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Gavin Shulman

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Is Mitt Romney a Supervillain?

Posted: 07/11/2012 9:45 am

Jesus jumping Joseph Smith's bones, Mitt Romney, you had to have your latest fundraiser in the Hamptons at the Koch brothers' beachfront estate? How about you hold your next one in a lair cut out the side of a mountain with a bald cat sitting on your lap. Or in the boardroom of LexCorp. You're more of a stereotype than a Sony MHC-EC609iP.

Romney raised 106 million dollars last month compared to Obama's 71 million dollars. Man, the super-wealthy must be really struggling in this economy. They can barely make ends meet after donating huge sums to Super PACs. They're backs are against the wall with no choice but to attend these retreats. They're just trying to scrape by on three thousand dollar supper plates. They better scrape off every last truffle for sustenance.

If there is anywhere to devise a strategy on what to do to save the middle class it is clearly a mansion in Montauk. Where you can get away from the masses and really think. Where you can escape the multitudes to form a plan. Where you can arrive on a private plane, to sit on a private beach, located on a private property, and really consider how the private sector benefits us all. Get a little perspective on things.

Sometimes it is simply necessary for the entitled class to gather around, have a couple of cocktails, throw an elaborate fundraiser, and complain about entitlement spending. And the huge drag it is on our economy. I mean if the rich don't get together and realize something has to be done about the social safety net, then who will? Certainly not those who need it.

It is encouraging, however, to see so many of our nation's job creators come together with the goal of creating a job. Yes, one. Romney for president. If they can all put their minds together to possibly accomplish that worthy feat just think of what they can do for the rest of us. The not multi-millionaires not running for president who don't know how to dance a horse. Our opportunities will be limitless.

Do we really want to elect the bad guy from every '80s movie president? Let's stop beating around the bush and state a fact: Mitt Romney looks like a tool. He talks like a dick. He walks like a dick. I don't want to over-simplify things, but sometimes simple is true. There's a reason Mitt Romney seems like a jerk. If the Italian leather shoe fits, he'll wear it. And buy an extra pair for his son Taggart.

I mean, Jesus Christ in an all-white jumpsuit under his robe, he has a son named Taggart. I don't want to get in to name-calling, but it's the summer, there's no new news, he's tied in the polls, and he looks like a henchman from a sci-fi film about a perfect race of robots sent to take over our world. He is a hollow-gram. A Mormon-churchian candidate. A dressed up and dyed-hair ATM for Corporate America.

It is often said, and often true, that an election in America is a choice between the lesser of two evils. This time, perhaps not. Say what you will about Barack Obama -- that he is naïve, that he is misguided, that he is flat-out incompetent -- but he's not malevolent. He didn't start a firm named after a Batman villain. He doesn't hold a Swiss bank account like the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. He's not just sorta shady. He's a decent guy trying to do what he thinks is right for the middle class even if you don't agree. The most evil thing Obama's done is mow down terrorists from America and attempt to provide health care for all. As for Mitt Romney, well, if he's not the bad guy he sure looks, and acts, the part. And judging from the company he keeps, doesn't seem to mind the role.

 

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