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Gavin Shulman

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Hey Facebook, Zuck You!

Posted: 05/24/2012 10:50 am

So let me get this straight, Facebook is being sued for attempting to keep certain information about the company private. How phenomenal is that? They were simply trying to hide a few personal facts about themselves so that not anyone with an invested interest could find out anything they wanted. They just didn't desire everything to be made completely public in their initial offering. They were a little reluctant with sharing with just whoever. Mark didn't want his vision visible to all. One more one-liner you can fit in a tweet.

And so Facebook flopped. How hilarious is that? Especially because now everyone wants to blame the 77-year-old Morgan Stanley. When they should've listened to the 13-year old Megan Shanley, a completely fictitious creation, who could've easily told you that Facebook is no longer cool. Why would you trust a financial institution for investment advice when you have the answers right at your own fingertips? Just sign on to Facebook. And figure out for yourself that's not fun to do anymore.

Do you know how many friends Morgan Stanley, the financial giant, has? Zero. Do you know how many friends Morgan Stanley, some random blonde girl from Savannah, Georgia has? 72. So why are you going to listen to some old fart? Who's not even that well-liked. Based solely on his description page. Cause he's too lazy to even post some pictures.

Everyone hates Facebook. Every time I sign on, multiple times each day, I hate myself for doing it. Again and again. As I scroll through my feed, and look at my friends, and fight with my feelings, and wonder what has happened to me, how have I ended up here, why am I doing what I'm doing, how do I know these people, do I know myself, who am I, and then quickly click out to make sure I still bleed. And hope the next time I'll have more alerts.

What is there to like about Facebook? Once you've stalked everyone sufficiently and are all caught up on the narrative of their life they want you to know and you've created in your head, what's the point of coming back? Except for emotional masochism. To see pictures of a vacation you'll never go on. Or photos of friends you'll never have. Or items read that you'd rather not read. Or videos you don't really want to view. Or to slowly kill your short time on this earth.

Speaking of which, now is normally the time when a writer would mock Facebook for becoming a giant baby album. But who am I, or any of us, kidding? That's all of our favorite part these days. To see their innocent faces. Their non-judgmental smiles. They're pure unadulterated bliss at being completely unaware that Facebook exists and has ruined us all.

Yes the failure of the Facebook IPO was more obvious than your aunt who likes everything liking your last link. As predictable as a girl getting a poke from her also single girlfriend. As foreseeable as the foreskin of Mark Zuckerberg being removed 8 days after his birth. There was no mystery what was going down when Facebook finally lost its privacy controls once and for all. Its stock.

Which is why I would buy a ton of it. Because Facebook is the king of backlash. It takes a whipping and keeps on gripping. Us all. Try as we might we can never break the bonds that our Facebook masters have us all captive in. This is the dirty secret that they, and us, all know. They can force us into a timeline. We will revolt, but then learn to tow it. They can take away our protections. We will complain, but then learn to cope. They can sell all our information. We will freak out, then give them some more. They've got us all by the walls.

And we're not going anywhere. All 900 million of us and growing. We can bitch, we can moan, but we're still going to post. Facebook is like an awful party that we all already went to and have been standing in the corner of for the last 6 years and it would just be too much of a pain in the ass to get everyone together and go somewhere else. Sure, there might be cooler places on the Internet, but who feels like making the schlep? As much as we might despise it, we can't help but sign into it. And we can't help but help it make money. Which it will. Mountains and mountains of it. So you can sue Mark, or you can yell at Morgan, but me, I'm going to request their company. And I know that's lame, but that's the whole point. So are we.

 

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