If the New Hampshire primary can't result in anything more than another slow news week, and come on it has, than what does it say about the rest of this seemingly never-ending campaign to find an inadequate candidate for the Republican nomination for president? Besides that it's slow, boring, and seemingly never-ending. A campaign, like a sporting event, is only fun when there are two worthy candidates. No one likes watching a bunch of scrubs square off. This whole GOP primary season is like one extended version of the Champs Sports Bowl. No one cares, even if you've got a team in it.
Which is why we should be focusing on the things that really matter. Like Justin Timberlake's new beard. Love it or lose it? Now that's a poll worth participating in. I say love it. It's winter; it's probably keeping him warm. Oh man, am I in the minority. 90.12% of respondents voted they liked him more without it. What a loser I am. I might have well of voted for John Huntsman.
Honestly, let's just cancel the 2012 election. Everyone knows that these other idiots will not make a proper president. Even your conservative uncle can't look you in the eye and tell you otherwise. So why go through the mundane motions? Why waste all the money? Why let the process play out? Let's just nip this whole nominating thing in the bud. Do the right thing Republicans and forfeit.
That way we can pay attention to the really important stuff. Like the fact that an Iranian man recently got a tattoo on his penis that left him with a permanent semi. See, I bet you might have missed that with all this New Hampshire nonsense. You would have never known the dangers of penile ink. The man got the message "borow be salaamat" or "good luck on your journeys" right on his kabab. I guess you know that hook-up is a one-night stand. You see the tattooist punctured too deeply into the man's penis, creating a pool of blood outside a vessel wall, resulting in a permanent priapism. A never-ending boner. A Rick Perry.
Face the facts, Republicans. You're rolling with Romney. And that really sucks. Because he's really weird. You secretly know it, and we definitely know it. He's a creepy dude. Who's been on a creepy mission. For years now. To convert people to believing that he can be president. Yet still no one believes him. Not even the people who pick him on their ballot. They're just terrified of everyone else. And rightfully so. If you don't have a candidate than don't campaign. Come on, Republicans. Do the American people a solid and quit.
So we can watch season 2 of The Voice in peace. Otherwise it will keep getting interrupted by scheduled debates, or primary results, or convention speeches. My Tuesday is super enough sidled up next to Christina, Cee-Lo, Blake, and Levine, I don't need it pre-empted by the election results from North Dakota. There are real competitions going on in this country. With real talent. And people with real chances of success. Unlike Ron Paul.
Just give it up GOP. Kiss this one up to God. It wasn't meant to be. It was fun for a while, when you still had the Cain Train and Bachmania and Gingrich was surging, but now it's just boring. And it's not going to get any better. No one's jumping in, and certainly no one who can swim. So cut your losses and save yourself the losing. Being embarrassed is a stinky cologne. And right now you guys reek. We can smell it all the way from New Hampshire.
And we'd all rather be worrying about what Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby name really means. Whether it's a reference to The Blueprint IV or an illusion to their involvement with The Illuminati. Whether they just think it sounds cool or it's the first step in creating a New World Order. Whether it's just Jay and B's favorite color or Lucifer's Latin name spelled backwards. Google it. Like Santorum.
Don't waste our time, GOP. Clearly, we the people have more pressing things to do.
Follow Gavin Shulman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/GavinShulman