According to Facebook's own data, the "like" option is clicked 2.7 billion times a day. That's a lot of likes, even if you subtract the billion likes a day from my mom. Yet, according to polls, only one in three Americans are very happy. I guess that means Americans really like other people's lives; they just aren't happy with their own. In other words, your vacation pics are making other people miserable.

Now, Facebook does give users the option to like their own posts. So it's possible that many of those 2.7 billion clicks are self-liked. However, that would mean that Americans really like their life, but yet they're not happy. Apparently, liking life doesn't make one happy. In other words, it's very hard to satisfy people. Facebook should add a "satisfied" option. But it probably won't get clicked much.