"Hi, Vlad. Thanks for taking my call."
"No problem, my friend," Putin replied. "What can I do for you?"
"It's the polls, Vlad," said Trump. "The polls are bad."
"Yes, I'm sorry about that," Putin sympathized.
"Manafort showed me a chart of the trend lines, and I was so excited, but it turned out I was holding it upside down."
"I don't get it," Trump continued, in a rare moment of self-reflection. "At the convention, I painted a picture of America as a failing third-world country where everyone lives in constant fear of violent death; I encouraged your country to commit espionage against my opponent; I forgot that you guys invaded Ukraine and then said I was okay with it; I got into a days-long feud with the family of a fallen soldier. I hinted that maybe someone should assassinate Hillary Clinton. Help me here, Vlad. Where did I go wrong?"
"Have you thought of simply seizing power?" Putin inquired.
"Of course," Trump replied. "But Pence tells me there are laws."
"Well, do not lose heart, the Donald," Putin said. "You have more than enough time to turn things around. Who knows what sort of damaging information about Clinton may leak at the most inopportune time."
"You know what? You're right," Trump said, brightening. "The election isn't for another three months. Anything can happen. Thanks, Vlad. You always pick me up."
"That's what comrades are for."
"This is a little embarrassing to admit," Trump said, shyly, "but at my lowest moments, I think back to when you called me a 'genius,' and I always feel better."
"I said you were 'talented,'" Putin corrected, but Trump didn't seem to hear.
"You know, I blame ninety percent of this on the press," Trump complained. "They are so despicable and dishonest."
"Have you considered jailing all the unfriendly journalists?" Putin asked.
"Of course," Trump replied. "Ivanka said there are laws against that, too."
"That Ivanka is very attractive," Putin said.
"I think the word you're looking for is 'hotski," Trump replied, drawing a rare non-sadistic laugh from the oligarch.
"Well, I've got a lot of work to do if I'm going to win this thing," Trump continued, back to his old upbeat self. "I'm very competitive in Florida, Ohio, Iowa, and North Carolina. But the key is Pennsylvania, and that won't be easy."
"Have you considered invading Philadelphia and Allegheny County and taking control of the voting process?"
"Of course," Trump said. "Donald Jr. said it violates several statutes." Trump lamented, "If only there were a few hundred thousand more poorly educated white men in Pennsylvania."
"Let me look into that," Putin offered.
"Thanks, Vlad, you're the best!" Trump replied. Then, after a moment, he asked, "But what if a few weeks from now the polls still look bad? What then?"
"Did you give thought to what I suggested in our last call?" Putin inquired.
"You mean putting plutonium in Hillary's soup? Of course."
"Let me guess," said Putin, disgusted. "It's illegal."
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.